“How—” I blurt.
“I saw your cute little fox,” he chuckles. “The colors.”
“Oh.”
“So… that means you don’t have sex, right?” His eyes coast up my chest, landing on my mouth.
“Yeah. It does,” I admit.
“Not any kind or just, you know… Shit, I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that.” The blush increases, now a bright scarlet, like tulips in full bloom.
“Not any kind.” My fingers tingle, and soon after, the familiar ringing sound is in my head. In a minute, I’ll get tunnel vision too. I just know it, my anxiety building.
“Hmmm.”
“What?” I ask, perhaps a tad more defensively than I intended, but fear brings that out in me. The need to be on guard. It’s strange how much Luke’s opinion matters to me.
“Nothing. I just… I always wondered about that,” he exhales.
“About what?”
“You know, how some people don’t have sex. I mean, not that it’s been that hard for me not having any,” he blabbers as he fidgets with the string, twirling it around his index finger. The last part leaves me stunned, unsure if I’ve understood him correctly.
“You’ve never had sex?”
“No. I mean, I’ve tried stuff, but I’ve never hadsex-sex. What about you?”
“Sex? Yeah, I tried it a few times. Not for me, though.” We’re lying so close to each other, our sides touching. I can smell his body wash, the delicate scent of something flowery yet fresh. When he moves his head, his hair brushes against my cheek, my skin awakening, goosebumps trailing down my neck.
“Huh,” Luke breathes, his warm breath hitting my chin.
“What?”
“Nothing. It’s just… how did you know? I mean, that you didn’t like it in general, or it wasn’t just bad sex? That the other person just wasn’t right for you?” It’s a legit question; something I used to ask myself repeatedly until I realized it has nothing to do with that other person but everything to do with me. It doesn’t matter if they are good or bad at sex, if there’s even such a thing. They could have sexual superpowers, and it wouldn’t make a difference. It’s something deep within me. I was born this wayand the moment I acknowledged that instead of looking for a reason or a cure, I felt this weight lifting. I was set free.
“At first, I didn’t know. I think it was how it made me feel afterward. Like I’d done something that went against everything that I am. I just felt it inside, you know? This feeling of having crossed an invisible line. Like, no matter how much I told myself that sex is something you should want to have, I just knew that doing it again would mean betraying myself. My true self.” I inhale a deep breath, unsure if I’m making sense at all. Luke moves next to me, adjusting his position, resting his head in his hand, looking straight at me.
“Your true self… Yeah, I get that. It makes sense. So, it’s not about the other person, right? Whether they’re right or wrong for you. It’s aboutyou, right?” The more time I spend with Luke, the more he continues to blow me away. It’s like hewantsto understand me no matter what. Perhaps it has to do with how he was brought up—to meet other people with acceptance and empathy. Or perhaps it’s his personality—the core of him deep inside. In any case, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he makes me feel accepted and okay the way I am. Like, his friendshipdoesn’tcome with terms or conditions, just like I’ve always felt that my mother’s affectionsdo.
“Yeah,” I whisper, my voice suddenly hoarse. “That… That’s it. It’s about whetherIfeel right or wrong. And being ace… It just feels right. Like being gay feels right, you know?”
“Yeah, I know.” He reaches for my hand, tangling his fingers through mine, almost as if he knows that, at that moment, I need it more than anything. The physical reassurance that it’s okay. ThatI’mokay.
“So… how comeyou’venever had sex?” I ask, my thumb brushing across Luke’s knuckles.
“I just… I never felt like it, to be honest. Just stopped after a few random hookups. Never really did anything for me. Focusedall my time on hockey instead, you know. Never really felt like I was missing out. Still don’t feel like I am,” he chuckles.
“Well, maybe you aren’t,” I murmur.
It’s getting chilly, and I’ve lost track of time. I have no idea how long we’ve been up on the rooftop terrace. Time seems fluid when I’m with Luke, like the other night when we binge-watchedHeartstopperand fell asleep in his hotel bed, me halfway on top of him.
Eventually, Luke stirs next to me.
“So… do ace people kiss?” he whispers, his lips so close to mine, his eyelashes fluttering. He’s so pretty. Handsome even. One of the most good-looking guys I’ve ever met.
“Yeah, some do, and some don’t. It’s very individual,” I reply, swallowing, suddenly feeling like the entire universe is standing still, just waiting for what’s going to happen next.
“Doyoukiss?”
