So I don’t make him feel uncomfortable, I change the subject. “Hey, let’s talk about sex for a minute.”
Caulder laughs. “Sure. Fine.”
“I bought you something. It’ll be there next week. There’s no pressure to use it—alone or with me, but I have a feeling you’re not going to buy yourself one, and I want you to have that option.”
Caulder’s eyes are huge as he stares at me. His cheeks flush. This man is so damn sexy when he’s flushed.
“You didn’t.”
“It’s not huge. It’s a good first-time trial size.”
His eyes shift around the room as if someone is going to come out of the walls and catch him with a dildo. That’s not even there yet. “Lo, someone could find it.”
“How often do you let people go through your nightstand?” I ask.
“I don’t. But?—”
“It’s your room, Caulder. I know you’re very good at drawing a line and not letting someone cross it. Your bedroom seems like one of those places.”
“Yes,” he agrees, then presses his lips together. “But what if?—”
“Listen to me,” I say and his gaze locks on mine through the screen. “No one will find it. No one will even look for it. This is your house, baby boy. Yours. You can shut doors and there won’t be any questions. And again, I want you to have the option. This isn’t a pressure tactic. I don’t care if you never let anything in your sexy little hole except my fingers, Caulder. Fuck, if you don’t even want that again, I’m cool with your choice. It’s your body. But I don’t want you to hide from exploring yourself out of fear. You’re safe.”
Caulder takes a deep breath. His chest expands as he holds it and then lets it out slowly. He nods. “I do want your fingers,” he says, cheeks pinking. “I… don’t know about bottoming yet. I don’t know how I feel about sex yet. I’m not even sure why I don’t know.”
“That’s okay,” I promise. “If you want to talk about it, we can. If you don’t, that’s all right, too.”
A grateful smile settles on his pretty lips. “I don’t know what to say about it. I’m not sure why I’m so hesitant. I still feel a little panicky when I think about it now.”
I fucking love that he wants to talk about it. With me!
“You feel that way because there’s a possibility it can happen,” I say. “It might be why you feel that way now and haven’t before. A month ago, it was always hypothetical, in the distant future. Now, you have someone who really wants you. It can happen now. In just a couple more weeks, if you’re ready.”
We have one more game this year. On March 12. Are we counting down? Fuck yes. We have a plan and we’re going to make it happen. This man is spending the night in my bed. Sex or not, I need him in my bed.
Caulder shivers. “You’re right. There was no possibility before. And now there is. I’ve worked it up so much in my head that I just feel… overwhelmed.”
“I’m going to make this decision then. No penetrative sex. Not this time. We can revisit this summer.”
He gives me a demure look.
“Caulder, I want you to be sure. I don’t want you to feel any kind of pressure. Not from me and sure as fuck not from yourself. If there’s even the slightest possibility you’re going to regret it, I’m taking it off the table.”
“Lo—”
“No. We’re not having sex. Sorry, I’m not having sex with you. Don’t try to change my mind.”
He laughs, closing his eyes. A beat passes and then he says, voice low, “Just so you know, I want to. Really bad. I think about it a lot. I’m just… afraid.”
“I know you don’t like all the promises I make, but I’m going to make you one more.When you’re ready, I’m going to make it so fucking good for you, Caulder. Bottom or top, doesn’t matter. I will make sure you have a night you will never forget for all the right reasons. I promise you this.”
There’s that look again. I touched something deep inside him. Something emotional.
“I really miss you,” he says. “I’d give anything for a hug.”
Sighing, I nod. “Me too, babe. Me too.”
CHAPTER 23
