“That’s what you deal with? All the time?”
“Eh,” Atty mutters. “It’s getting better. However, I think we’re all very aware we live a life of privilege. You’ve seen the media vultures that circle us. In a way, it’s worse than just living an anonymous life. On the other hand, we have very loud friends and big franchises supporting us. Not everyone does. Not everyone has family support, even.”
“This is horrifying,” I say.
They chuckle, but all I can think about is Torin. He’s gay. Hetold me so. Does he go through this? The idea that he does makes me sick to my stomach. It’s bad anyway, and no one should have to face that for being attracted to whoever they are. Plus I know he has such bad social anxiety, I bet those voices and sneers don’t just cut like knives, but slam like a wrecking ball.
“Where did you just go?” Winny asks.
I shake my head, trying to rid myself of the horrible images. “Sorry. I just… I’ve been hanging out with Torin lately. He’s single and I don’t feel like a third wheel. And he’s super nice and he doesn’t have a lot of friends. I’m so glad he lets me be his friend. But I was just thinking… all that sounds awful, and I can’t imagine how much worse it feels when you deal with anxiety too.”
Noah chuckles. “Believe it or not, I haven’t faced the two scenarios together. My anxiety is different from Torin’s, but in a lot of ways, it’s the same. Mine tends to be reserved for large crowds of strangers. Torin can be triggered by even a single breathing person. I can’t imagine how he survives. I wouldn’t have taken him onto the dance floor if I’d known.”
“He didn’t panic,” I note.
“He didn’t, but he was on the verge. I recognized it because I’ve lived it. That’s when I realized I’d made a mistake. It was better to work him through it right there than it would have been to try to bring him back through the crowds when he was succumbing to his panic. It can feel like the walls are closing in on you,” Noah explains.
I sigh. “I just hug him,” I admit. “I’ve never felt so helpless as the time I saw him start to panic. I didn’t know what to do or who to call, so I just hugged him so tight, I might have bruised his ribs.”
Noah grins. “That can actually be a very good technique. One of the things that is recommended for people with high anxiety is a weighted vest or blanket. I don’t remember the science behind it, but there’s something about the weight that helps to settle you.”
“Really?” I ask.
He nods. “I have a couple different weighted blankets and a weighted hoodie. Actually, there’s a blanket in my car in case I ever need it. Just so you all know.”
“Noted,” Egon says and Winny nods.
“I didn’t realize you’d been hanging out with Torin,” Winny comments.
“Mmm,” I agree. “There was a day a few weeks ago when you were all going to dinner and meeting your people and I just felt… like I didn’t belong. I was watching you through the door when Torin stepped up next to me.”
Noah’s arm tightens around me again. I smile.
“I asked if he wanted to hang out and he said yes, and we’ve been having a good time.” I leave out the fact that we have sleepovers. And that we might have jerked off together the other morning in the shower together. I’ll save those topics for another day. “But I didn’t mean to make you think I didn’t want to hang out with all of you. I do. And with your people. Maybe I was just feeling insecure or something.”
“As you were today when I suggested it,” Winny points out.
Well, Torin was also here. But I have a feeling I’d have felt the same way even if he wasn’t. So I nod and shrug. “Yeah.”
“We really didn’t mean to make you feel that way,” Noah says. “We’ll be more conscious about it.”
I sigh. “That’s not necessary. You should definitely want to spend time with your people. I get it. You don’t have to change your plans for me.”
“We won’t, but we’ll also make sure we make time when it’s just us,” Egon promises. “Just the five of us. Okay?”
I smile. “Thanks. I miss this.”
“Torin is welcome to join us too,” Noah says. “If he needs to slowly work up to all of us at once, we can do that. It was really brave of him to come to the club.”
“I wonder why he showed up at all,” Atty muses.
“I invited him. Maybe he was just making an effort to hang out with us because I told him we’d always like his company, but understand if he’s not comfortable,” I explain.
“Ah,” Noah says. “How about next time you invite him, we’ll go someplace less… overwhelming.”
I grin. “I think he’d appreciate that.”
“Good.”
