I suck in a breath and push forward. “But then …”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, just spit it out already!” Anna says.
“Lucas messaged me.”
The silence is heavy.
I wait, expecting one of them to say something, anything, but they just stare at me, stunned. Finally, Gemma gently places her hand on my thigh. “What did he say?”
“It said ‘Can we talk?’”
“That’s it?” Anna asks, frowning.
“Yup,” I reply, popping thep.
“Did you reply?” Gemma asks. I shake my head. I’m so,sohappy about what happened with James, but Lucas reaching out has me torn. I can’t determine how I feel. I’m so frustrated. The whole situation is fucked.
“Oh, honey,” Gemma says, rubbing my thigh gently.
“James and I had an unforgettable evening. It was everything I’d hoped it would be. But then, I woke up to a text from Lucas,and suddenly I felt … Guilty? Angry? A bit of both? I can’t quite pinpoint it. James had been so kind, so considerate, and I froze. Panic took over. I shut myself off. I didn’t know how to react, so I pushed him away, and before I could stop myself, I bolted,” I say.
“I’m sure he’ll understand you were just overwhelmed,” Anna says.
“I told him it was a mistake,” I whisper, as my lip starts to tremble. I feel so terrible. I quickly catch a stray tear with the sleeve of my jumper, wiping it away. “Why did Lucas have to ruin everything?”
Gemma moves closer, wrapping her arms around me while Anna rubs my back in soothing circles.
“He ignored me and walked away like I never existed. Like he neverlovedme. I’m so mad at him. So why do I feel guilty? It’s not fair.”
“You feel guilty because it’s not just about sex with James,” Anna says. “It’s not some meaningless hookup. You have real feelings for him, and that’s where the guilt is coming from. You care, and that makes this messy and complicated. You’re kind, maybe eventookind sometimes, and that’s why it’s weighing on you.” She pauses for a moment, making sure I’m still with her. “But listen, it’s okay to feel conflicted. You’re not a robot—you can’t just switch off your emotions. You didn’t sleep with James to get back at Lucas or to prove a point. You did it because youlikehim. Because there’s something between you two that you couldn’t ignore. And that’s fine. Lucas doesn’t get to have power over that.” She continues, her voice a little firmer now. “You’re human, and humans don’t choose who they fall for or when. You deserve to be with someone who cares about you, who treats you right. You’re allowed to find happiness with someone who values you—without Lucas looming over your decision.”
I know she’s right. I agree with everything she’s saying, but the guilt is suffocating.
Yes, I have every right to move on, but does that right extend to James?
Is it different because he’s Lucas’s brother?
I’m terrified that pursuing James makes me just as bad as Lucas. Isn’t sleeping with your ex’s brother just as much of a betrayal?
Isn’t it just as cruel?
Are the two comparable?
Lucas was having emotional affairs, but I actually slept with James.
Dick in vagina.
This is physical, tangible.
“But he’s his brother … Doesn’t that make me just as bad?”
Anna shakes her head. “No, it doesn’t. Lucas made a promise and lied, deceived you, and hurt you repeatedly. You haven’t done that. You aren’t playing some twisted game. This isn’t about getting attention, and what you have with James isn’t about Lucas. This happened naturally, after all the damage Lucas left behind. You shouldn’t feel guilty for finding something amidst the wreckage he caused. The only person Lucas ever considered in his actions was himself. Quit thinking about everyone else—you need to think aboutyounow.”
Gemma nods, and I shift my gaze to her, her eyes meeting mine with intensity. “I’m gonna be real with you right now,” she begins. “Fuck Lucas. He didn’t think twice about how his actions would make you feel, and even if he did, he clearly didn’t give a shit. Why should his opinion dictate how you live your life? It’s none of his damn business. Why should he hold any part of you hostage?”
She grips my hand, giving it a squeeze. “This guilt isn’t yours to carry. It belongs to Lucas.He’sthe one who should be ashamed for what he did, not you. You don’t owe him anything. You deserve to make your own choices without worrying aboutwhathethinks. Don’t let him hold that kind of power over you anymore.”
My eyes dart between Anna and Gemma. Slowly, I nod. Perhaps they’re right. I can’t keep carrying the weight of someone who never bothered to consider my feelings. I’m not responsible for Lucas anymore.
