Atty chuckles. He sits on the edge of the bed close to me. “What’s up, Hugo?”
The thing is, I don’t even know what I want to ask. There are so many half-formed questions in my head, but none of them are fully shaped. So I just blurt the first one that seems to make any kind of sense. “Why did you get married?”
My question takes him off guard entirely.
“You were there,” Atty says.
“I didn’t ask when,” I retort, grinning. “I want to know why. Why did you decide to get married? Why not just… live together forever?”
Atty looks at Toby and for a minute, they just stare at each other.
“I don’t know,” Atty muses after a minute. “I guess… in my fairy tale, it always ends with a wedding that leads into happily ever after. That’s what I wanted.”
“So that’s what I gave him,” Toby says.
Atty grins, turning his attention back to me. “You better not be thinking about getting married, Hugo. I haven’t even met these girls you’ve been seeing.”
“There was no girl,” I say, sighing.
“You told us?—”
I wave him off. “I made assumptions. One was always a guy and the other I just assumed a gender for literally no reason at all.”
Atty tries not to smile. I can see him fighting it. “Okay. I stand by my previous statement. We’re just swapping out pronouns.”
“No, I’m not,” I say, shaking my head. “I just… we were having a general conversation. Reflecting on what defines a successful life that has purpose and shit. You know—wife, kids, house, career. That kind of thing. Which means we were talking about marriage and I guess I never truly understood the appeal. I don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on a single day to prove I love someone. A piece of paper doesn’t prove that either. One is just a money grab and the other forces you to spend more money to dissolve the piece of paper or stay stuck in a sucky marriage.”
“Wow,” Toby deadpans. “You’re not a fan of loving someone, huh?”
I laugh, but it doesn’t sound humorous. “That’s the thing. I guess I never really thought it’d exist for me. Maybe it does now, but…” I sigh and drop my head back because I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. “I—How did you know Toby was it for you? How did you decide you were bisexual?” I wince and pick up my head. “I didn’t mean it that way. I know it’s not a choice. I just meant?—”
“Easy, Hugo,” Atty says, leaning forward and gripping my wrist. “I know you know it’s not a decision. I can see that you’re frustrated or flustered so how about right now, for this conversation, don’t worry about how you ask a question. I’m not going to be offended. We all know you’re not trying to offend me or hurt me. Okay?”
“Yes. Thank you,” I say, sighing in relief. “I’m going to preemptively apologize right now, then. I’m sorry for everything I say.”
He laughs. “I don’t have a real answer for you, Hugo. I think about this sometimes and wonder if maybe my parents figured it out before I did and maybe that’s why they basically shoved Marie down my throat since I hit puberty. Maybe they knew I was into guys and they were circumventing that. My life was completely this one woman and because I try to be a good person, I just didn’t look anywhere else. Ever. Even all those times we broke up, I rarely looked around. There were always women waiting in the wings and…” Atty shrugs. “I don’t know. So for me, it wasn’t about… the sudden change in me. I think it was the change in my life. I was ready to stop living someone else’s prescribed life and needing to findmy own path. Maybe that opened me up to finally looking around for real.”
“And you saw Toby.”
Atty smiles, his gaze drifting to Toby for a minute. “Yeah.”
“You knew when you saw him. Right in that moment.”
He nods. “The short answer is yes. I made some decisions that night which in hindsight were very unlike me. Reckless and maybe a little risky.”
“Irresponsible,” Toby adds. “I could have really hurt you.”
Atty nods, his lips curling a little. “Yes, I know. Like I said, looking back, there were some strange decisions Ididmake that I can’t explain except by saying something frufru, like my heart knew or my soul recognized his or whatever. But it wasn’t a sexuality decision. That was all who I already was. I just hadn’t had an opportunity to reallyknowit until that point.”
I think about how that kind of relates to me and Torin. Every time I saw Torin, I always said hi to him. I thought it was just because I’m friendly and he looked like he needed a friend. And maybe I needed a friend when I was feeling out of place with my friends because they all had partners and I didn’t, so I started hanging out with Torin.
But according to the internet, everything that came after hanging out isn’t something friends do. They don’t cuddle. Or get hard. They don’t jerk off together in the shower.
“I’m just going to throw this out there,” Atty says, making me turn my attention back to him. “How it happened for me isn’t how it’ll happen for everyone.”
“No, I know. I’m just comparing your moment with… mine. Trying to make sense of it, I guess.”
“Are you concerned about his dick?” Toby asks.
