“I hope you don’t mind my saying that,” I go on quickly. “I don’t mean to make you feel awkward or embarrassed, but I…I have come to care for you.”
There’s a longer silence now as he regards me, and once again, I wish with all my heart that I could remove that mask andsee him.
At last, he says, “It doesn’t make me embarrassed or awkward to hear that. Why would it? I care about you, too. That’s why I came back, after all. To care for you.”
I want to kiss him, but there’s more I need to share. “Let’s keep walking,” I say. “I want to talk to you about something else.”
The mask shifts in a way that suggests his eyebrows have gone up. But he says nothing, and lets me lead him through the maze to the statue I commissioned. It’s been covered in gauzy webs and the occasional plastic centipede the size of my forearm. It’s very unlike the kind of classic, sleek decorations Zee allows in the house. And once upon a time, I might have objected at how silly it looks, even directed Oliver to tear off the decorations—but I’m actually pleased by it.
“You know that I commissioned this sculpture,” I begin.
He nods slowly.
“It was intended as a wedding gift for Martin. The production was held up, but I planned to unveil it to him once we got back from the honeymoon. Originally, I meant to have it installed on the grounds at Arden Hall, but I couldn’t bear to look at it after… Anyway, Zee and Niklaus offered to buy it from me, and have it shipped out here. It seemed like the best thing to do at the time. I asked them to have it installed here, in this part of the maze, so that I could stay away from it. I’ve never liked the maze all that much. I prefer things to be…clear.”
He grins at that. “Yes, you certainly do,” he says.
“I even memorized the paths the very first year Zee had it installed, so that I would never be lost. Martin liked to come in here a lot, like you.”
“Do you…think about Martin when we come in here?” Itsoundscasual, but I think that’s just a front.
“No,” I tell him, honestly. “I only ever think aboutyou. And now this sculpture reminds me that it’s time to move on. To let the past go, and…find happiness.”
Oliver says nothing, but he reaches out to stroke his fingers down the wing of the eagle.
“I wasn’t ready before,” I tell him. “But now, I think I am.”
Oliver’s smile, when he turns back to me, is more reserved than I would like. “I’m very happy to hear that, my lord. I really am.”
In for a penny, in for a pound. “Oliver, I want you to know I think very highly of you. I think—if it was something that you wanted—we might be able to discover more about ourselves together than we could apart.”
Why can I never just say what I feel? My tongue has become foreign in my mouth, tripping over itself as though it wants to keep the words unspoken.
“But that’s the problem, my lord,” Oliver is saying carefully.
I forget my awkwardness for a moment. “What do you mean?”
“You’re going back to England.”
“I don’t see—”
“You have no plans to move here. ButIwill behere. In America. Where my career is. Where mylifeis.”
I open my mouth to speak again and, happily, shut it before the words can come out. What I had been about to say was thatnaturallyhe would come to England with me. And then I see how incredibly arrogant and solipsistic I really am.
“Of course,” I say instead, my heart squeezing hard, as though it’s trying to wring itself bloodless. “Of course you’ll be here. And I’ll be…there. But what I wanted to ask was whether you might consider…”
“Something long-distance?” he says. “Look, I can’t deny I’ve thought about it. But it wouldn’t be fair to either of us, not without a firm plan for being together in the future.”
“I suppose not.” I’m getting desperate now.
“My career is here,” he goes on. “It’simportantto me. Do you understand that, Elliot?”
“Of course. OfcourseI understand. But—perhaps a short-term arrangement while Iamhere?”
It’s not at all what I want. But it’s better than nothing, and I can’t bearnotto have him while I can.
“Short-term?” he says, his voice a little warmer. “I…I guess I can do short-term. Hell, I’m thekingof short-term. As long as we both remember that there’s an expiration date,” he warns.
