I shrug. Lana takes a lot of photos, and I had to take a lot of photos of her. She edits them, but she never mentions when she posts something. I pull up her personal account and scroll through. Wait, there are no photos of me at all. What are you talking about?
Ethan rolls his eyes. Duh. Okay, five-year-old Mats, here’s what happened: Lana made you into the Perfect Internet Boyfriend and everyone wished they could go out with you. Then, one day, poof—all the photos are gone. Which means you guys have broken up, and now it’s open season on Roy Matsumoto. Women start DMing you, but clueless Mats never sees any of the messages, so they start escalating to Stage Two: meetups IRL.
I wince when he says IRL out loud. But all this is kind of mind-blowing. Lana saw me as an ideal? She seemed constantly disappointed by my failure to remember things like the one-month anniversary of our first date or her favourite dessert. She was always complaining about my lack of small talk. And, at the end, she said I was too much work.
Then it hits me. Maybe I haven’t seen all her photos, but I was there for the photoshoots. Gym workouts where she encouraged me to sweat more. Expensive dinner dates. Candid photos of me reading or watching sad movies. Even intimate selfies of us, which I never dreamed she’d post. Now, I have to question exactly what was real.
And Lana always told me not to smile for photos. You look hotter like that, she’d said. That must have been her way of getting around my biggest flaw—according to her—that I was too quiet and serious. She made me into some kind of Byronic hero to impress… who? Her friends? Her followers? Strangers on campus?
And now women think I’m a miserable bastard, wandering the fucking moors of St. Viola pining for love lost. No wonder Petra sounded so pitying.
I groan. I am so far from the perfect boyfriend. Women who believe this will only be disappointed. Let’s not encourage any more of this bullshit.
This is like an alternate reality. Does everyone know about this? Sinc asks.
Everyone except you social media Luddites, Swanny replies. So, we’re not letting any more members of Mats’s fan club into the house, then?
Please don’t. I feel a little nauseous at all this attention. It’s not flattering at all, since no one actually knows the real me. What am I going to do about all these messages?
Ethan snorts. What you need is a new girlfriend to scare them off.
No way. Now that I know how dangerous dating at Monarch can be, I feel like swearing off women until graduation.
The guys laugh. They think I’m kidding, but I’m not. I have goals around hockey and my future, and I intend to achieve them. Zee’s policy of no long-term relationships is starting to make sense. He never has to go through shit like this.
Do you think Lana would do a promo campaign for me? Bergy wonders. And Mats, if you’re not going to date these women, could you pass my info on?
5
RUNNING ON EMPTY
CLEO
I WAKE UP LATE ON SUNDAY MORNING AND STRETCH. THEN I GRAB MY PHONE FOR MY WAKE-UP scrolling. My brother’s latest post is from a house party in Hillsboro. Our hometown is so small that I recognize the house just by the ugly wallpaper. Well, if he was partying until late, he must still be asleep. I decide it’s a good time to pounce.
Rooow? Jordan mutters into the phone.
Good morning, Sunshine, I coo.
Clee? Why the fuck are you calling me so early?
It’s actually 11:00, so practically the afternoon. I’m exaggerating by half an hour, but he’s not awake enough to know.
He groans loudly, then gives up and makes nice. Did you have a game last night?
Yeah, we played Essex College. We lost, though. Fuck. I hate losing.
Didja score? he asks.
Nope. We got shut out.
But you’re still the points leader, right?
Yeah. Thanks for all your support. Jordan has been bragging on socials that I’m the leading scorer on my team. It’s adorable, and even more so because he’s not playing right now, so hockey isn’t exactly his favourite subject. Look, I have something I need to discuss with you.
He yawns. Okay, shoot.
Can you tell me exactly what happened when Roy Matsumoto got you kicked off the team?
