They’re not speaking. Four sets of eyes train on me when I stand in the doorway.
“You good?” I ask.
“We’re not going to talk about this?” Zenia asks.
I chuckle. “It’s done, Zen. What do you want to talk about?”
He sighs. “I don’t know.” His tone is quiet, and I think that while I’m not worried about the fact that I’m possibly turned on by men, perhaps Zenia is.
“You didn’t have to agree,” Carson tells him.
Zenia shakes his head. “This is always a group sport. You guys wanted to do it.”
“Woah, hold on,” Kroy says. “That’s not?—”
Zenia holds up his hand. “Not what I meant. Sorry. I think I’m feeling a little panicky right now. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s a dude or because he’s a teammate. Both aspects of this are warring right now.”
“I’m going to grab something to eat. Then we can talk until you feel better about it,” I compromise.
I grab chips because they’re easy and I have a surprising number of bags. They must have been on sale or something. When I return, I sit in the chair where I can see down the hall toward the door Felton’s behind. It’s a little precarious keeping this as anonymous as it is for Felton if the guys are still here and he’s asleep.
“He okay?” Denny asks.
Shrugging, I toss a couple bags of chips their way. “No, but that has nothing to do with today. He enjoyed this a lot.”
“It’s been pretty obvious he’s been struggling,” Denny says. “Since the accusations.”
I nod. “It’s… yeah.” It’s more than that. I wanted to say it’s a lot deeper than that single incident, but that’s not my place. Instead I say, “Sometimes it takes a single incident to make the tower you’re precariously standing on come tumbling down.”
“What’s he need?” Carson asks. “Can we do something for him?”
“You just did,” I answer, smirking.
He rolls his eyes.
“No, really. You did, even though it may just feel like sex.”
“Heneededto be fucked in a four-way?” Zenia asks.
I shrug. Even if I’ve now fully worked out what it means to him, I’m not sharing that. There’s a chance he hasn’t fully worked out why he feels the way he does.
“Come on, Zen. Talk. You upset about his cock or how much you enjoyed his hole?” Kroy asks, kicking his foot.
Zenia rolls his eyes. “Maybe I’ve been questioning a lot since the first guy, but I could convince myself it wasn’t a big deal because we’d thought he was a girl. He was feminine and soft. I could close my eyes and pretend.” He shakes his head. “There’s zero about Felton that’s any of those things.”
“And yet, you enjoyed it,” Carson says.
I’ll give it to him. Zenia doesn’t deny it. He doesn’tappearincredibly stressed. Surprised, maybe. Confused.
“Look, man,” Kroy cuts in, “sexuality is a societal construct. We’re literally brainwashed from a very young age that we’re straight. Maybe unintentionally, but in cartoons we see straight parents, everywhere we look we see straight couples, in music there’s a he and she line sung by the opposite sex. I’m not even going to touch on the religious and political sides of it. Heterosexuality is practically shoved down our throats and we don’t know it’s happening. Then we grow up a little and the slurs start. We don’t know what they mean, but we can see the direction they’re pointed and innately absorb that into us, as well as the negative connotation we associate with it. By the time we’re able to truly form our own opinions, the world has already been colored in and now we have to struggle through it trying to make sense of howwefeel and whatwethink.”
I’m not the only one just staring at him. I didn’t realize Kroy has such… depth to him. Not that I’ve ever thought he was stupid. He’s not in the least. But this is more opinionated than I’ve ever seen him.
“I’m not even going to deny that everything you just said sounds valid and I can see it,” Zenia says.
“Shit.” Carson chuckles, shaking his head.
“But it doesn’t necessarily comfort me right now. Especially since I’m not even sure that’s what I’m upset about,” Zenia admits.
