“I’m glad we did. Nobody should have to go through that experience alone,” Dom says.
There is that word again…Alone!The worst life sentence you can give a human soul.
“Did something trigger the attack?” Dom asks softly.
I shake my head no before giving in. I nod my head up and down, tears falling.Pathetic!The internal struggle is ripping me apart from the inside out. Real physical pain wrenching through.
Dom must see my struggle. “My mom has panic attacks,” he says, and I look up, seeing sadness etched in his eyes. “Some can be pretty bad. It can take her days to recover. She’ll sleep a lot. It’s physically and mentally taxing on her.”
“What happened to her?” I ask.
“My father!” he says with quiet venom behind his tone.
Maybe he is someone who will finally understand. This will never go away. It will live somewhere inside me forever. There is no cure… I’m tired.
“Spencer… He ah… saw my painting of Jacqueline last night.” I forcefully pull in air around the tightness in my chest.
“I told him… I told him everything! About growing up, about my mom, about that night.” My head falls along with the tears.Fuck!“I told him about Jacqueline.”
“That's a good thing!” Jaxon says, not understanding the issue.
“Yeah, I thought so too. He was sweet and kind. I believed him when he stood up for me. I believed him up until I was walking by the window and saw him wrapped in the arms of another man!” I was such a fool to think that this was something different. Something I could have.
“Wait! What? Are you sure that is what you saw?” Jaxon asks.
“Umm, I’m pretty sure. The guy had an arm wrapped around him and another on his cheek, staring dreamily into his eyes.” I squeeze mine shut, begging the image to go away.
“That does not sound like Spencer at all. Look, I have known him for a long time. He is agoodperson. I think deep down you know that. Plus, I saw the way he looked at you at the bar the other night. And this morning, he had a genuine smile on his face for the first time in forever. Spencer is not the type of person to mess around. He is just not built that way.”
“I don’t doubt what you saw,” Dom says. “I believe you saw a man holding Spencer, but I think your mind went straight to the self doubt before it had a chance to ask why. All of your doubt and hurt is sitting on the surface after opening all those wounds up for him to see.”
That is exactly what it feels like. “My mom’s voice echoes inside my head, always reminding me I’m not good enough, that my punishment is to die alone, just like Jacqueline. It’s like… I know in myheartthat I did everything I could to protect her, but in my head I still failed her.”
“Don’t stop fighting her voice, Finn. She is wrong, and you are going to have to fight every day to keep that at the surface. I promise you, you are going to make it out the other side. And if you stop andreallylook; I mean,reallylook, you might just notice someone standing by your side.” Jaxon wraps his arms around me. “You can have this.”
Dom squeezes my shoulder. “If you ever need anyone to talk to about the panic attacks, I’m here. You might even have a little PTSD. But whatever it is I umm, I know someone if you ever want to talk to someone who can help.”
I give Dom a hug. “Thanks, I might take you up on that.”
“Let's go get some food and then we can go back and draw on people,” Jaxon sighs. “That always seems to make me feel better.”
Dom and I both laugh. “Yeah, that sounds good.”
* * *
Getting back to work is just what I needed. The hum of the needle soothes me more than I’ve ever realized it does. Focusing on the intricate details of the galaxy I’m currently tattooing on my client, Theodore, helps too. He is an astronomy major at the college. And from the looks of it, he could pass out at any moment. His friends are all huddled around him, giving him encouraging words. It’s actually kinda sweet, although one of them is also starting to look a little green under the gills. I set a bucket between them earlier. Trust me, this is not my first rodeo.
Concentrating on the swirl of the galaxy and the loud buzzing, I think about the opening sequence of Doctor Who and the Tardis swirling through time and space. Being curled up on the couch, Spencer tucked in my arms watching Doctor Who, was the first time a calmness settled in me and made me feel like I could stop running.
I need to talk to Spencer. I owe him the opportunity to explain. There has to be a reason Hotty McHotterson had his hands all over him. The events of the day have left me exhausted, just like Dom said would happen. It’s been a while since I’ve had one this bad. They mostly stay in my dreams.
I finish up with Theodore; he and his friends all ooh and ahh over the finished product.These dudes crack me up!
Jaxon pops his head in as I’m wiping everything down. I know he is coming in to check on me.
“That galaxy turned out super cool!”
“Yeah? Thanks, I think so too.”
