“Was she upset about Luca coming out?”
Caulder shrugs, shaking his head. “No. Not that I recall. To be fair, I don’t think Luca ever came out. There was never a discussion or announcement or… anything. It’s like….” he trails off, staring into nothing as he thinks about it. “I don’t know. Like they’d always been together. One day he called Orson hisboyfriend instead of his best friend. Then they were having a kid and getting married.” He shrugs.
“That’s how it should be,” I insist. “Sexuality shouldn’t be a conversation. There shouldn’t be ‘coming out’ or labeling of any kind.”
He nods, still staring at nothing. Then he blinks and turns back to his berries. “You’re right. I think they’re not going to care. I’m confident that they’re not.”
“Maybe you do the same thing. Just come home one day and introduce me to your parents as your boyfriend.”
Caulder’s knife pauses. A beat passes before he turns his face to look at me. There’s a small smile on his lips. “Is that what we are?”
I shrug. “Do you need me to ask? I’m not sure what the protocol is with this.”
He laughs, rolling his eyes. “Dunno.”
“Unless you want to be lovers? You can totally introduce me as your lover.”
His laughter is louder this time. “Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”
“Boyfriend it is. Unless you want to just clue everyone in on our wedding day.”
The knife snaps on the board. Caulder looks at me with wide, wary eyes. I burst into laughter. “Relax, babe. I’m playing with you. I’mnotjumping that far ahead. I’m just imagining the shock on people’s faces.”
He doesn’t look away for a minute. “Hmm,” he answers, pressing his lips together.
Marriage is a sensitive subject…?
“Okay let’s talk about that,” I press.
“That’s not how I’m introducing you.”
“I like the boyfriend idea best too. But let’s talk about marriage.”
“Lo, I’m really loving what we’re doing, even if the distance is a little frustrating, but it’s been two weeks. We’re not having that discussion.”
I chuckle. “I’m not talking literally. I mean… is that something you see yourself doing in the future? Marriage? Kids?”
He sighs. It’s deep and heavy. His shoulders rise and fall with a big breath. “I don’t know,” he says after a minute. “Marriage, yeah. I think I’ve always imagined that. I’ve got some impossible standards as far as a relationship is concerned because settling for anything less than what I’ve seen growing up just feels… inadequate. I want that kind of love, you know?”
I nod.
“But kids? I don’t know. Meddy has nine kids, and I’ve been around them a lot. They’re great. I’ve played with them, held them, changed them, fed them. I love his kids. I’m just not sure I want to take care of someone every day for eighteen years. Maybe longer. Sometimes I feel like I’m barely taking care of myself. I don’t know if my decisions are right in the big picture sometimes—everything feels huge some days. But they only affect me, you know? Adding a kid to that… it’s not just me that something I decide will affect. It could potentially have a disastrous effect on a helpless child who’s solely dependent on me.”
“Curious that you’re talking as if you’re a single parent,” I point out.
Caulder stops mixing the contents of his bowl. Then he laughs. “Yep, I was. That’s weird.” He glances into the phone at me. “What about you?”
“Definitely marriage. And yeah, I think I want a kid or two.”
He chuckles. “No reason or justifications. Just yes. I wish I could be that way about literally anything.”
“I don’t wish that for you.” Caulder looks at me again, his eyebrows knit together. “I love how you think things through as thoroughly as you do. It’s not careful and overly cautious, but informed. You examine how you feel, so when you make a decision, it’s already been thoroughly vetted internally.”
“You definitely romanticized the chaos in my head,” he mutters.
I laugh. “I think you’re amazing just the way you are, Caulder Haines. Don’t change anything about yourself.”
There’s this look he gets when I know I’ve managed to say something that’s pulled on his emotions. His eyes get a little glassy and he blinks it away, swallowing it down again.
