I’m being taken away, too, by both Sky and Sage, who help me into the car. I stare out the window when Sky starts the engine, my mind going over the series of events that have happened since Erika came over to us, rambling like reality had escaped her long ago. Carter, saying his grandmother won’t give him the money till he’s married. Him letting her walk all over me and me thinking it was because he didn’t want to endanger his money.
“Carter already has the money.” I tap my fingers against the car door, my heart oddly feeling like it’s being ripped apart. “He told me we would just stay married till he got it. And then that would be it. The marriage would be done.” I close my eyes tight, cursing under my breath because I think they may be stinging. “We can go our separate ways now. It’ll be like we were never married to begin with, I guess.”
“Is that really what you want?” Sky asks.
It’s immature, but I can only shrug in response. Because no…it’s not what I want. It’s kind of the opposite of what I want,but I’m too scared to be honest in this moment. It feels like there’s too much at stake.
Sage breaks my thoughts with her own opinion on the subject. “Teal. I think it’s obvious to all of us that you’re falling for him. You don’t have to end the marriage right now. You can, you know—”
“—stay married to your best friend,” Sky finishes.
Stay married to my best friend. I run a hand over my chest. Those words make the whole area feel less like it’s breaking and more like everything is actually…okay. “I mean. Yeah, that makes sense. Carter told me…” My breath catches. Did Carter tell me he loves me back? When I first said those words to him?
I think to that moment. Me being brave and soproudof that bravery in the movie theater. He saidI told myself I wouldn’t make love to you until you fell in love with meandI tried so hard to resist you, Teal, but I never could. But he didn’t exactly say the wordsI love youin return. “He shared that he had feelings for me, too,” I finish lamely.
But, honestly…did he? It’s one thing for him to say he couldn’t resist me. That he wouldn’t “make love” to me until he knew it wasn’t just a fuck to me.
But what aboutlove? Is Carter capable of it? Specifically withme? Teal Flores. Bad temper. Probable shopping addiction. Runswaytoo much.
Yes, I’ve gotten my soul back, so there isn’t a danger of me attracting tornadoes and hail to Cranberry at the drop of a hat, but…ultimately, I’m stillme. What if Erika is right? That no matter what, I’m irreparably broken?
No one else would ever want you.At the exact worst time, these ugly words bounce into my head, gripping too tight. Not letting go no matter how much I will them to.
“Do you want to go back to, uh, his place?” Sky asks.
Just three minutes ago, before I realized Carter never said he loved me…I would’ve said yes. I would’ve gone to Carter’s place—which I’ve begun to think of as our place, our home—and told him I knew about the money. And talked it out, confident enough that he would want this. To stay married to me.
But now, even with just those series of insecure thoughts and feelings and memories, I’m so unsure. I feel about as balanced on a skinny fallen tree trunk over a wide, roaring river. All I want is something deeply familiar—a home full of painted glass windows and a sunflower yellow kitchen and an attic filled with the howls of wind-ghosts.
“No,” I finally say. “Take me to Nadia’s, please.”
34
It’s weird, being in bedin my childhood room, feeling like utter shit, and yet…it’ssunnyout. The sunshine is so bright and yellow, as happy as the line of sunflowers Nadia always plants by the mailbox, that I honestly feel offended. Dark clouds do come at my most painful thoughts…but then I will them away. And then they actually dissipate right before my eyes.
I’ve gotten what I thought I had wanted more than anything in this universe—my gift, whole,me, whole—and yet I couldn’t care less.
I grab my phone for the umpteenth time in fifteen minutes to see if I have any more responses to my last post. There are a half-dozen texts from Carter—ranging fromGood morning, mi esposatoHow are you feeling?????toHey, call me as soon as you see this, okay? I’m a little worried.
Last night I told him I wasn’t feeling well and that I was going to spend the night at Nadia’s. I feel guilty worrying him, but I’m stuck. My therapist would say this is the freeze state, triggered by a previous trauma. And I’m going to guess exactly what thetrauma would be. Mama leaving me, alone, outside this very house, right in the middle of the night.
My deepest fear is that Carter will do the exact same thing to me. I mean…of course he won’t steal my soul and take off in a big truck with someone else. But what if, now that he has the money, he’s just waiting to have a conversation about ending the marriage? About kicking me out?
I don’t know if I could survive that.
I fell in love with my fake husband and I don’t know what to do
posted in r/OffMyChest byTealLightningfour hours ago
I fake married my childhood best friend and I fell in love with him but he didn’t say those damn words I LOVE YOU back to me, and I didn’t realize it until after he got his money he needed, which is why we married in the first place. Our agreement was that we’d stay married till he got this money and now he has it?? And I don’t know what to do? Because what if it’s really over now? What if my heart is about to be ridiculously broken by him? Seriously, WHY DO PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE, this is truly THE WORST.
Now I’m moping in my childhood bed like a literal loser, I haven’t spoken to him in fifteen hours, I literally feel like my heart has been ripped from my body and someone please just help me, what the hell am I supposed to say to him? I feel like I can’t breathe rn
ETA- tagging @HeroLemon701 because you told me I’d fall in love with him if I slept with him like this is a fucking romance novel and it happened, okay, and now you have to tell me how to not feel like every bone in my body is breaking
ringalingadingdong—Why haven’t you asked him if he loves you back? Seems like an easy-ass fix to me. Also, lay off the caps next time, would you? Yikes.
TealLightning—Because, what if he says no? I can’t stand another heartbreaking rejection in my life. I’ve had wayyy too much of that shit. Also, re: all caps: STOP BEING A PRETENTIOUS LOSER, ASSHAT
