Just like it’s not easy for Tyler to suddenly shift his entire personality to be more responsible and future-oriented, how am I supposed to let go of the constant fear clawing at my throat of ending up alone? Of sitting on the same couch with my mother for the rest of my life, wallowing in our loneliness, getting our hopes up only to be let down again and again and again? It’s a future so bleak that no fiber of my being thinks taking a chance on love is worth it. Not with someone whose philosophy on life is the total opposite of mine.
We were destined to fail from the beginning—but our hearts refuse to get the message.
Tyler’s eyes are swimming in pain as he drops his hand from my waist and steps back, stung. “Why does it feel like we’re doing this all over again?”
And he’s right, I know he is. We’re back in that hallway, two people with feelings for each other that can’t surmount the circumstances surrounding them. Butshit,I severely underestimated how badly it would hurt the second time around. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry.” And this is exactly why I wanted to continue the hike. To escape any chance of having to feel this brokenhearted misery again, and to know that it’s all my fault for setting it into motion.
Tyler shakes his head and runs his hand through his hair, thinking. After a second, he sighs in defeat and looks back up at me, eyes still hurting but a new determination shining in them. “Listen. It’s no secret that I still want to be with you, but…I respect your decision.” The words are like shards of glass piercing his mouth as he says them. “I lost you once, and I’m not going to lose you again. I’d rather have you here as my friend than not have you here at all.”
It doesn’t quite sound like he believes it.
“Thank you.” My voice is as shaky as my legs and heart feel, but I force myself to take my own step back and gather my thoughts. A few seconds pass with nothing but the sound of the wind whipping down the hills and my heart slowing to a semi-normal rhythm. Tyler stands there for another second, visibly collecting himself, before the light slightly returns to his eyes and he slides his backpack strap up higher on his shoulder.
“Ready to head back?” His voice is chipper again, if a littlehoarse, but my heart floods with gratitude at his effort to keep things comfortable. Which is why I find myself straightening my back and doing the same.
And I smile at that, even though I know it doesn’t quite reach my eyes. “Sounds good. Let’s do it.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
By the time we get back to the house after our adventure day, I’m exhausted, sweaty, mildly sunburned, and emotionally wrung out.
Ella makes a face as we come through the kitchen and she sets plates of shredded pork and mini slider buns on the table. “Looks like you two had a long day.”
Tyler laughs good-naturedly, but I seem like the only one who’s able to notice the lack of warmth in his tone. “That doesn’t even begin to cover it, El.”
Lucas comes around the bend to join us in the kitchen, Mele squealing happily on his hip and reaching out her chubby fists as soon as she catches sight of her uncle. Even with the exhaustion lining his features, Tyler beams at her and takes her from his brother, immediately peppering her with kisses.
“What a perfect girl,” he coos against her cheeks as he blows raspberries on them. “How was your day, Mele?”
“Certainly not as eventful as yours,” Ella murmurs as she glances between the two of us. “You guys look like you were stuck in a blender for an hour and then spit back out.”
“Just a long day,” I reply, glossing over the emotional turmoilof the last hour and instead recapping our loco moco, cliff-diving, and hiking adventures. Ella and Lucas soak it all in, offering commentary here and there—with Lucas giving Tyler a playful smack upside the head when we start talking about our adventure at China Walls, telling him that it was a boneheaded thing to do again after almost breaking his leg last time, which was conveniently left out of the narrative when we were there. The whole time we’re talking, Tyler and I carefully avoid looking at each other, the awkwardness still radiating between us. Luckily, Lucas and Ella don’t seem to notice.
“Sounds like you two had a good day after all.” Ella smiles when we finish dinner, rocking Mele to sleep on her lap. “Are you all packed for your flight tomorrow?”
I expected to feel more relieved to be heading home, being able to process my heartbreak in my own bed and next to Mom on the couch. So I’m definitely taken by surprise when I feel a sharp sting of sadness in the center of my chest.
“Almost,” I finally answer, my throat feeling rough and scratchy with emotion. “I’m glad that I got to spend at least one awesome day here, though.” My eyes meet Tyler’s across the table, and he gives me a weak smile, the hurt still simmering behind his eyes with an intensity that makes my stomach wrench with guilt.
But if I needed any reminder of why I made the decision I did, I get it when I call Mom later that night, freshly showered and nestled in bed in the guest room, finishing packing up my suitcase and getting ready for tomorrow’s flight home. My mother is chatting happily on the other line as she sits in her own bed with her mug of tea, making time for our conversation even though it’s well past 4:00a.m. at home again. I have my planner openin my lap, jotting down our plans for pickup tomorrow. As I’m writing, I can’t help but think about how I didn’t have it on me all day and I managed to survive just fine—thrive, even, until the disastrous end to our great day.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow at the airport,” she promises. “And then I can tell you all about this guy I went on a date with tonight. His name is Connor, and he’s a total doll.”
My heart sinks at the mention of her next love interest. “New guy?” I ask weakly, trying to sound excited.Already?is what I don’t add.
But Mom continues the conversation, totally unfazed. “Well, nothing’s set in stone yet, but we ran into each other at the grocery store last week and went on two dates already, and he’s so charming and sweet. You’re going to love him, pea. He’s way sweeter than Neil ever was. You seemed so preoccupied with packing and getting ready to see Jack that I thought I’d wait for a good time to tell you, you know? And now that I know things are going to work out between us, it couldn’t be better.”
“I’ll bet.”This is exactly the same thing you’ve said about every guy who came before him. Someone’s always better than the one who broke your heart.“Does he make you happy?”
She stops and takes a slurp of her tea before sighing dreamily, and I can picture her sitting up in bed, pulling the blanket up to her chest with her tea-free hand and swooning. “He makes me very happy. I’m excited to see where it goes.”
I pick at a loose thread on the guest room comforter, trying not to let my emotions get the better of me. She’s always excited to see how things go with a guy, and sometimes they do go great for a while, until the honeymoon phase ends and shit gets realand she’s left curled up on the couch, broken and being consoled by her teenage daughter. It’s a tale as old as time—not that it ever stops her. “I’m happy for you, Mom. I hope it goes well.”
“Thank you, pea.” There’s some rustling as she sets her mug on the nightstand and shifts her covers, yawning and clearly ready for bed. “How did things go with Tyler today? Any developments there? I saw your selfie from your hike—it looked like you two were back to being thick as thieves, hmm?” There’s an excited edge to her voice, the hopeless romantic in her dying to be let out.
It’s moments like these that I wish I wasn’t an only child, so I wasn’t the sole focus of my mother’s attention. I opt for the lie anyway, both because it’s less awkward and because I’m tired and not in the mood to discuss my lack of love life or what happened on the hiking trail today. “It was fine. We saw the dormant volcano on the island. Went to lunch and to see the ocean. Typical touristy stuff.”With a side of failed professions of love, no big deal.I’m also smart enough to leave out the China Walls excursion from my story, lest I want to get an earful. “I’m excited to come home and see you tomorrow, though.”
“Me too, sweetheart.” She pauses, hesitating with what she’s about to say. “Any word from Jack today?”
