“Hey neighbor, I’m just checking on you,” James said calmly.
“Hey.”
“What are you up to?” he asked.
“Nothing. I haven’t left my bed all day.”
“Okay. Do you want some company?” he asked. “Not in your bed, I just mean, in general,” he quickly clarified, but he sounded embarrassed by the implication of his initial suggestion.
“I’ll be honest, I’m not sure if I can move.”
“How about moving five feet out onto the roof, like old times, just as long as you promise not to jump off of it,” he joked. “We can just sit out there and talk, or we don’t have to talk at all if that’s what you want to do.
“Ha. Ha.” I fake laughed, pretending to be amused, but understanding why he said it.
“I’ll be on the roof in ten minutes. See ya.” Then he hung up the phone.
I set down the receiver and turned up the stereo volume as the song had changed to You Never Know.
I peeled the covers back, deciding it would be pathetic for him to see me lying in bed through the window. When I went to unlock the window to slide it open, I could already see James making his way up onto the roof.
“Look who’s alive,” he said, then he paused, embarrassed. “Sorry, I swear that wasn’t supposed to be a joke. It just came out. I’m glad to see you’re up and moving,” he recovered, as he extended his hand to help me out onto the roof. I grabbed his wrist, and he pulled me through. Grabbing his wrist brought back a flood of memories, but I tried to push them down deep. I wasn’t willing to deal with them right now. James sat down on the roof, and I sat beside him. Then I looked up at the stars.
“Thanks for calling, otherwise I might have stayed in that bed for the rest of Christmas break,” I said, as I admired the hint of the moon in the sky.
“My Mom suffers from depression, I know it’s not something you can just snap out of. Give yourself time, Allie,” he said, as I saw him look over at me out of the corner of my eye. I held my gaze on the constellation and didn’t reply. I was glad that he seemed to accept my silence.
I lay back on the roof and clasped my hands together on my chest. He followed suit, and we just lay there as the needles of the pine tree waved above us in the breeze. I don’t know how long we lay in silence before I remembered what my mom had asked me.
“Hey, James? What are you doing on the 23rd?” I asked as I turned to look at him.
“I don’t know. Why?”
“I have to go to my cousin’s wedding here in town, and my mom talked me into singing in it, but I told her I would only do it if I could bring a date. Would you want to come with me?” I asked, hopeful that he would say yes, but fully prepared for him to decline.
“Heck yeah, that sounds fun,” he said, enthusiastically.
“Okay, cool, I’ll call you with the details. Can we just lie here for a while longer, if you don’t mind?” I asked, looking over at him again.
“Sure, whatever you need,” he said, offering me a gentle smile, then looking back up at the sky.
We lay out there on the roof until the dusk loomed, and I was startled by the whistle of the 6:00 train, fully aware that twenty-four hours earlier, I was about to take my last breath. Thanks to James, I was still here, breathing beside him. As the train drew closer, I reached out, grabbed James’s hand, and squeezed it tight until the last car passed. Once the sound of the train on the tracks went quiet, I let go of his hand, let it fall to the roof, and started to sob.
“I’m sorry that you found me like that last night, James. I never should have put you in that position,” I apologized through sobs as I turned to look at him, hopeful that he wouldn’t have resentment in his eyes. “Thank you for caring enough to come check on me. I’m not sure how I can ever repay you,” But he just smiled in reply. I’m sure he didn’t know what to say.
As the time grew closer to midnight, James headed home so that I could get some sleep. My head was still fuzzy, and the covers were calling, so I quickly did my bedtime routine and crawled back into bed. As I lay under the blankets, I wrapped my arms around my waist, but my thoughts drifted to Chris. I wondered what he was doing at that very moment and if he still thought of me. How could he move on so easily after everything he had said to me and all the moments we had shared? Something didn’t add up.
I reached for the remote, changed the song to Stay or Leave and quietly cried myself to sleep.
31
The next morning, I woke up early to a woodpecker hammering away outside my window. I banged on the window to scare him off, but he returned moments later, so I decided to get up from my melancholy slumber. I was too cozy in my flannel PJs to change, so I made my way to the bathroom, glad to brush my teeth in peace. Amy must have left for the mall with her friends, which was her Saturday tradition.
I could smell something good coming from the kitchen, so I went downstairs to find my Mom at the sink cleaning up. I had skipped dinner the night before, so the plate of pancakes and bacon sitting out on the stove for me was a welcome sight.
“Good morning, sweetie. You’ve been awfully tired,” she said, looking over her shoulder a she scrubbed the stubborn pancake crust from the pan.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I said, unsure how to tell her what I was actually going through. We were never close enough to share our feelings with one another. I sat down at the table, drenched the pancakes in syrup, and stuffed big bites in my mouth to avoid an awkward conversation, then the phone rang and my mom picked it up.
