I could grant her that. It was the least I could do.
My job going forward was to be something else—something she couldn’t be. The protector. The man who would keep her safe no matter what the personal cost. The only thing I couldn’t save her from was me.
She was on her own with that.
“I’m sorry,” I breathed against her.
“So am I. I didn’t mean to embarrass you or myself. I was just desperate. I saw the track you were on and panicked.” She lifted her head and looked up at me, chewing her bottom lip.
Pushing my forehead to hers, I held her gaze.
“We’ll be the death of each other, Hanagan. Mark my words. The two of us will go up in flames.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ayda
He loved me.
All of the other bullshit seemed to melt away as the words bounced around in my head and resonated from my skull. I repeated it, sang it and bellowed it, all in the sanctuary of my own mind as I forced myself to stay calm in front of him. I don’t think even I had realized quite how much I wanted to hear those words until he said them. Of course, he said them in true Drew Tucker fashion, gruff, pissed off, but with an honesty I’d come to expect from him. Even his last sentence failed to leave any real imprint on my inner joy. I was insulated in that giddy place where Santa used to live, mainly by the simple sentiment of love he’d given me.
I was an adult, and I knew that the revelation of how he felt wouldn’t simplify the situation any more than my confession of love had after the fire. I knew there was still a large part of him that almost wished I would take his words to heart and walk away. He would sacrifice what we had in order to save us both, and as admirable as that was, I wasn’t buying what he was selling. We were stronger together. I just had to learn to walk away when he was with the other guys, and he had to learn to trust I wouldn’t run or push him in a differentdirection when there was trouble. We had to establish a deeper level of trust and leave the honeymoon period behind.
Staring up at him with every ounce of the love I felt, I ran my hands up his back to his shoulders, following the thick muscle of his arms as they looped around my neck, and entwined my fingers with his. There were so many things I wanted and needed to say. There were questions I needed to ask and answers I had to give, but as the silence wrapped itself around us, I just wanted to lay in his arms and forget the world existed.
Unfortunately, the air between us still crackled and I knew we needed to get a few things out in the open before I could let myself revel in those three little words and the man that had uttered them to me.
“Can I ask you something?”
“No,” he said through an obvious smirk.
Dropping my head back against his arm, I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes, trying my hardest to hide the answering smile that made my lips tingle. “What happened today? With Kenny? I don’t want to get into another screaming match, but if you could help me understand…”
“Understand what?”
“The need to fight,” I said quietly.
He inhaled sharply, bringing our hands down my face and holding me in place. “This morning I told him to stay away from you and he didn’t. Kenny has been… difficult, lately. I figured out the reason why and I didn’t like it. I gave him his warning, and he didn’t listen.”
Leaning into the touch of his hand, I tried to turn over the implications of that statement in my head. I knew how I would have reacted to anyone else saying something along thoselines. There was an unspoken morality there, but this wasn’t anyone else, and as I was becoming more and more aware, this world was run by a different set of rules. I just needed to learn them before I put my foot in it again.
“I didn’t know that.”
“He was going to push me until I let it happen. Kenny wanted the fight; he just didn’t know it. After what happened at the Emps’ place, I was all out of patience. Seeing him with his hands on you…” He stopped himself from going any further, the usual tightening of his mouth speaking volumes as he searched my face over and over again. “Today hasn’t been a good day.”
“I didn’t know that, either,” I admitted, searching his eyes. I couldn’t defend Kenny, mainly because I didn’t know what his problem was, but I did need to make something perfectly clear to him. “I’m not sure why he feels the need to push buttons, Drew, but you have to know that I wouldn’t ever let anything happen. Not ever. I certainly never would have…”
I trailed off and looked at my bare legs. I’d made a complete fuck up of the situation and made matters worse.
“I’m an idiot.”
“He’s in love with you, Ayda. Can’t say I blame him.” He lifted my chin carefully. “I never thought you’d do anything. It was about respect. There was only one way he was ever going to listen to me, which is why I did what I did. I didn’t enjoy it any more than you liked the idea of it, but this is the life we lead. Blood is shed like water. What we can’t say in words, we say through the power of our fists.”
I was so naïve. I never once thought about Kenny in that capacity. Sure, he used to flirt with me when I started cleaning The Hut to repay the debt, but I thought that had long sincepassed. He spent so much time with Tate, I’d started to think of him like another annoying brother to contend with, but with Drew’s words, that suddenly felt awkward and wrong.
“I really am sorry. I had no idea, about any of it. If I’d known, I would never have invited myself into the game,” I said, dropping my hand and flinging it to the side. “Or insulted him to instigate that chase. I need to know these things, Drew. I treated him like I treat Tate.”
“I really hope you don’t put your ass in Tate’s face like that.” He grinned, finding way too much humor in the fact that I was suddenly squirming.
