Being a mascot helps a lot. Being someone else entirely helps. Even if that someone is a seal. I’m not me. No one looks at me; they look at Surry the Seal.
What other things can I do where I’m wearing a mask? Serial killer comes to mind. Clown—which also has some haunting serialkiller vibes. Speaking of haunting… I could work in a haunted attraction.
But Hugo said if I wasn’t someone who suffered from anxiety. What would I do? What is my dream job?
“I think I need more time to think about it,” I tell him.
“Do you want to go to college? You can do that online so you don’t have to be in a classroom full of people.”
Already, it almost sounds as if his thoughts concerning me are innately taking into account my anxiety. Why is that so hard for so many people to do? Hugo doesn’t put himself out to be courteous of my comfort. He’s not impatient with me or frustrated.
Then again, he hasn’t really seen me more than stupidly shy. There hasn’t been an occasion where I was surrounded by strangers and freaked out when he’s been present. I’ve done surprisingly okay with his friends, but I think that’s because they’renotstrangers. Even if we haven’t talked before. They’ve been around almost every day since I started with the Golden Tides. They’re familiar.
There was that one time at the club, but Noah was there and recognized I was starting to have a meltdown and worked me through it. Then I’d been so awe-struck by Hugo that I nearly forgot. Until we were off the floor then Hugo saw I needed to leave and got me out of there.
The point is, even barely knowing me, knowing very little about my anxiety, Hugo simply saw when I struggled and did something to help me. Noah understood because he has anxiety too. He already knew how to respond. But Hugo does not. And if someone can treat you with kindness and courtesy without knowing what’s really going on?
The world needs more people like him.
I want to be like Hugo. Is that a career option? I glance up, feeling my cheeks heat at the thought. That’s just stupid. But I do want to be a person like him—kind, sweet, thoughtful.
As for college, I shake my head. “I don’t know, Hugo. Do you?”
“Statistics say that a college degree no longer guarantees what it did forty and fifty years ago. It only assures you’ll have debt unless you pay in cash as you go. So I’m not sure I really need a college degree. I’d only signed up because I was on a hockey scholarship and it was extending opportunity for me to be drafted.”
“What do you want to do after hockey?”
“Ninja!”
I laugh. His lips press to the top of my head and I can feel him smile.
“I don’t know. I should think about it soon. Part of me wants to stay in hockey and coach or something, but another part of me wants to do something completely different. Hockey has been almost my entire life. I could do something else if I wanted. But in a lot of ways, I’ve lived a sheltered life. So much of what I know is either hockey itself or hockey related. Sports related. I guess even entertainment industry related. There’s a whole world out there that I don’t know anything about.”
I nod. “Maybe that’s part of the reason I don’t really know what I want to do, either. Hockey kept you in a box in the same way anxiety keeps me in a box. I’m not sure what else is out there.”
“If you had better support, I bet you could have found a lot of things. Or a doctor to work with your anxiety.”
“I have a doctor for that. A couple. Part of living with anxiety is managing the day-to-day triggers and avoiding them if you can. If you can’t, then learning how you can work through them.”
“Is this a case for a therapy dog? They can detect so many things like blood pressure and blood sugar and stuff. Can they detect the onset of an anxiety attack?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. That would be cool.”
“I’m just thinking out loud here. I don’t know if it’s possible, but if a dog can, then maybe it’ll open doors you didn’t know were there. Not that I want you to stop being our mascot. Especially not if it makes you happy. Butifyou wanted to do something else.”
“I really, really like my job. I’m not looking for a change right now. But I will definitely think about college and a dream career and a therapy dog.”
“You don’t have to. We’re just talking.”
“I know.” I squeeze his middle tightly. “I’ll think about this and you think about what you want your life to look like after hockey. We’ll share the challenge.”
Hugo laughs. “I already know what I want it to look like.”
“You do?”
“Yep. Just like this. With you.”
I close my eyes. This man. I am so deeply in love with this fucking man.
