I laugh. “I like your opinion more and more.”
Hugo sighs. “I wish you were here. I want to cuddle.”
My chest tightens. Fuck away games. Fuck them even more that we’re only in the middle of a nine-day stretch!
Chapter Twenty-Three
HUGO
Since talkingto Torin about sex and marriage and stuff, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about… everything. Him. Us. Me.
I feel better about having told him I’m a virgin. Having grown up with two teenage parents for siblings and screaming children since I was nine, there’s been this big, almost suffocating fear growing inside me saying I’d never get away from that. Then when my mother asked if I was going to end up like them, that fear turned into dread.
I love my siblings. They made mistakes. Misjudgments. As much as they love their kids, I have no doubt in my mind they’d do things differently if given the opportunity.
But I can’t deny that I definitely gained a lot of fear from their experiences. Their stress and exhaustion. Their frustration and anger. Resentment.
It’s hung around me like a boulder I carry around, dragging it from one moment in life into another. My childhood made me scared of sex. Scared that accidental pregnancy is the only outcome. Especially with my sister maintaining that she used protection.
If contraception isn’t a guarantee, that’s a huge risk and I don’t want to live with the consequences for the rest of my life unless it’s my choice. The entire thing has made sex into this huge deal. An orgasm is great, yes, but is it worth an accident? Is the risk worth the reward? A short-lived reward at that.
I’m pacing in front of Atty’s door. I know which door is his because we were assigned rooms at the same time and I overheard his room number. I’m a creep like that. But I’m not sure what I want to ask.
I know asking him questions is what I want to do because I think his situation is similar to mine. One man changed his life. I think I’m on the verge of the same thing.
And I’m a little scared. Especially after all the things we’ve been talking about. Torin is always quick to tell me there’s no pressure and we’re just having conversations that start out innocent enough before turning into something big and serious.
The thing is, for the first time in my life, I might feel something more than ambivalence toward someone. I’m not sure what to do with that information. I’m not sure why it’s a guy who triggered these emotions in me. I don’t care that Torin’s a guy, exactly. In fact, while we were teasing at the time, the fact that pregnancy isn’t an option has lifted so much fucking weight from my shoulders, I feel like I’m floating and my feet barely touch the ground now.
Still. I have questions and I’m not sure where else to turn.
Taking a breath, I stop pacing outside of Atty’s door like a creep and knock. It’s a few seconds before he answers. It’s still so weird seeing him clean shaven and with short hair. There are days when I still don’t recognize him at all.
“Hey.”
“Hi,” I answer. “I uh… have some questions and I think I want to ask you.”
He smiles. “Sure.” Atty takes a step back and I walk into his room. It doesn’t look any different from mine, but mirrored.
Toby is sitting at the table, one leg bent with his foot on the seat. He smiles at me.
“Oh. I didn’t know you were here. I can wait.”
“It’s fine,” Atty tells me when I turn for the door. He’s blocking my path. “We’re just waiting for food. Not doing anything freaky.”
“I don’t want to interrupt your time together.”
“You’re not interrupting,” Toby says.
“I wouldn’t have answered the door if we’d been in the middle of something. Besides, I’m with Toby all the time. Contrary to how itmight appear, wecando things separately and keep our hands off each other.”
“Mostly,” Toby adds.
I grin. Atty hasn’t moved from where he’s blocking me so I take the hint and go further into the room, and sit on the cushy chair by the window. He has a better view than I do.
“If you want to have a private conversation, I can go down to the bar for a bit,” Toby offers.
I shake my head. “No. It’s fine. It’s not that private. Just maybe not a conversation I want in front of the whole team so, you know, the plane or bus wasn’t my first choice.”
