I look at Julian and he’s watching our exchange with a smile. He isn’t at all apologetic when he says, “It hadn’t come up in conversation yet.”
My father laughs heartily. I’m not sure whether to be ecstatic that I’m marrying this man now, or wary that he and my father seem to be getting along so well.
CHAPTER 35
JULIAN
The first thingI see when I open my eyes is my husband asleep in my arms. Maybe I’m imagining it, but I think there’s a soft smile on his lips as he sleeps. I touch his jaw with the tips of my fingers, following the line of dark hair until I can sink my fingers into his hairline.
His hair is a little on the long side right now, but it’s soft.
Arush sighs in his sleep. It’s quiet, puffing a warm breath against my skin.
Since the moment I stepped foot in this house, I realized how incredibly close I came to losing him. We haven’t talked about the circumstances surrounding his leaving, and I know we need to. His father said that everyone could see how hurt and depressed he was. He fell a little deeper into both every day.
That was my fault. No amount of apologizing is going to fix it. I need to spend every single day making sure he knows I love him.
That doesn’t mean we don’t still need to talk about it. We do. We have a lot to talk about, but this is the most important.
Arush’s eyes open as if he’d just shut them, and not like he’s been asleep for eight hours. His smile is small, but it’s happy. Content.
“I love you,” I tell him.
His smile climbs. He told me it’s uncommon in his family to express one’s love for another in words. They believe it’s more important to show that person what you mean to them in actions.
I agree. It’s definitely important for your actions to reflect what that person means to you. But as I see it, I think it might be just as important that you say them out loud, so there’s zero doubt or misinterpretation of the intent behind someone’s actions.
Actions can be misleading. Arguably, so can words. Including and maybe especially a declaration of love. But perhaps both together can convey the truth behind both.
That’s my plan. Arush will know with no misgivings that I love him.
“I love you,” Arush says.
Since now seems like a good enough time to clear the air, I decide it’s time to make sure he understands I didn’t mean to hurt him. “I’m sorry I put you on that plane alone. I should have been with you. I should have understood that you needed me here. I failed on that, and I’m so sorry.”
Arush swallows. “Why did you stay?”
I sigh. “I think my best intentions and my lack of communication misled my decision. I didn’t think you needed me as a distraction when you should be focusing on your sister. I didn’t think it was the best circumstances for your family to have to deal with meeting someone new, nor did I want them to feel obligated to host a guest in their house. They feel like weak excuses now, maybe, especially saying them out loud, but I want you to know that I didn’t make any of them as a means of sending you home without me. I can honestly tell you I’ve never done anything more difficult in my entire life than watch you walk away from me, unsure if I’d ever see you again.”
Arush closes his eyes for a minute. “I thought you were returning me,” he whispers.
“Jesus, Arush,” I mutter and pull him closer. Not that he can get closer. He’s already flush against my body. “I told you the day we met that you’re not a possession to be returned.”
He gives me a weak, bemused smile.
“I’m really sorry you were left with that thought for an entire week. Why didn’t you say something?”
Now his entire body wilts. “I’m really awful at confrontations that leave me feeling vulnerable,” he admits. “Right now, just saying that, I feel like I’m going to be sick. Tears are stinging my eyes. It’s hard to keep taking breaths when I want to… hide until the moment passes and the conversation can move onto something that doesn’t have me on the spot.”
I’m not sure what to make of this. I don’t know how to make him feel better.
“Say something,” he croaks, and I realize not responding is making him feel worse.
“I love you,” I repeat and press my forehead to his. “I didn’t know what to say to help the situation. Not answering is obviouslynota way to help it.”
He laughs. It’s a nervous laugh.
“I love you,” I say again. And then I keep saying it until he relaxes in my arms again. I let a beat pass before speaking. “How about we come up with a code word that tells me you want to say something, but you’re feeling insecure or having trouble doing so? And then maybe we’ll find a medium you feel more comfortable expressing it in. Maybe a text to start it off. Or a letter? We could get all pseudo-confessional and have a door between us.”
