“You feel it too, right?”
“I do. And I’m so fucking tired of fighting it. It’s exhausting and futile. I think I just… I think I was waiting for some sort ofguarantee, you know. That you were ace too.” It feels so good to finally put into words what’s been on repeat in my head ever since I started having feelings for Luke. That I was looking for aforever and everwhen I only know all too well that there are no guarantees in life.
“What changed your mind?” He whispers.
“You going to those meetings with me. It changed everything. That you would do that for me. I mean, I know you did it for yourself, too, but still…”
“I knew I had to. It was…” he hesitates, and I sense that he’s weighing his words. “It was so hard being around you without beingwithyou. And it was getting increasingly more frustrating not knowing myself,” he sighs.
“I think I realized that waiting around for a guarantee that you were ace was like standing on a platform just watching one train after another pass me by. Never getting on, even when the one I was waiting for stopped right in front of me. Life was just passing me by while I waited for something that didn’t exist. Sometimes you just gotta be brave and get on that train, you know?”
“A train called Luke?” I hear the smile on his lips, so tuned into him by now that I know exactly what he sounds like when he smiles.
“Yeah, a train called Luke,” I chuckle.
“So, what are you saying?” He tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear, his fingers lingering on my earlobe, playing with it.
“I guess I’m saying that I really like you and I want to be with you and see where this can go…” I inhale deeply.
“But?” The movement of his fingers stills on my earlobe.
“But you need to be honest with me. I don’t want you to hide; who you are and how you feel. If you realize you’re not—”
“I won’t,” he blurts.
“You don’t know that.”
“Oh, but I do.”
“How? How can you possibly know that?” I shake my head.
“Because I want exactly what you want, Cody. I want to kiss you. Hold you. And sleep next to you. And then obviously I want to go out with you. Hold your hand. Let the world know that you’re mine and that I’m yours.” There’s such unwavering confidence in his voice that I feel the last layer of doubt peel away.
“And that’s it?” I ask, hope seeping through my voice.
“That’s it,” he says, then his voice dips, as he squeezes me tighter against him, murmuring into my hair, “Now tell me about Danny. Tell me your favorite memory of him.”
And I do. I tell him my favorite memory of Danny and when I’m done, I tell him another. It’s like I can’t stop; the words are tumbling from my lips. I whisper all my favorite stories of Danny and me into the darkness and Luke takes them and shares them with me. He shares my happiness and my pain. My anger. My laughter. And when I’m finally overcome with sadness, and my tears spill down my cheeks for the brother that I’ve missed for so long but haven’t shared with anyone for more than a decade, Luke is right there with me, holding me against him, kissing each and every one of my tears away. And it’s like Danny is no longer gone. Like he’s no longer a secret. It’s like he’s right there with me, too, in my heart. And that’s when I promise myself, in a dark, messy teenage room in suburban Pennsylvania, that I will no longer try to forget about Danny and my dad. I will remember them and talk about them even if it hurts. And one day maybe, when I feel brave, I’ll look for them.I’ll look for them.
Because Luke has my back.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Luke
I’m on a datewith Cody. Okay, let’s just repeat that while I pinch myself. I. Am. On. A. Date. With. Cody. In my hometown. How did this happen? I mean, I know how it happened. We drove to the lake an hour ago after breakfast. I’m aware of the logistics because I’ve skated on this exact lake every winter of my childhood. But I mean,how did this happen?How did all my dreams come true in a matter of a weekend? How did I go from being a guy who knew he liked other guys but had never experienced actual attraction to being a guy who can’t stop thinking about a six-foot-four blond with the most amazing gray eyes and a shy, adorable smile? Beats me, but I can’t recall ever being this happy and just… elated.
Cody skates toward me, red like the most beautiful wild winter flowers blooming across his cheeks, his freckles lighting upagainst his pale skin, his eyes almost as blue as the ice beneath us. I bet he has more freckles in summer. I bet he has freckles in other places than across the ridge of his pointy nose. Places I haven’t fully explored yet. I know they’re sprinkled across his shoulders, and his back, too, and I can’t wait to go swimming in the summer, the July sun making them sparkle like tiny stars. Maybe there’re some behind his knees too. Or on his thighs. There are so many things I don’t know about Cody. So many things that I’ve yet to discover and explore. But I know the most important thing there is to know. He’s mine. Cody Mitchell is mine, and it’s the best feeling in the world knowing that.
“Hey,” he laughs in my face as he comes to a halting stop in front of me, his skates tearing a cloud of crystals from the ice.
“Good, right?” I laugh back at him, my gloved hands automatically reaching for him, clasping his flaming cheeks. This urge to be close to him, to touch him constantly. It’s all-consuming. It’s like an addiction and just getting through breakfast without ruffling his hair or pressing a kiss against his chin was an act of Sisyphean proportions.
“The best,” he pants, his lips so pink and puffy against his pale skin, puffs of white air bursting from his mouth. “What’s it called?”
I shake my head. “You’re impossible,” I chuckle.
“What?” he looks at me all innocent and doe-eyed, and a thousand winter birds take off in my chest, their wings basking, causing my heart to flutter. If I didn’t know any better, I would think I have a heart disease. But with the regular health check-ups, I’m pretty sure I don’t. It’s justCodyopathy. Your heart flutters uncontrollably when in close contact with a guy named Cody.
