“You’re not used to being alone, are you?”
Am I that obvious? I chew my lip for a minute and shake my head. “My siblings and nieces and nephews are always around,” I admit. “My closest friends are, too. When we’re not together, we spend a lot of time in video chats.”
“I’m sorry that’s more difficult for you now,” Julian says, his thumb rubbing softly over the back of my thumb. “When I get home, we’ll think of something to help make the time go by.”
“It’s okay.”
He shakes his head. “I know what it’s like being all alone in the condo. It can be its own kind of loud. Do whatever you need to entertain yourself, okay? You can play games or chat with your friends, though I know the time can be a little challenging.”
“Can I sleep in your bed?”
His smile is dazzling, even though I flush at my own question. “Yes.”
I nod, dropping my eyes to try to make the flush go away. Wow. That felt needy.
He squeezes my hand, and I look up. “You can call me anytime. We can text too.”
“Thanks.”
“I’ll be home soon.”
As I watch Julian walk out the door, leaving me alone in the condo for twenty-four hours, these are the thoughts I’m thinking about becauseI wantto get married to this man. For me, my perfect future is a husband and a home. I already can’t wait for him to walk back into that door and look into my eyes, knowing how much I missed him.
That’s just as normal as someone wanting multiple partners and lots of sex with random people. It’s just as normal for people of every gender and orientation, regardless of which community they’re a part of. It’s taken me a long time to realize that I don’t need to fit into a mold in either direction. The voices from within the LGBTQIA+ community can be just as toxic as those from outside it.
Why am I thinking about this already this morning? Probably because I was doom scrolling while Julian was getting ready to go and I stumbled across a gay man touting about the heteronormative agenda as reflected in media and online. Right after, I watched a wholesome reel from one of my absolute favorite gay families online as they welcome a new puppy into their house.
Once again, it made me think I was living my lifestyle wrong. It’s the same feeling of unease I felt when I realized I hate being touched sexually when that’s what I’msupposed toenjoy. The same feeling of discomfort I felt when I realized I don’t want tolive the kind of life I believed I was destined for in India where I’d never be allowed the partner of my choosing.
It reminds me that one person is not a spokesperson for everyone. It’s okay to be your own voice and not fall silent when someone else talks over you and pushes what’s considered normal for one specific kind of group.
In the condo that’s now absolutely silent, I can hear that voice loudly. It echoes all around. This is going to be a very long twenty-four hours without Julian, isn’t it? If I’m left to my own thoughts that are prone to make me question things about myself and whether I’m living therightkind of life, it’s far too quiet.
I pull out my phone and bring up the chat with my friends and hit the video button. It’s ten in the evening. They should still be awake.
As I suspected, Alok and Anil answer their phones. Their backgrounds look the same, as if they’re sitting beside each other, but I think they’re likely in their separate rooms.
“Hey!” Alok says, his smile splitting his face. “What’s going on over there in the cold?”
“Julian just left for a game in North Carolina.”
“How far is that?” Anil asks.
“By plane, a couple hours. His game is tonight, and then he’ll be home around midday tomorrow.”
“You’re all alone!” Alok says, his smile falling.
I nod. “Yep. I needed some conversation to distract me.”
“You can start by showing us around,” Anil says. “You haven’t even sent pictures, though we’ve harassed you so many times now.”
I laugh. “Fine.” I turn the camera around so it’s facing out and then turn back toward the entry. “This is the front door.”
“Wow. Smartass.”
Grinning, I turn as if I’m just walking through the door. To the right, I bring them into the laundry room.
“Is that a bathtub?” Anil asks. His image shows he’s squinting, leaning forward.
