Well, fuck!
Walking into my own studio room, I feel a sense of pride. I was focused on getting out, finding a place to live, and a steady job. I did not realize I was also searching for something to belong to, a community to be a part of. Still feeling pretty raw after the emotions of last night, I struggle to keep the ache in my chest at bay.
I should go through my collection upstairs and bring a few of my pieces down to hang on the wall. Walking around the rest of the room, I make a list of things I need and supplies I need to restock when Mira pops her head in.
“You all set? Your first appointment just showed up. I sent you the file of what they want done.”
“Perfect, I’ll be out in a min to grab them.”
I pull up the client’s file on the tablet. When I say that Jaxon’s shop is legit, I mean legit. The machines and processes are all top of the line. The tablets are a great idea. It’s an efficient way to transfer information. Each room has its own that we can log into and get the details about our appointments. After getting the information I need, I head out to grab my first client of the day. Excitement grips me.
* * *
“I’m going to head off for lunch and get the spare key made.” I tell Jaxon when I pop my head into his workspace.
“Sounds good! How did it go this morning?” he asks.
“It went well. Both clients seemed happy with the finished product. One is even scheduling another appointment to start on a sleeve.”
“Hey, that’s great! Keep em coming back!”
I walk out of Ink Me with my confidence high, and a hot little bookstore owner on my mind. My thoughts go to his meeting with the contractor. I can’t believe that he bought the building next door. That takes guts. For Spencer, even living as his true self takes guts. I can’t help but admire him for it.
I walk past the bookstore, making a note that I should stop on my way back and see how everything went. When I catch movement out of the corner of my eye in the new building, I turn my head. My steps falter and my heart plummets.
There, in the arms of another man, is Spencer. My vision goes hazy and my chest tightens.I can’t breathe.My eyes are glued to the other man's hand, which has a grip on Spencer’s upper arm and the other on his neck looking deep into his eyes.What the fuck!This can’t be happening. I finally get my legs to move and I walk across the street, fighting the urge to look back.
I walk past my intended destination, the hardware store, and into the little Town Square Park to find a place to sit before I fall to pieces. I fall to the ground under a giant oak tree. I cradle my knees, and rest my head between, trying to get control over my breathing.
I told him everything. I bared my soul to him. I let him into the deep secrets that plague my life. It was too much! He saw the truth.
I wanted to believe we had something. I must have missed the signs somehow. I’m such a fool. She was right. She will always be right!
“You don’t deserve shit, you worthless fuck!” My mother’s voice rings through my head.No, no no no!“She is dead because of you! You! It’s all your fault, you selfish asshole. You’re gonna die alone, just like she did!” I need the words to stop. Please stop! I can’t take it anymore.
“Shhh, Finn, it’s okay… Just breathe through it.”
I feel myself being flanked by two bodies on each side, the murmur of familiar voices and the feel of a hand circling my back.
“Slow breaths! Focus on my voice. It’s not real. I’m real. The feel of Dom’s hand on you is real. The ground you are sitting on is real.” The sound of Jaxon’s voice pushes through my muddled brain, helping to clear the fog.
I feel my breathing start to steady and my vision clear. I can’t look at them, so I just tuck my head tighter between my legs. Why are they here? How did he know? After a few minutes I finally get the courage to lift my head. I see Jaxon, eyebrows scrunched with a look of concern on his face.
“I’m okay,” I say, wiping the tears off my face. As the embarrassment coils through me, my heart sinks further into the abyss.
“Were you having another nightmare?” Jaxon asks.
I look at Dom and then back at Jaxon. “Umm, yeah, I guess you could call it something like that.” I start to get up, but Dom captures my arm.
“Just sit for a few minutes, okay?” he squeezes my shoulder. “We are not in any hurry and it’s actually beautiful out.”
We are all quiet for a while. The only sound is the wind through the trees and the occasional chirp of some birds. I know I need to say something. I can’t bear the weight anymore, but what choice do I have? I just spilled everything to a man I thought I trusted. Maybe I can’t trust my own judgment, maybe this whole thing was a mistake. Coming here, thinking I can escape the life I deserve.
I don’t think it really matters anymore. This life will never leave me. Whether I tell them or don’t tell them, it will never change the outcome I was destined for. So I deflect.
“How did you find me?” I ask.
“I forgot I needed to pick up a few things. By the time I remembered, you had already left. It’s nice out, so Dom and I figured we would meet you at the hardware store and maybe grab lunch.”
