“More wine, dear?” Luke’s mom smiles at her husband endearingly, while Elly mumbles, “Or something else.” The entire table looks my way as I try to stop tagliatelle—fuck, I hate that stupid name—from coming out of my nose, probably sounding like an asthmatic rhino doing so. My eyes begin to water as I cough and wheeze for dear life.
“For fuck’s sake!” Luke pushes Lilly’s shoulder. “Can’t you act mature for just a few minutes at a time?”
“Ouch!” she winces, exaggeratedly rubbing at her shoulder. “Mo-om,” she whines. “Luke hit me,” she pouts indignantly.
“Well, Lilly honey, you were being a nosy brat, so you can hardly blame him,” their mom muses, rubbing at a splash of tomato sauce on the white linen tablecloth.
“It’s simple causality, sweetheart,” Mr. Carrington adds, emptying his glass of wine. “Now, let’s leave the boys alone and have some dessert. Your mom made rhubarb trifle, and it is divine,” he sighs.
“Yuck, Dad,” Elly shudders. “Can you pleasenotsayMomandtriflein the same sentence?”
“Yeah,” Lilly adds, shuddering too. “That’s low-key cringe. Like seriously, Dad.”
“What?” Their father mock-gasps. “What’s wrong with a mom trifle?” he licks his lips demonstratively, smacking a loud kiss against his wife’s cheek.
“Will you stop it, you old oaf?” She blushes, clearly under his spell. “What’s going on with everyone tonight?” she smiles at first Luke, then me, her eyes lingering on mine a little longer. “The air is positively filled with pheromones,” she chuckles.
And here I am, oneSaway from full-on sobbing, surrounded by people who use words liketagliatelle, trifle, casualty,andpositivelywhile Mr. Carrington tells us about the newly renovated gaming arcade in town and how we should go there. And Luke smiles his winning smile and agrees that, “Yeah, Cody,we should totally go there tomorrow.” And I just nod stupidly, my stomach filled to the brim with tagliatelle, my heart bursting with joy and my lungs chasing my next breath before I lose it completely.
“Luke? Are you awake?” I’ve been tossing and turning on the fold-out next to Luke’s bed for what seems like hours now. From the occasional telltale rustle of fabric and soft sighs, I don’t think he’s been able to fall asleep either.
“No,” he whispers into the darkness, and I see the outline of his body as he sits up. The white of his T-shirt penetrates the darkness, but I can’t make out his individual features. “Uhm… you wanna sleep up here? With me?” he asks tentatively and I’m scrambling out of my bed before the ‘with me?’ has left his mouth. He chuckles at mySpider-Manjump into his bed as I face plant next to him. He lies down next to me, careful to keep some space between us. Although we’re both in boxer briefs and T-shirts, it’s the first time that we’ve been this close to each other wearing this little clothing.
“What were you thinking about?” he whispers, his warm breath ghosting along my chin.
“That I’ve missed being a part of a family,” I blurt. Because it’s true. And although it’s a needy thing to say, my days of pretending are over. At least, when I’m around Luke.
“Yeah, I get that,” he hums, scooting a little closer, reaching for my hand that’s resting on the sheets between us. His skin is hot and a little clammy as he tangles his fingers through mine. “I know it’s not the same and that we can never replace your dad and Danny, but you’re one of us now,” he says, so easily, likeit’s not massive to offer to share your family with someone. “No matter what happens, you’re one of us now, Cody.”
“You can’t promise that,” I whisper my fears and insecurities out into the darkness, but unlike so many nights before, where my words have been swallowed up by nothing, Luke now echoes them back to me.
“Icanpromise you that.” There’s a strange finality to his words, an edge of unlimited patience in his voice. I don’t know what to say. This guy’s generosity knows no end. His kindness knows no end. Luke shifts next to me, scooting a little closer, his scent washing over me. I suck in a breath, a fitting response still escaping me.
“Why can’t you sleep?” I ask instead.
“I was thinking about earlier,” he says quietly. “About our kiss. What it means.” Shit, this guy. He’s so honest. Always letting me know exactly what he’s thinking. I don’t have to guess. He just tells me as easily as that. “What happened to just being friends?” There’s an edge of vulnerability in his voice, and I think he notices, too, because he squeezes my fingers tightly between his. His honesty makes me feel like being bold, too.
“I… I have a lot of stupid rules that I’ve set up for myself,” I start. “I think it started out as a way of navigating my mother’s world after my dad left. Like that word your dad used at dinner. Causality.” Luke nods next to me and I go on. “You know, if I just did things a certain way, then she’d get off my back. Or at least, she wouldn’t nag as much.” It’s true. I have so many rules inside my head and if I break them or if shit happens that is beyond my control, I often end up having a panic attack. “It’s the same with you. With us. I thought I could just fit us into a rule and then I’d be able to put a lid on how I feel about you. But it’s stupid.”
Next to me, Luke remains quiet, like he knows that this has been bottling up inside me for a long time and that I need to get it off my chest.
“Rules that are there to guard your feelings are good enough in theory until they’re not, I guess.” I exhale deeply, bracing myself for the next part. “But I never expected someone like you to come along. Someone who’s just so…” I pause, unsure how to put into words how he’s changed everything.
“So what?” he whispers.
“So sure of himself and his place in the world. You… you shot everything to smithereens, Luke. All my rules. All my fears.” I feel anger building inside and I know it’s time to let it out before it eventually consumes me entirely and turns into bitterness. “I’m tired of always expecting the worst. Of always waiting for catastrophe to strike.” Luke reaches out and brushes his hand through my hair and it’s such a simple yet powerful gesture that I want to cry. “Especially since I’ve got something really good in front of me,” I admit. “I’m not… I’m not gonna let all my doubts and concerns stand in the way of what I want anymore.”
“Whatdoyou want?” he murmurs, his hand stilling in my hair. It’s like time stands still, too, just waiting for me to speak the next part. Like the whole world is waiting to hear my truth. My new truth.
“I want you, Luke. I want you so much. I want to kiss you. Hold you. Sleep next to you.” Tears press behind my eyelids as the words spill from my lips.
“I want that too. I’ve wanted that for ages.” As soon as I hear the relief in his voice, I know that I’ve made the right decision.
“You haven’t known me for ages,” I chuckle, tears falling freely down my face now.
“Then why does it feel like I have?” he says, his voice tinged with emotion too.
“I don’t know.”
