“This is going to sound very childish, and I can’t seem to think of a way to modify it and lose that tone, but why did you tell your friends just now and not me when I asked about the hikefour days ago?” I ask. Oh my god, I feel like an idiot. I’m sure my cheeks are heating with embarrassment, too.
I’m surprised when his lips press against mine. “I didn’t mean to upset you, Arush,” he says quietly, gently pressing his lips to mine, my cheek, my jaw. God, he’s going to make me cry. I already feel like a child.
“A few summers ago, Keno drunkenly kissed Etna on the beach and the news got hold of it and started outing him as gay. At the time, neither of them identified as anything other than straight, and though Keno tried to set the record straight with the media, he realized it was a losing battle, so he stopped trying to correct it, but he also didn’t confirm the claim either. The league put him into the Gays Can Play initiative, which advocates for the inclusion of LGBTQIA+ in professional sports. One of the LGBTQIA+ youth events Keno was involved in had a deep impact on him. I was reminded of him sharing that with us when Etna asked about the hike because I think I understand why it had such an impact on Keno.”
“I’m not sure which question to ask right now… I’m stuck between how Keno and Etna went from straight to married, and still not understanding why you didn’t tell me if it made an impact on you. I guess… I feel less important.”
Julian sighs. “You’re not less important,” he says, kissing me over and over. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I guess… maybe I was still processing the conversation. Processing how it makes me feel, and that has zero reflection on you for why I didn’t say something about it.”
I nod because I think that’s the best I’m going to get from him. I’m not sure the answer satisfies the way my gut twists, though. I hate this feeling.
“You’re the most important person in my life right now,” Julian murmurs. “I’m sorry that I made you feel less than that. I’ll happily talk to you about it if you want me to.”
“I don’t want you to if you don’t want to.” I wince at how that sounds. Fuck my life. When did I become so needy? But itisexactly what I said because if he doesn’t want to talk to me about it, then I don’t want him to feel obligated to do so. I want him towantto talk to me and share things. How do I say that without sounding whiny?
It’s not meant to be sulky or needy. It’s just the reality that I want to be that person for him.
His lips brushing against my cheek make me shiver. His hot breath on my skin makes me warm. I’m trying not to grip him in a pathetically desperate way. Truly, I’m not.
“What I’ve gleaned from the questions asked, though I didn’t try for clarification, is that someone on the team is gay and they’ve been made to feel like they’re not welcome to play hockey, though it doesn’t appear that the comments have come from someone on the team itself. I would think it’s likely they’ve probably been made to feel less capable of playing well, being successful, or maybe only being tolerated on a team because of their sexuality. These are things Keno has repeated about others in the GCP group having experienced growing up, and given the nature of their questions, I’m guessing there have been people making this individual feel that way.”
“That’s… awful.”
Julian nods. “I was angry at the line of questioning at first because it felt like an attack. I took it more personally than I might have two years ago because some of my closest friends are gay or bisexual or whatever. I became heated. But then I realized this grouplikedmy anger and my response, which told me they were making a point to someone. It wasn’t until we started hiking again that the equivalent of an ‘I-told-you-so’ exchange confirmed my suspicions.”
“If the team didn’t make him feel that way, who did?” I ask.
“Bigotry is a learned behavior,” he says, shrugging. “I’ve always said that the most fragile masculinity and tenuous sexuality is that of a self-proclaimed straight man. When you’re a child of one of these individuals, you learn their behavior.”
I get that. There are other reasons for that behavior, too, though. Like religious teachings and whatever. As long as there’s someone there justifying the behavior, it will continue.
“Anyway. When Etna asked me about the hike, I couldn’t help but think how good it felt to know that, at least with the team I’d had the pleasure of hiking with and learning their names, this generation isn’t going to sit quietly in a corner and exist, letting the world around them keep their friends down for something as stupid and uncontrollable as your sexuality. I think in a way, I understand how Keno’s experience impacted him because that realization has stayed with me, too. And this wasn’t even an LGBTQIA+ event.”
“They sound like great kids,” I say.
He nods, picking up his head to look into my eyes. I feel like I’m on display right now. Like I just made a fool of myself for no reason.
“Theyaregreat kids. I’m hoping to take them hiking again later this summer. Do you want to join us?”
My breath stills, and for a second, I can’t breathe. “Really?”
“Yes. Really. I was going to ask you at some point, but I haven’t made plans with the team yet. Just a suggestion that we all agreed on. Iwantto share experiences with you, Arush. Not just tell you about them. Please believe that.”
Okay, the dam inside me that holds back ridiculous emotion was loosened with my frustration minutes ago, and now tears are in my eyes again. I nod, afraid that if I speak, he’s going to hear something embarrassing, like my voice cracking or something.
“They’re going to love you.”
I close my eyes. I doubt they’re going to love me. I have no contribution and only the barest understanding of hockey.
“Are you okay? Do I need to convince you it was a misunderstanding, and I didn’t mean to make you feel unimportant to me?”
“I’m sorry,” I gripe. “I feel so childish.”
“Don’t. I want you to tell me if I make you feel like that. I swear to you, it wasn’t intentional. I’m not always sure how much involvement you want in my hockey life, and I don’t want to bore you.”
I huff. “How can I be bored when I still don’t understand what I’m watching or what those guys are talking about?”
Julian grins. “Not understanding usually translates to boring for a lot of people.”
