In hindsight, it’s so easy to see the manipulationand control Trevor had over my life. He knew everything. He got into every single nook and cranny. Meanwhile, I didn’t even know his real name.
To this day, I can still feel the dread that shivered down my spine when Lix told me that Trevor didn’t exist. He’d given me a fake name. I was sick over it for days. Since he didn’t even give me his real name, I’m willing to bet I didn’t know anything real about him. Everything I knew was fabricated.
I don’t even know his real name! All I know is that Lix assures me he’s been “neutralized,” like, what the fuck does that even mean?
If I had to take a guess, this is why I was always looking over my shoulder at Longwood U. I was still within close proximity to Marley Coast, which meant transportation was easy. He could show up at any time. I didn’t know his name, so I couldn’t just ask around if someone knew him. Chances were that he only used that name with me. I can’t remember a single time when he introduced himself to anyone else in my presence.
He even hated being introduced to my friends.Just say I’m your boyfriend. They don’t need to know me. I’m not their friend.
All the signs were there.
But yeah. I’m going out on a very short limb and saying that the reason I need to leave Longwood, having never been able to get comfortable there, is because I don’t know Trevor’s real name nor whatneutralizedmeans.
Yet I’m insisting on spending the rest of the summer on Kala. By myself. Surrounded by people I don’t know.
He could be there. Or worse, I could find someone else just like him. Maybe that’s why I’m so nervous, but maybe that’s also why I’m convinced that I can do this on my own. In six weeks, I’m leaving Kala. All these guys on the island will be nothing but a faint memory.
Okay, perhaps a vivid memory. I’m hoping for a memory I can think back on fondly. I’m hoping to rediscover theconfidence that Trevor stripped from me. I’m hoping for some self-reliance. You know, I hope to grow and shit.
Taking a breath, I make one more circuit around the room to make sure I didn’t leave any cords or socks behind. I get down on my knees to peek under the furniture. No underwear or a Speedo, right?
Not that I brought any speedos. That’s a level of comfort in my own skin that I simply don’t have, though I’m not sure that has anything to do with Trevor. No, wait. It probably does, but I think he just built on what was already there.
It’s hard to remember, but I think I’ve always been a little self-conscious. It’s hard not to be when I’m always called a mini Elixon or a young Elixon. I love my brother. He’s my damn hero, and I’m not ashamed to admit that. I love that I look like him and that everyone sees my brother in me.
However, my brother is a pro hockey player. That means he’s fit and stupidly in shape, as is necessary for a full-contact sport like ice hockey.
Me? I guess I’ve always felt scrawny. I initially tried to keep in shape my senior year of high school after giving up soccer. I tried to be more conscious of my physical fitness the year I attended Marley Coast once Trevor began making cutting comments about my appearance. Though that backfired since he thought me attempting to get in better shape was an effort to attract someone new.
Maybe it should have been. I glance at my reflection in the mirror as I get to my feet and head for the door. Last year, I spent time in the campus gym. More than anything, I wanted to feel more confident that I could defend myself.
It was just this feeling that I couldn’t shake. I needed to get stronger. I’m okay right now, I guess, but I’m not my brother. That’s for sure.
I sling my backpack on my back then grab the handle of my suitcase and the bag I brought with me to hold all myelectronics. I know they’re going to search my suitcase and backpack, but I thought this would be easier in the long run.
It’s the last day on Kala for theOpulence. As soon as I deboard, they’ll be taking off. Knowing that I’ll fully and truly be alone makes my heart race. Afraid my unease and nerves might be seen through my eyes like open doors, I put my sunglasses on as soon as I get onto the deck.
Everyone is there. I scan the crowd, and I’m pretty sure that all the passengers and a lot of the crew have decided to come see me off. That doesn’t make me self-conscious at all.
Hell, even Captain Tal is there! He’s there with the three heads of the fifty-two-person crew (yes, they go a little overboard on theOpulence,but we never want for anything or need to lift a finger!), Cabot, Orwell, and Silas. I think I’ve seen them a lot more this summer than I had last summer. I won’t say that they hang with the guests, exactly, but they’re definitely more visible than the rest of the crew. More… present and approachable.
Also, gorgeous. I feel like that’s a requirement for working on theOpulence. I’m not sure I’ve drooled so much in my entire life!
My brother and Noah are waiting for me. They smile when they see me approach.
“Orwell arranged a breakfast feast for your last meal on board,” Lix says. He takes my rolling suitcase and sets it aside. I drop my backpack beside it and follow him to the table filled with food. Noah hands me a plate, and I follow him down the side to have my plate filled. It’s rare that we serve ourselves, even in a buffet-style meal. I suppose fifty-two people need something to do to keep themselves busy.
I take a seat on the bench with my brother. Noah joins Max and Deryke—hockey players from Philly—and Oddny Charles, an American football player who’s constantly at odds with Gabe over which “football” is the real, better sport.
Obviously soccer. Like that needs pointing out.
Speaking of Gabe, he’s sitting on a bench across from us. Imeet his eyes briefly and give him a smile, one I hope he can’t read anything into.
My stomach flips. Not just because I’m about to be left alone on an island full of hot guys but because I know that I’ve been leading Gabe on for a long time now.Despiterepeatedly telling him all I want is a fuck buddy. Friends with benefits.
The fact that I keep calling him to hang out is the part that leads him on. It gives him hope that I’ll eventually become interested in him like he is me, and that’s just not the case. Even though he came to Longwood like eight times last year simply because I asked him to.
Yep, I’m a terrible person who’s afraid of being alone. Maybe I’m just lonely.
