He nods for a third time.
“Do you feel good about that plan?”
I’m pleased when he doesn’t hesitate to nod his agreement. I continue to pet him.
“Good. I do too. Take what you need from me, Shiv. Take whatever comfort you need until you feel confident enough to do just what I said we’d do. We’ll go from there.”
Shively suckles me for quite some time, and honestly, once you get used to the hints of arousal continuously trickling through your body, itissurprisingly soothing. As I watch him and gently smooth my fingers through his hair, it takes me a while to realize that maybe this is a precursor to him finding subspace.
CHAPTER 4
SHIVELY
I lay in bed,staring at the ceiling, for a long time. It’s been less than forty-eight hours since leaving Dasan’s hotel room, and I can barely feel him. I know that’s not a reflection of his fucking. It’s his impressive prepping skills.
I’m a little disappointed that I can’t feel the remnants of that evening. Everything about it was something out of a fantasy. The man himself, the way he handled me, how he talked to me, the way he took care of me after. The way he managed to turn my brain off and let me enjoy just being there. Every tiny detail of it was amazing.
It can only happen once. Never again. Which is why I wish the feeling of him had lasted longer. I wish I’d savored it a little more.
Today is going to be a really long day. The first day of pre-season practice. The first day I’ll see Dasan since the hotel. Not the first time I’ll have talked to him since the hotel though. He called yesterday morning. I may have panicked when I answered, thinking that he was calling to tell me someone saw us.
“Of course someone saw us. They saw us talking all night. That’s not suspicious since you’re my coach. It’s common to see us converse. No one knows, Shiv. Take a breath.”
I do and try to let it out slowly.
“No one saw you leave the room. And if they did, they didn’t think twice about it.”
“No one knows,” I repeat. “Okay. But why are you calling?”
“To see how you’re doing this morning.”
I’ve spent so many years of my life thinking about a lifestyle that I would never have because finding it seemed… daunting. Exhausting. Impossible. I’ve been drawn to the comfort and security offered by a submissive role for as long as I can remember. Since before I’d so much as heard of the term. Not just in the bedroom but stretching out into the relationship too. I love the dynamics. I love the idea of “turning off” the control I have in my professional life and being the one expected to follow rules and meet expectations set out for me.
To an extent, my life has a few of those markers I desire. There are clear expectations of me as coach, and that’s to bring my team to the Stanley Cup. Short of that, it’s to encourage, support, and coach my team to be the best that they can be, to have the best season that we can.
I try to pay attention to all my athletes. Because hockey is such a mental game, their mental health is very important, so recognizing shifts in their mental state has always been something I watch for.
Because of this, I’d noticed little hints of Dasan’s dominance here and there over the last few years. It’s not something that he broadcasts loudly, but it’s in the way he interacts with his friends, specifically Felton. Not to the same extent that Ren does with Felton, but I bet Dasan recognized that Felton needed the kind of structure that he naturally creates. The structure that Ren now gives him.
The kind Dasan created in the short time we were together that I’m still thinking about.
In our everyday interactions, I don’t necessarily notice it. The night of the benefit, I didn’t see it much until we ate dinner, when he adjusted what was on my plate and tookthat sexy fucking tonewith me when he made me eat that mussel.
Ew. That was disgusting. A shudder runs through my body now as I remember it on my tongue. I’ve never tasted something so awful.
But the second he took that tone, my entire body just… relaxed. Trusted. It helped that Dasan isn’t a stranger. I already trust him as I do with all the players that I’ve gotten to know on my team. I’m sure, in time, I’ll come to trust our new players as well.
As soon as we got into the hotel room, though, it was all dom Dasan. In complete honesty, that was probably the biggest turn-on of the night. I didn’t tell him anything. Nothing that I wanted or needed when I stepped into the room. He naturally took me the way I craved.
And after? When we talked? He read me like an open book. The way he assured me, comforted me, explained, and apologized when he unintentionally hurt me.
I try not to let the world know that I’m sensitive to personal critique since that’s not considered “masculine” and “attractive.” Like it or not, so many roles in life are about appearance. A pro-hockey coach should be nothing but manly. I hide a lot of myself behind the shield my suits provide. I’ve been told enough times that they make me look imposing and important, therefore it’s a look that works for me.
My alarm fills the room, breaking into my scrambled thoughts, and I sigh. Sitting up, I hit the reset button and stare out the window. In the twenty-plus years I’ve been working, I’venever allowed myself to become truly attracted to someone I work with. That’s a dangerous line to walk.
That line has been crossed once with Dasan. He’s right, though. No one knows. It’s our secret and will remain as such.
As it turns out, that’s not the most dangerous part. Knowing that Dasan is the kind of lover I’ve craved for years...That’sthe dangerous part. He’s right there. So fucking close. It feels as if my body feels his absence in the phantom touches that are no longer there. Just whispered memories.
