“We’re going,mano. It’s not up for discussion. When will we gays ever get the chance to party hard in Mormon land, huh?” Turning toward the back, he smiled at Finn. “You’re coming, too, right, Finn?”
Finn shook his head. “It sounds really great, Lulu, but I think I’m just gonna call it a day when we get to Salt Lake.”
“Whaaat? You sure,mano?”
“Yes, but thanks for asking, Lulu. You and Xavi should definitely go. It sounds fun.”
Fun. Right.Xavi could think of at least a hundred things right now that sounded a lot more fun than going to a place called Excommunicated, watching Lulu twerking to the power bottom rhythms of someone called DJ Hunni Drip. He bet theLatter Day Gayswould be all over Lulu, and that was the last thing Xavi needed; to lose his ever-loving shit in the middle of Utah. Nah, he’d rather have his eyelashes removed one by one with a pair of rusty tweezers than go to a club.
“You’re going,oso,” Lulu leaned in, whispering against Xavi’s earlobe, sending shivers down his spine, causing vivid—way too vivid—images from last night to move through Xavi’s mind. “I wanna dance with you, lover,” Lulu spoke sultrily, and suddenly it felt like they were no longer driving down the I-80 but standing in the middle of a vast prairie, a deep canyon stretching out in front of them. Like they were the last two people not just on Earth but in the entire universe. “I want…” The rest of the sentence drowned in the loud rushing noise in Xavi’s head.
It felt like Lulu was asking more of him than just going to a club. It felt like he was asking Xavi to jump, to take a leap of faith, and step off the edge of the canyon, spread his arms wide, and just jump. Just. Jump. How many times hadn’t Xavi stood in a dark corner at Noches Habaneras watching Lulu dance with some other guy, wanting it to be him instead. How many times hadn’t he watched Lulu move seductively under those neon lights, his beautiful body bathed in shades of blues, greens, and purples, and wanted it to be him, Xavi, holding Lulu close to his body? And now Lulu was asking him. Lulu finally wanted him as much as he wanted Lulu. So why was he saying no? Why on earth was he saying no?
Xavi found himself nodding slowly, his eyes fixed on the road, which was no longer a desert, but still wide open, filled with possibility and endless days and nights with Lulu.
“Yeah? Really,oso?”
“Sure. Why not? I can’t seem to say no to you,cisne.”
“Thank you.” Lulu smiled as though Xavi had just agreed to fly off to the moon and bring it back to Lulu on a silver platter, then go back for a couple of stars too.
For a few seconds, silence lingered in the car, the hum of the engine the only sound. Then Finn spoke softly.
“Your names. What do they mean?”
“Our names?” Lulu turned around in his seat, his bottom lip pushed out in question.
“Yeah. Is itosoandcisnesomething?”
“Oh. Yeah.Osomeans bear. Xavi’s my bear. Myosito. He’s always been.” Lulu blushed, then coughed, clearing his throat. “Xavi’s last name is Bernal, and in Spanish that means someone who’s bear-like. I mean in stature. So,oso, I guess.”
“I love that. Andcisne?”
“Cisneis from Cisnero. That’s my last name.Cisnemeans swan. Right, Xavi?” Xavi could all but nod, images of dancing with Lulu, their bodies wrapped around each other, still occupying his thoughts. “Xavi even has a tattoo of a swan, but if you ask him, he’ll tell you it’s from some stupid book, when really it’s because he’s always been in love with me. Just like I’ve always been in love with myoso, right Xavi?”
“Lulu…”
“Okay, okay, I’ll be good.” Lulu laughed, the sound lofty and happier than Xavi had ever heard it. They were in love, weren’t they? The way they’d made love yesterday, and this morning had solidified that. They were in love. And maybe that meant also stepping outside of your comfort zone once in a while and doing something because it would make Lulu happy. Fuck, all Xavi wanted was to make Lulu happy. And if that meant going to a club in Utah, dancing with Lulu under the neon lights, then so be it. Xavi could be brave like that. For Lulu, he could.
Excommunicated appeared to betheplace to be if you were a queer person in Mormon Land. It was vibrant, colorful, and as close to gay heaven as any place on earth could be. The dance floor was packed, bodies moving to the deep, thumping bass of the beats that DJ Hunni Drip threw at the crowd from a platform rising high above the dance floor. The place was at least twice as big as Noches Habeneras; the lower level was reserved for a bar area aside from the dance floor, whereas the upper level seemed to be more secluded seating areas. The bartenders and waiters were dressed as seductive angels in glittery hot pants, see-through crop tops, and white feathery angel wings attached to their backs. Some of them wore halos, and others, long, twisted horns.
Two things struck Xavi as soon as they entered, with Lulu clinging to his arm as he took it all in, awe painted across his face. For one, it was hard to believe it was a weeknight with how packed the club was. Second, Xavi hadn’t expected so many gays in Mormon Land. He knew it was probably just him being prejudiced, but he’d always had a picture of the Mountain West being extremely conservative and not this… colorful and queer. Then again, what was queer anyway? There was not just one way of being queer.
