“There’s nothing saying that he has to be your last.”
“I mean, he isn’t, or he doesn’t have to be...I know...I’ve dated, but none of them have made me feel what he did.”
“And that’s the problem. You can’t spend your life trying to find someone who is everything that he was, and wasn’t. You’llbe alone forever with that mindset. Surely you have to get lonely, Rowan.”
Tears sprang to my eyes. No one would understand how absolutely perfect Cillian had been back then. Before I had arrived home to find my family slaughtered, he had been everything I could’ve ever wanted in a man. Cillian protected me from those like him, and he made me feel so special when we’d been together. “Anamchara.”
“Anam...what?” Monica asked me.
“Anamchara, which is Irish for soulmate. I truly thought we were that for each other.”
“Girl, there’s no such thing as a soulmate. If there was, it would mean there’s only one person for everyone out there. It’s entirely possible to have deep, meaningful love with more than one person.”
I picked up my wine glass and quickly finished mine. When done, I stood up and smiled at my bestie. “I know you’re trying to help me, and I so appreciate it. The truth is that I have no idea how to move on. My entire life since losing everyone has been focused on Ciara.”
“And she’s six years old, and thriving. Surely you see her watching the other kids with their fathers. Don’t you think that perhaps she might want or need a positive male role model in her life, too?”
“I’ve thought a lot about that. It’s just so hard to meet someone nowadays. I barely have time to go out to clubs and bars, hoping to find someone who isn’t just interested in a romp on the sheets.”
“A romp every now and then would be a good start. But, I digress. You don’t have to hit up places like that. You need to get with the times, girl.”
I went to the kitchen to retrieve the bottle of wine so we could refill our glasses before I sat down. “What are you talking about?”
“Online. Tinder...Match...eHarmony?—”
“I couldn’t,” I said, but as I looked up at the loft area, I knew Monica was right. Ciara was getting old enough now to understand what a father was. After all, she had asked me several times about one this school year alone. I was also more established in some semblance of a career. I didn’t have a large balance in my savings account, but my credit score was improving enough that I wouldn’t be a complete drain on someone else.
“Of course, you could. You’re gorgeous, Rowan. There are a ton of men who love redheads, and you have those beautiful blue eyes, too. And don’t get me started on your body. I bet you’d match with someone in no time.”
I scrubbed my hands down my face. “First, you’re biased, but I love you for it. I haven’t been called beautiful since...since, I don’t know how long. Second, I have no idea how to even set up a profile.”
“It’s easy,” she said, and an hour later, we had finished the bottle of wine, and I was now alone on my couch bed with my cell phone in my hand. I had one dating app pulled up, and I couldn’t believe how many potential matches I already had in just this short time.
I decided to turn out the lights and settle in before grabbing my cell phone once again. As I started to scroll, occasionally stopping to look at the gallery on some of the profiles, I would sometimes forget whether it was right or left that I had to swipe to show that I liked someone.
There were so many men here in New York City alone, according to their profiles. I knew there was every chance that I could get catfished. After all, a girl at my last job had been twice.It was so much easier to just meet someone in person, so you at least knew the photos they were showing were correct. You could also learn other details about them, too.
I received a few notifications as I continued to scroll through the profiles as I lay there in the dark. Evidently, a few people had swiped ‘right’ on me, so we were now matches. My profile was bare bones with nothing more than three pictures, all of which had been taken here in the city. One had been at Coney Island when I’d accompanied Ciara there on a school field trip, another was at the Rockefeller tree lighting ceremony last Christmas with my daughter as well, while the last had been one of me in a dress two years ago, right before I had headed to her kindergarten graduation.
“My life has really, truly revolved around you,” I said as I thought about my daughter.
Had I not have gotten pregnant, I had no idea what I would’ve done when Rowan and Mamma had died. There had been very little reason to hold on after that point, except that I had the biggest reason inside of me. She’d been my whole world from that point, and it showed. Prior to, I hadn’t even been sure I would see this pregnancy through, but I was now glad that I did.
And I was also glad that her father never even knew about her. I’d just found out that I was pregnant a few days before Cillian had returned from Ireland. Sure, I had wanted to tell him, but had ultimately decided to let him get settled back in at school first. The last thing I had wanted to do was spring it all on him at once.
Hey, I know you’ve just gotten back from a killer summer in Ireland, and you’re about to start your senior year of school, but surprise– I’m pregnant –And now your life can be ruined like mine.
Only, Ciara had proven to be anything but a disaster. She wasn’t even an accident. She was a miracle, and as another guyfrom Staten Island matched with me, I just hoped that any man I decided to meet knew how much she meant to me. My daughter was everything to me, and I would never let a man change that. We were a package deal.
“This is hopeless,” I eventually said as I turned off my cell phone.
I’d humored my friend, but it didn’t mean that I had to actually follow through with meeting any of these guys. I had told her as much, and she told me to just talk to a few, and since there was no harm in that, I decided to see if I had any messages in the morning.
After getting my pillows all fixed the way I liked them, I always moved one of them to my side, where I would hug it to me as I slept. There’s only been one complete night when I’d ever had that, and it was the most perfect night, until it wasn’t.
My eyes closed and soon a familiar face entered my dreams. It wasn’t often that I would go to sleep with Cillian on my mind, but on the ones that I did, my heart would shatter once again. I had loved him so much. It was one-sided because if he had loved me as he claimed, he never would’ve hidden his true heritage from me, and he wouldn’t have sacrificed those closest to me for what I still did not know. The odds were that I never would, either.
Manhattan, New York
