“I know.” Lulu could barely speak with the way his heart was racing in his chest. “I know it is.”
“It’s my favorite book because Jane and Rochester’s love is as unlikely as it comes. Not just because of social constructs such as class and gender. No, Rochester thinkshe’s undeserving of Jane, yet he still wants her. He craves her. Although he sees himself as tainted, broken, perhaps, because of his past, he must have her because, in having Jane, who is pure and good, lies his redemption.” Xavi smiled carefully, then reached for Lulu’s chin, brushing it softly with his knuckles. “Then there’s Jane. She’s so clever, and strong, and determined. She marches to the beat of her own drum, not caring what society tells her she can or cannot do or be. She’s not conventionally beautiful, no, her beauty runs deeper than that. Her beauty lies in her intelligence, in her unwavering soul. She’s a fighter. As true as they come. She knows herself, and she remains true to herself throughout the book. Nothing unsettles her, not even the power of her love for Rochester. She’s…” Xavi’s voice momentarily broke, and Lulu ached to reach for him, to hold him in a tight embrace against his chest, but the look in Xavi’s eyes told Lulu he needed to let him finish.
“She’s so fucking awe-inspiring. She’s so brave and so constant in her values. She’s been knocked over a thousand times by society, by life, by the people who are supposed to love her, and yet, she still rises. She rises again and again, and she never, not even fucking once, feels sorry for herself. She continues to claw herself through life and rise again and again because she knows,” Xavi hesitated, his voice breathy.
“What? What does she know?” Lulu found himself enthralled by Xavi’s words. He knew there was a secret message somewhere, although it was eluding him for now. He searched for the answer in Xavi’s face, knowing it was there somewhere if he only looked closely enough.
“That she’s fucking worthy,” Xavi gritted, fire dancing in his eyes. “That she’s fucking deserving of happiness. That she’s every bit as good as anyone else. She knows it with such conviction because she knows herself, and that’s why she fights so extraordinarily and so bravely for not just herself but for Rochester, too, and basically for everyone who thinks they’re undeserving. Or broken. Or has ever been made to feel less. That’s what makes her the strongest protagonist in literature. Ever. At least in my opinion. That’s why Jane is part of my curriculum every fucking year and will be until the day I stop teaching.”
Xavi’s words came out with such fierceness that it shook Lulu to his core. He suspected Xavi was talking about himself, and that’s why his next words stole all the air from Lulu’s lungs.
“You’re my Jane,cisne. You are strong and brave, and you fight tooth and nail for not just your own happiness but for mine, too. You are unwavering in your faith in me. You’re selfless and kind and stronger than anyone I know. You’re a true fighter, Lulu. You never feel sorry for yourself or blame anyone else for the hardship you’ve met. Fuck, you don’t even blame your fucking parents. You still find a place in your heart for them despite the shit they put you through.”
Lulu’s head was spinning, a thousand sensations coursing through his body. Xavi’s fingers continued to squeeze around his, his knuckles brushing along Lulu’schin, and he was glad for that because otherwise he would’ve thought he was dreaming.
“You are pure,cisne. You are the most beautiful person I know. I’m sorry I couldn’t be brave for you sooner, but I’m here now. I’m here with you now, and I won’t disappear ever again. I love you, baby, and you make me feel like I deserve to be loved, too. Like I deserve to be loved by someone like you.”
“You do! You do more than anything.” Tears were running down Lulu’s cheeks with no end in sight, his chest tight with emotion.
“I believe you,” Xavi laughed, his voice breathy, free. “I finally believe you. Because of you, I believe it. That’s why when you ask me if we’ll be okay, I know we will. As long as I have you,mano, and your faith in me, I know we will be. As long as we love each other.”
“I do. I love you so much,oso.”
“I know you do. I see it now. I’m no longer afraid of seeing it. I love you, too. More than I can ever put into a thousand sentences.”
“One is enough. One will do just fine,” Lulu laughed through his tears.
“Okay.” Staring at Lulu through thick lashes, Xavi blushed adorably. “So no moretrial, okay? We’re boyfriends, real fucking boyfriends. And that’s what we’re gonna be later today at the rehearsal dinner and tomorrow at the wedding.”
“Okay.”
“I mean it. I’m not gonna change my mind about this. Not ever.”
“You better not,” Lulu croaked, then leaned in and brushed his lips against Xavi’s. “Because I’ve never had a boyfriend before, and I really like it.”
A possessive sound left Xavi’s throat as his fingers dug into Lulu’s shoulders, then fisted his sweater.
“I’ve never had a boyfriend before either,” Xavi gritted against his chin, before he traced the outline of it with his nose. “And I really fucking like it, too.” Then he buried his face against Lulu’s neck, sighing deeply, like a huge rock had just fallen from his shoulders or the entire world, perhaps. Lulu felt lighter, too, like he could do anything. Like he could run up the highest mountain and spread out his arms and just take off and fly. Just fly.
“Let’s go then. Let’s go.”
“Five more minutes. Just five more minutes.”
“Okay,” Lulu gasped, tilting his head back, when Xavi sucked his Adam’s apple all the way inside his divine mouth. “Okay.” Because what were five more minutes when you had the rest of your lives together?
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Xavi
It looked like the rest of the party had just sat down at a long table in the back when he and Lulu blasted through the door to the Italian restaurant in downtown Portland. They’d had to circle around for five minutes before they’d managed to find a parking space a few blocks away, which they could squeeze the FIAT into. They’d run down the streets, holding hands, broad smiles plastered across their faces, and Xavi couldn’t recall a time when he’d been happier, freer. It had felt good to have finally opened his heart completely to Lulu, like an invisible weight had been lifted from his chest, now finally allowing him to breathe more freely.
Joe’s face lit up as soon as he saw them, and he nearly catapulted from his seat, then jogged through the packed restaurant to meet them.
“You made it!” He wrapped one arm around each of them, pulling them tightly into a group hug. “I was starting to worry.”
“Of course.” Xavi smiled against Joe’s shoulder. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world,mano.”
“Appreciate it.” Joe’s voice sounded thick with emotion, and when he eased out of the hug, his eyes were moist. Sniffling, he shrugged, wiping at his eyes. “I can’t seem to help myself. I’m fucking leaking every five minutes.”