They learned from one of the bartenders that there’d been a Khalid concert earlier that night and that people from the concert venue had come to the club to continue the party. And party they did.
It’d been a while since Xavi had gone clubbing. It had just gotten too painful at some point to go out with Lulu and watch him go home with anyone but Xavi. He’d forgotten what it was like. The heat, the sweat, the lights, the seductive music. And skin. There was so much skin everywhere you looked. Most of the patrons seemed to be in various stages of undress, either in skimpy, revealing tops and shorts, or bare-chested, discarded T-shirts tucked into their waistbands or swinging above their heads as they jumped to the music.
After a few shots, Lulu grabbed Xavi’s hand and pulled him toward the dance floor. Xavi’s chest tightened as they moved toward the sea of people, the music wrapping around him, so loud in his head. Lulu looked back at him, smiling, his almond eyes shining, his brown skin displaying coral undertones under the neon lights. There was a shimmer to his high cheekbones, probably from some glitter he’d put on along with the blush and lip gloss. Lulu always wore make-up when he went out, his beautiful face taking on almost feline features with his dark eyes and golden skin. Xavi’s breath caught in his lungs as they moved into the pulsing crowd of people, Lulu’s ass swaying in front of him like a beacon that he could fixate on. Lulu’s shorts were so skimpy that the lower curves of his butt cheeks were visible whenever he moved or bent. The shorts sat low on his slender hips, a golden chain wrapped around his waist, and a ring hooked into his belly button piercing. The gold shimmered and sparkled whenever he moved, his white silk crop top standing out like creamy-white ice cream against his brown skin. Xavi was in his usual attire: tight black tee, black jeans, the fabric worn soft just the way he liked it, not too scratchy on his skin, his black motorcycle boots such a contrast to Lulu’s silverNew Balancesneakers.
When they reached the center of the dance floor, it was stuffed to the point where you could hardly move without colliding with another body. Xavi felt his skin crawling in that familiar way, everything too tight, everyone too close. Then Lulu’s smiling face appeared in front of him, his dark eyes wide, his lips so pink, so full.
“Eyes on me,amor,” Lulu shouted over the music. “There ain’t nobody else here but you and me,oso. Just us.” Then Lulu’s cool hands clasped his face, his thumbs brushing gently along Xavi’s cheeks, before Lulu’s lips came closer, sweeping against his lips.Te amo, Xavi thought he heard just before Lulu’s lips parted and his tongue dipped out and traced the outline of Xavi’s lips. Sucking in a clipped breath, Xavi closed his eyes, his tongue trying to catch Lulu’s, before their mouths locked in a deep kiss that sent Xavi flying high.
The music shifted from a deep bass to an upbeat remix of Dua Lipa’sBe the One,and the crowd went feral all around them. Xavi blinked his eyes open, dazed and high from a combination of Lulu’s kiss, the music, and the beauty of the people surrounding them. Because they were all so beautiful, equal, and free under the lights from above, their bodies swaying, jumping, and grinding to the beats of the music. All body types—some tall and slender, others smaller, naked stomachs soft or toned, hair splayed across pecs. Some proudly flashed their scars underneath their pecs, some nearly faded, and others were fresh and pink. Different ethnicities, various ages. It was beautiful, and in that moment, dancing with Lulu, with the way that Lulu looked at him like he was the only man in the world, Xavi felt he could be beautiful, too. Just for tonight, he felt it.
Before he could overthink it, Xavi wrapped his fingers around the hem of his T-shirt and pulled it from the waist of his jeans. His fingers shook as his stomach did a weird flip, perhaps from fear but mostly just anticipation and excitement. Then, before he had time to overthink it, he lifted his arms and tugged the T-shirt along his body, and over his head. Blinking his eyes open, Xavi found Lulu staring at him, wide-eyed, his lips slightly open. His gaze dropped to Xavi’s chest, his eyes gliding along Xavi’s scars, like a caress almost. Desire flashed in Lulu’s eyes; pure, unadulterated desire, like twin flames inside his brown eyes. Then, when Lulu blinked, two tears slipped from his lashes, making their way down his cheeks.
“Lu—oomf.” Lulu’s arms tightened around his neck, and Xavi just managed to lock his arms behind Lulu’s thighs before they wrapped around Xavi’s hips, and Lulu leapt into his arms, burying his face in the crook of Xavi’s naked shoulder. He dropped his T-shirt somewhere on the floor, but it didn’t matter. None of it mattered anymore. He no longer needed it. He no longer needed a shield against the world. He had Lulu now. Lulu, who looked at him like he was the most beautiful man in the world. Lulu, who, despite all Xavi’s scars and imperfections and missing fingers, only saw something he desired, something he wanted. Xavi didn’t need to hide anymore. Fuck it, he didn’t want to hide! Lulu loved him. He fucking loved him, Xavi! So why the fuck should he hide? No, fuck that. He was done hiding.
