I pointed back to the bar and kept my eyes trained on her. “I’m fucking sorry… Was that you keeping your opinion to yourself out there while you were flashing your ass to the entire club? Was that you keeping your opinion to yourself in the yard when you told me what you thought of me and my macho bullshit?” Tilting my head to the side, I frowned and leaned a little closer, lowering my voice. “And you know more than anyone that if I was tired of being tied down, I’d be the first to let you know. Don’t taint who I am now with who I used to be when it comes to women. I wasn’t the one out there, half naked, making an exhibition of myself. You’re right, this life is too fucking dangerous for you, because out there, I wanted to kill every man in that room the moment they laid eyes on what was mine. Fucking mine! I wanted to kill my own family… for you! I would never do that to you. Never. No matter how much I thought you’d fucked up.”
I stood up straight, closing my eyes and pulling in a deep breath as my hands found my face before sliding all the way down it. Letting them fall to the edge of my mouth, I sighed and looked back up at her, unable to ignore the absolute agony of the pounding in my chest as all the external cuts and injuries ceased to exist.
“You’re basing this whole fucking argument onone day, Drew. One. I’m not perfect. In fact, I’m so fucking far from it I don’t even feel the rays of it on my face. What thatwasout there was a desperate attempt to keep you in my life. You think I can’t feel when you’re pushing me away? You think I don’t know when you’ve made your mind up? I’m not stupid, and I’m not as naïve as you seem to think I am.” She swung the bottle in my direction, one foot rising to press against the wall behind her as she dropped her chin to her chest. “Loving you terrifies me. You alone have the power to break me. I’m the one that handed that to you, and you wanna know the crazy thing about it? I would do it again and again, because you’re worth it. We’re worth it, even when I don’t like you very much.”
“I never promised you an easy ride,” I said quietly, my head shaking from side to side. “And I’ve never once pushed you away before today. All I needed was a little bit of time. I’m a big boy, Ayda. I can take a lot, but I’m one man. One. Man. Sometimes, I can’t just be yours, just like you can’t bemine and only mine. There are too many other people in our lives for us to always be selfish.”
Placing the bottle on the window ledge, Ayda pushed away from the wall with her foot, her hand rubbing under her nose as she walked toward me. Stretching an arm out cautiously, she stepped closer, pressing her palm flat against my chest as she breathed in. “I never expected an easy life. I’m not even sure I wanted one. The fact is, whether you were conscious of it or not, you’ve been pushing me away in one way or another since the week after the fire. All of this you’re throwing at me, you and I both know it’s not therealissue here. I love you, Drew Tucker, and that scares both of us. It makes everything uncertain. So I’m going to give you an easy out. It’s a yes or no question. I rescind any responsibility you think you have for me. I take culpability for my own safety. You have nothing left to keep me here but you. Do you want me to leave?”
I grabbed her wrist quickly, the frown on my face taking over all my features as I held her tightly and pulled her away from my chest. “An easy out? You think anything would be aneasyout for me at this point? Is it that black and white for you?”
“For me? Never,” she said, looking down at my hand wrapped around her wrist, before bringing her eyes to meet mine. “I just need to knowsomething, Drew. All these walls you put up… I realize you’re protecting yourself, and in some respect, your club, but call me crazy, I need to know if you’re going to keep pushing to get that end result. If I’m going to survive losing you, it can’t be dragged out.”
I was certain I’d been stabbed in the chest with a jagged piece of glass when I stared into her eyes and saw all her painand confusion. My top lip curled in disgust at this whole sorry, fucked up situation. How could I tell her that I felt what I felt and have any hope of saving her? If she knew I loved her, she would never do what was right for her future. If I told her I didn’t love her, I’d never be able to forgive myself for denying my own life the one thing that it now needed more than anything else on this fucking earth. Her.
Letting our arms fall slowly, I kept a hold of her, my chin dropping down as I sighed and attempted to find something right to say.
“None of this has ever been about protecting myself.” I looked up, my jaw twitching as I searched her eyes. “I’m fucked whichever way this goes. I can’t protect you from pain if you stay, but I can’t protect you from pain if you go. You hurt, I hurt. You die inside, I get dragged through Hell for the rest of my life.”
“What doyouwant, Drew?”
“What do I want?”
“Yes,” she said, squeezing my hand. “You.”
“I want this day to end,” I whispered.
“Tell me.”
“Ayda, stop it.”
One of the tears slipped free, her lips pushed together in a thin line as it rolled over them, and yet her gaze never left mine. “Drew, please.”
My jaw worked back and forth, the muscles flexing harder than ever before as I stared at her, unable to say anything or do anything other than flare my nostrils and curl my fingers tighter around hers.
Ayda swallowed compulsively, the tears beginning to run freely, but she seemed unaware that they were there at all.She was so focused on me that her words came as a choked whisper. “Please. Please tell me what you want.”
The sight of her crying made my blood boil over. It was a slow eruption, starting in my toes and working its way up my body until my head began to shake in protest, but it was too late to stop anything. I chewed on the words, tasting them before closing my eyes and shouting them out.
“You! I want you.” I stepped back, letting her go as I threw my hands up to the back of my head and sucked in a breath. “Jesus, Ayda, don’t you get it? I want you. I want you safe. I want you happy. I want you to have what you deserve. I want you in a life where shit isn’t always so heavy. I want someone to treat you with the patience and the respect you deserve, but the thought of anyone else touching you makes me want to rip the throats of a hundred men out—men I don’t even know—just for the sake of being the brutal bastard that I am. I want you to not always give me that look that’s begging me to do the right thing when the wrong thing comes so easily to me. I want to never have to disappoint you. I want to give you the world. I want to not want all of these things because wanting them and wantingyoumeans that no matter how much I try and stop myself from admitting that I love you…” My eyes flew open to meet hers. “I can’t, because I love you. I really fucking love you, Ayda.”
The air came out of my nose fast and heavy as I stared at her, my chest rising and falling so hard I could barely create any volume when I spoke again.
“I love you.”
Stepping forward, she brought up her trembling hands and cupped my cheeks. They were cool to the touch, a complete contradiction to the warmth in her eyes. “Ask me what I want,Drew.”
I looked in pain. “What do you want?” I whispered.
“You. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. The rest of the shit doesn’t matter as long as I have you.” She closed the distance between us, her body pushing against mine as her forehead dropped to my shoulder. “I knew what I was accepting when I fell in love with you. I knew what it involved and I don’t want anything but you, as you are. I love you. Nothing but you throwing me away could change that.”
There were no words forming as she rested against me. My hands found the back of her neck before pushing up into her hair so I could hold her. In trying to do the right thing, I’d ended up saying the one thing I never thought I would. It felt like a weight had fallen from my shoulders, only to be replaced by something twice as heavy. My nose found its way to her hair, the smell of her shampoo taking over my senses as I closed my eyes and breathed her in.
She was the talker in our relationship.
The reason.
The one who cut through the crap and wore us both down until we admitted certain truths.
