It’s another thing not worth getting into the drama of, not when I’m in no mood to be talking about it. I give her a semi-truth. “Nothing crazy, just a few texts and voicemails, but I haven’t been answering them. It’s not worth my time.”
She hums in thought but keeps her opinion to herself, opting to wish me good night instead. “Well, that’s good that he isn’t bothering you. Men that would do that to you aren’t worthit—and they’re hardly even men, they’re just boys. But never mind him. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom.” I grip my phone a little tighter, my eyes getting hot with the oncoming rush of tears. Thinking about everything that’s happened and all the emotional confusion I’ve been feeling lately, plus on top of that being five thousand miles and an entire ocean away from home, I’ve never felt so much like a little girl needing her mom the way I do right now.
She must sense my hesitation to end the call, because she speaks again, carefully this time. “You had a good day with Tyler today, did you not?”
“I did.”The best.
“He even convinced you to break out of your shell a little bit and try new things?”
“He did.”And I loved every single one.
Mom’s voice is soft through the receiver, getting heavier with sleep. “You have to follow your heart, pea. It’s the only way you’re ever going to be happy.”
Like that’s ever made you happy more than temporarily?“I know how to listen to my heart, Mom. I’m telling you, it’s not saying anything of value.”
Another yawn. “Well, as long as you’re sure, Ollie.”
“I am sure.” I force myself to say it with more conviction than I feel. And then I tell my mother good night and get ready for bed, shutting the lights and crawling under the covers, getting accustomed to a guest room in the house of the boy who feels like anything but a stranger to me.
But that’s when I hear the voices, stirring my curiosity.
The first voice I hear is Tyler’s, which is interesting since weboth went to bed half an hour ago, wanting to be well-rested before having to get up early in the morning to eat breakfast with Ella and Mele before I head to the airport. I quietly sneak out of the room and tiptoe down the hall, following the sound of his voice, until I peer around the doorway and see him slumped at the kitchen table with his brother. They look like they’re having some sort of manly conference that intuition tells me I definitely shouldn’t disturb.
“I don’t know what to do, man,” Tyler sighs, looking lost. He traces his fingertip around the place mat in front of him, and I know him well enough to tell that he’s mentally laying out his options. Lucas sits across from him sipping a beer, clearly lost in his own train of thought. It’s been so long since I’ve seen them together like this, so long since Tyler’s had a conversation like this with Lucas, that it’s fascinating to observe.
“What are your options, Ty?” Lucas asks his brother, staring at him long and hard. “She said she didn’t want a relationship. That you two aren’t compatible. There isn’t really much room for negotiation there.” Okay, so clearly Tyler spilled everything to his brother and now I’m being a weird Peeping Tom on an advice session that seems to have something to do with me. My cheeks immediately flame with embarrassment in the dark hallway.
“Getting back together isn’t an option.” Tyler groans and puts his head in his hands, shaking it for a few seconds. “I know that. She doesn’t want us to be together, no matter how muchImay want it. I think the thing I’m struggling with is whether to stay friends after she gets on that plane.” And even though he’s putting a voice to a personal fear that’s been rattling me since that conversation on the trail, hearing it out loud feels new and fresh and even scarier.
It feels like I just got Tyler back in my life—but does it really only have to be for a few more hours?
There’s one second of silence while Lucas swallows another sip of his beer, looking thoughtful. After a minute, he clears his throat and lobs one careful question at his brother. “Do you still love her?”
Tyler doesn’t even hesitate with his answer, shrugging helplessly. “I never stopped loving her, Lucas. I love her as much now as I did when we were younger, if not more. I even tried to take that stupid online accounting course that you helped me with last year, but even your genius skills couldn’t keep me from flunking. It’s not going to work.” His words hit me like a snowball aimed right at my chest, a shock of cold followed by a dull warmth in the muscles from the impact.He never stopped loving me. And he tried to change. He tried to win me back.
He even took a damn accounting course for me. Lastyear.Which is exactly the type of selfless thing that Tyler would do, and Jack never would. The revelation stops me cold, and it feels like every cell in my body is hanging on the precipice of the China Walls cliffs, waiting for my next move.
And they’re going to have to wait a whole lot longer, because I’m not even sure of the answer myself.
Did I ever stop loving Tyler? Maybe a few days ago I’d say yes, but I don’t really think that’s the case now. Not that I’d know—the past day has been such an emotional whirlwind that it feels a little difficult to tell up from down right about now.
A chair creaking breaks me out of my thoughts and I look at the brothers, where Lucas is leaning his chair back on two legs in the same way their mother used to scold them for whenever I was over for dinner. “Love is a big factor here, for sure.But it isn’t theonlyfactor. That’s not something you can really ignore.”
“She doesn’t think I’m good enough. There’s a reason she doesn’t think we’re compatible, and I’m pretty sure that’s it.” The glumness in Tyler’s voice hits me so hard that my knees nearly buckle.
Lucas sighs. “That’s not true. She doesn’t think you’re mature or stable enough. That’s not the same thing.”
“But don’t opposites attract?” There’s a hope in Tyler’s voice that makes my own heart feel a little sad. “You and Ella aren’t the same person at all, and look at your marriage. Your family. Your life.” He sweeps his hand around the kitchen to indicate everything Lucas has that he wants. Everything I want more than anything else in the whole world.Love. Safety. Security. A family. A steady job.
Lucas chews on this for a moment before presenting his answer. “I guess you have to decide if your differences are something that brings out the best in each other, or something that brings out the worst. I think that’s why some people who are majorly different survive in their relationships and others don’t.”
“But what if I make the changes she wants from me? I can try again. I can think of something better this time.” Tyler’s practically pleading now, fingers tracing fast routes on the place mats and begging his brother for the easy answer that nobody has. “She says she doesn’t want me to change for her, but maybe that’s what we need to be together. Maybe if I take a different class, or find an online tutor—”
At least on this Lucas and I seem to agree, because he sighs again. “You know that isn’t the right answer, Ty. Iknowyou know that. You may be eager, but you’re certainly not dumb.”
“You’re right,” he grumbles in defeat. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to stomach only being friends with her, even if it’s just for a few more months before we graduate and go off on our own. But I also don’t know if I can go back to existing like I did when she wasn’t a part of my life.”
