“You ready?” Lix asks with a smile as he stuffs food in his face.
My initial plan for this summer was to ask Lix to send me to Kala and skip the boat ride entirely. I’d kind of hinted at it a few times. Noah picked up on it and asked if I’d join them on the yacht for a couple weeks to celebrate Lix retiring. Obviously, I did that, and I’m not even sad about it. My brother’s had an amazing career, he’s a remarkable human being. He deserves to be celebrated.
So here I am, facing Gabe. Clearly, I’ve had a couple low moments over the last few weeks where my better judgment was shoved down a toilet, and I might have fucked around with Gabe a little bit.
My options were limited though. Fuck around with Gabe and further fuel his hope that there might be something between us or sleep with someone else right in front of Gabe. The latter seemed equally shitty.
I know the most obvious answer was to keep my dick in my pants until I got to Kala, but whatever. Part of the reason I kept calling on Gabe last year was because I didn’t trust myself with hooking up with someone I met on campus. The fear of finding another Trevor was far too much. Gabe was safe.
Yep, the more I explain this to myself, the more I realize how shitty a person I am.
“Yeah,” I answer.
“Noah and I can stay for a while,” he offers.
I smile, taking another bite of whatever heaven I’m eating. I really hope that the food on Kala is just as good. I had a snack here and there over the last few days we were docked at the islands, but I had free meals on board the yacht. It felt frivolous to spend money on the island unnecessarily.
“I’m good,” I assure him. “You don’t need to stay.” I glance up at Gabe before looking at my brother, hoping that he hears this too, hopefully in a firm tone. “I want to do this alone. Self-discovery mumbo jumbo or whatever.”
Lix laughs. “Okay. I’ll keep an eye on your transfer while you’re here.”
“Thank you.”
Lix nods.
Throughout the short meal, guys that I’ve been hanging out with over the last couple weeks stop at the bench to say goodbye, wishing me all the sexy fun I can get and to have the time of my young life. Even Azure stops by.
I’m briefly reminded of the very short but intense fucking we had over the course of a few days right after I was picked up. Azure is just an intense guy; everything about him is intense. I think, more than anything, it was that alone that made me end it.
“Be safe,” Azure says. I’m surprised when he rests his hand against my cheek. His thumb brushing against my skin is coarse, but his touch is gentle. His intense, ridiculously light eyes stare into mine, and for a second, I can’t take a breath. “Let us know if you need anything.”
I nod. He gives me a smile, small and somehow intimidating at the same time, before he walks away. I look at my brother. He’s smirking as he chews.
I’m not even going to ask.
Saying goodbye to Gabe is a challenge. I want to make himunderstand that he’s a really good guy and I appreciate that he comes running anytime I ask him to, but he needs to stop doing that. Tell me no. Especially over the next six weeks.
“Thank you,” I tell him, unsure how to put the rest of it into words. “You know that I… I never meant?—”
“I know, Roux,” he says, and I can hear the sadness in his voice. “Since this is a goodbye in more than just you leaving the yacht, I think I can tell you that I’m crazy about you. I’d give you the world if you gave me the chance. If you change your mind, call me.”
It seems unwise, but I hug him tightly. “You’re far too good a person for me. You know I don’t deserve that.”
“That’s bullshit. You deserve everything, Roux. I just wish you’d let me be the one to give it to you.”
I close my eyes, trying not to let my own sadness bring tears to my eyes. “You know? I wish that too. But I just…”
“You don’t feel the same way,” he says. “I understand, and I’m not upset about it. Regardless of what some people insist, you can’t help how you feel. It’s not your fault.”
“I think we just met at the wrong time,” I tell him.
“Maybe.” He squeezes me a little tighter then takes a step back. We look at each other for a long minute before he gives me another sad smile and walks away.
I feel sick. I shouldn’t have eaten so much.
Captain Tal ruffles my hair, making me glare at him. Orwell and Silas give me big hugs. Cabot gives me an awkward one-arm hug. I’m a little surprised to think I’m going to miss them. I don’t remember them being so present last summer, but they were always around when we were docked this year.
I wonder if someone requested that.
