Mr Harvey’s voice increases in volume, soft steps coming down the hallway, followed by louder, more eager ones. Oh no. I can’t. I just can’t. Not yet. I’m not ready. Who am I kidding? I’ll never be ready. Now that I know what real love feels like, I can’t go back to that cold, dull existence that used to be my life. It’s like tasting the darkest, richest chocolate and then being told that you can never have it again. Anger grows inside me. It’s not bloody fair! It’s not.Theydid this to me; my ‘family.’ They turned me into this frightened creature. I hate them. I hate them so mu—
“Let me go in first,” Mr Harvey says behind the slightly ajar door. “He might still be asleep, the lad. We don’t want to spook him.”
“Right, right,” East agrees, but the strain in his voice doesn’t elude me. Impatience. He’s impatient to get this over with.
The door creaks open, and Mr Harvey’s worried face appears behind it. He seems to hesitate, but when he notices that I’m awake, he enters.
“Son, there’s someone here to see you.” I swallow and the tears threaten to fall again.Someone. The man I love more than anything. My heart. Mr Harvey tilts his head, taking me in. I must look a right fright. “But if you’re not up to it, I’ll tell him to come back.”
I shake my head, swallowing back the bile starting to rise in my throat. I clench my fists in the woollen duvet that smells of Mr Harvey and everything that’s good and right in this world. Breathing through my nose, I focus on Mr Harvey’s kind face. He still loves me. At the end of the day, Mr Harvey still loves me. That has to be enough. When I feel like I’m not going to puke, scream, or pass out, I nod.
“It’s okay, Mr Harvey. You can let him in. I’m okay.” I’m not. I’ll never be okay again. I’m the most un-okayistest person in the world.
“You sure, lad?” Mr Harvey shifts on his feet, a protectiveness emanating off him that is at least a little comforting. I wonder if East has told him what I’ve done? No, he wouldn’t. I’m sure of that at least.
“Yes. Thank you.” I offer him a weak smile, brushing my fingers through my unruly hair, smoothing the wayward locks somewhat.
“All right then. But you call if you need me, won’t you? I’ll be right down in the kitchen, so you just give me a shout.”
“I will,” I whisper, sniffing the tears away.I love you,Mr Harvey, I want to tell him.I love you so much.He’s the father I always wanted, a good, kind man. The father I should have had in a perfect world. But the world isn’t perfect.
He nods again, then disappears behind the door, and I get just a few seconds to prepare myself before he appears. My East. No, notmyEast. He’s not my East. Not anymore.
“Benjamin!” he rushes out, his hands held out in front of him like I’m a wild animal that he’s afraid of spooking. “Darling,” he croaks, rushing to my side, his eyes spilling over with worry. It takes my mind a few seconds to wrap itself around the desperatedarling, and a few more to notice that he’s shaking like a baby leaf on a cruel April day.
“I was so worried,” he blurts, kneeling on the carpet next to the sofa, carefully reaching for my hands. “So worried,” he repeats, his fingers tangling through mine, his blue eyes dark with concern. My initial thought is that he hasn’t noticed yet. That he hasn’t noticed how I’ve soiled his bed, ruined the very place where we madelove for the first—and only—time. My mind goes to all sorts of places; I could run back to the flat and hide the evidence of my shame before he notices or I could run away and join a circus that hires bunnies or I could—“I’m so sorry, Benjamin,” he says, his eyes brimming with…tears. Yes, there’s no mistake. The blue is swimming in watery pools of more blue, that deep frown digging into his skin between his golden brows. “I’m so sorry, my darling,” he says, squeezing my fingers between his, his voice growing in insistence. “I didn’t know.” He gets up from the floor and carefully sits down next to me on the sofa. Releasing my hands, he cradles my cheeks gently, before he leans in and presses a tender kiss to my forehead. “I didn’t know, my sweet, sweet Bunny.”
And I break. I break into a thousand tiny pieces.Bunny. I’m still Bunny. It’s not pretty, my breakdown. It’s not like in the movies where silent, sophisticated tears trail down the hero’s cheeks, while he sobs quietly and composed. It’s not stoic and controlled. It’s not. It’s ugly-crying times one hundred. There’s snot and snorts and gulps. There are hiccups, and I even think I throw up in my mouth a little once the stress and anguish have left my body.
“East,” I squeak, tugging at his shirt. I blink, taking him in, and he looks a right mess, just like me. He looks worn and ruffled. He’s even wearing the same shirt as yesterday. He looks wrecked, but he doesn’t look angry, nor repulsed. He doesn’t.
“Come here,” he rasps, pulling me against his chest, swallowing me right up, his familiar scent with an edge of sweat engulfing me, calming my heart. He murmurs something against my left ear while he presses tender kisses against my neck.Nothing. It sounds likenothing.
“East,” I whimper, his kisses doing things to me that are not appropriate for Mr Harvey’s livingroom. “I…I didn’t mean to do it.” He freezes, his lips lingering against my neck. “I did it a lot as a child, but not so much anymore. Only when…only when I get excited.” My cheeks burn with shame, and my throat is itchy from the words leaving my mouth. “Or when I forget myself,” I admit. “I guess I must’ve forgotten myself last night.” There. That’s it. Now he knows. He knows that I’ve done it before and that it can happen again.
“I forget myself when I’m with you, too,” he says. And I feel the smile against my skin just before he releases himself and his face is right in front of my face. “I forget about everything when I’m with you, Benjamin, and it’s just the best fucking feeling in the world.” His blue eyes are bright, beaming, with nothing but sincerity reflected in the intense cerulean. “Time stops. My mind quiets down. And there’s only you.” He leans in, his lips finding mine in a featherlight kiss, his warm tongue dancing along my bottom lip, nibbling at it, sucking it into his mouth. “Nothing,” he murmurs again, and I giggle.
“What?”
“Whatwhat?” he smiles against my lips, humming contentedly like a little bee on the first day of spring.
“What ‘nothing?’” I smile back, my lips buzzing.
“Oh,” he laughs. “I keep getting distracted from what I want to say. What I wanted to tell you.” He lets go of my mouth and gazes at me. He looks drunk, my East. “You’re so bloody distracting,” he drawls. “So bloody distracting.”
“Sorry.” I giggle again. “What did you want to tell me?” His expression turns serious then, the frown back between his brows, and my fingers itch to rub it away. His hands find my shoulders, wrapping around them, holding me in a fierce grip.
“Nothing,” he starts. “Nothing willeverchange my mind about you, Benjamin. About us. Nothing in thisworld can ever change the fact that I am hopelessly and irrevocably in love with you.” A weird sound leaves my lips because he can’t possibly mean that. I must still be asleep. This is some desperate dream my mind has conjured because reality is just too hard to deal with. This is a denial dream. It has to be.
“Are we awake?” I blurt, blinking my eyes rapidly to see if he disappears. He snorts, his warm breath hitting my chin.
“Darling, are you listening to me?” he says more firmly, shaking my shoulders gently. I nod slowly.
“Yes, East. I’m listening. But…”
“But what?”
“But I’m afraid that I’m dreaming. That you’re not real,” I whisper. He sighs deeply, his grip on my shoulders growing tighter.
