Second, my ex-boyfriend, who also still had a year to go, was there.
I had been sitting in the bleachers with Jack’s parents and his sister Isabelle, the hot metal scalding the backs of my thighs in the ruthless June sun. No amount of fanning yourself with a program leaflet would save you from the agony. Even Jack’s mother, Missy, who normally looked like a porcelain doll right out of the box, had a dewy sheen on her upper lip. Isabelle sniffed loudly, her expression unreadable under the brim of her floppy white sun hat.
I saw a flash of Delia’s hair—now eye-wateringly orange—first, followed by Tyler and a couple of their other friends alltrailing after one another as they snaked through the crowd in the bleachers to find an open spot. I had no idea who they were here to see, but it looked like Tyler’s friend group had acquired some new people in the last few months, so it could’ve been anyone. All I knew for sure was that they weren’t there for Jack.
Throughout the entire ceremony, their group was all I could focus on. While the principal droned on, I stared at the pack of Skittles that Delia and Tyler were splitting between them. While the valedictorian gave their speech, I zeroed in on how the sun glinted off Ty’s dark hair. And when everyone—including Jack—tossed up their caps in celebration out on the field, I didn’t even see it. My eyes were open but my brain was lost, unable to stop thinking about the group of friends I’d managed to lose. The ones who made me feel like a puzzle piece that fit, not one that was fighting to be crammed into a picture that it sometimes felt like it didn’t belong in.
But it didn’t really matter, because my old group obviously didn’t need me anymore. And it’s not like I tried to stay in touch with them, either. I was no longer welcome among them.
By the time the ceremony ended and we were weaving through the crowds to get down to Jack, my brain was hopelessly lost in a spiral. It was supposed to be a good day, but all I could focus on was the negative, and it was so freakinghot.I was melty and cranky. The air smelled like sweat and hot dogs from the concession stand and a million different perfumes all mingling in the worst way, and I just wanted to go home.
We eventually found Jack, and I peppered him withcongratulatory kisses, trying to force myself back into the moment. We all took photos, and I said hi to some of his friends, who regarded me with lukewarm acceptance, as usual.
“So,” I’d said to Jack once we broke off from his group of friends. “Where do you want to go out to eat to celebrate? My treat. Maybe that new steak house that opened by the highway?” I’d probably have to dip into a decent chunk of my savings to cover it, but you only graduate high school once, and I was determined to make it important.
Jack, however, had no such qualms about making the celebration special. Instead, he chewed on his bottom lip as his eyes drifted over to his friends, standing a few feet away and eyeing us curiously. “Actually, Olive, uh…I think the guys and I were going to go out to the diner. It’s kind of been our post-graduation plans for a while.”
“Oh,” I’d replied, fighting to keep my voice bright even though it felt like a tiny piece of my heart chipped off at the dismissal. “That’s fine, I’m good with the diner. You can never go wrong with disco fries.”
The look on Jack’s face got even more pained, and his friends started growing impatient, clearly waiting on him. “Well, I think we wanted it to just be a guys’ night. No, uh, girls or flings or anything.”
My skin had prickled at being thrown into the same category asflings, especially as his girlfriend of several months, but I was determined not to let it show and ruin the night further. “My bad. Totally get it.” I took a step back, the harsh sun making my vision swim in tandem with the moisture welling up in my eyes. “Have fun with everyone!”
I expected Jack to call out after me, or give me an invite after all, but he just gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and bounded over to be with his friends.
He’s a senior, and these have been his friends for years,I tried to reason with myself as I gathered up my things, said a quick goodbye to his family, and hurried to leave.It’s just a guys’ night. It’s nothing personal.
It was when I was heading back to my car with a promise to meet up with Jack later that I bumped into Tyler and Delia again.
Or, rather, I bumped into a cranky-looking grandma who was squinting through the crowd looking for her grandson, and beyond her shoulder were Tyler and some of his friends, all clustered around a guy I didn’t recognize, clad in a cap and gown. Tyler was in the middle of clapping the guy on the back when he almost turned and looked my way, and I ducked behind one of our physics teachers to avoid him. But I hadn’t needed to, because a few seconds later, Tyler spun back around the other way and rejoined the conversation.
I have to talk to him.It was like I’d been possessed. I didn’t want Tyler back, and I was standing firm in that decision—and, I reminded myself, I was happy with Jack—but I at least had to say something. Had to apologize for the shitty way I had ended things. I knew it was the right thing to do.
Just as I went to take a step forward, it was matched by Delia, who appeared out of thin air and was now eye to eye with me. We were so close that I could see the smudges of her winged eyeliner from the hot sun.
“Don’t, Olive.” It didn’t sound like a warning—more like she was tired. I’d always been used to hearing the fight in her voice, thattrademark Delia toughness, but in that moment, she just seemed drained. Whether it was from the scorching hot sun or the fact that she had to deal with me, I didn’t know. “You’ve done enough. This is the first time in months that we were able to drag him out of his room for something other than a mandatory class.” Her gaze locked on mine for a second before she tore it away. “He’s just starting to come back to himself again after the pain you put him through. Don’t be cruel enough to make him go through it twice.”
Her words were a sharper sting across my cheek than the sunburn that was undoubtedly forming there. Tyler and his friends were still moving up ahead, not noticing me at all. Or maybe they did and were pretending they didn’t. It’s not like I didn’t deserve it.
I stood there for a second, unable to say anything in response, watching her watching me with a guarded look in her eyes before she heaved another sigh.
And then she turned on her heel and they all disappeared into the crowd, and I went home, where I could quickly crawl back into bed and sleep away the anguish of the day in the coolness of modern air-conditioning.
Which isprobablynot how one should feel on their significant other’s graduation day. Which just made the guilt worse, even if it was Jack who decided that he and his friends were going to hang out without theirflings.Without me.
You’re always with Jack,I stubbornly told myself, squeezing my eyes shut tighter and trying to let the hum of the air-conditioning lull me into the midafternoon nap I’d been craving.You’re his girlfriend, and he loves you, and he just wants to celebrate this achievement with his guy friends.You’re literally going to see each other later. He’s not choosing his friends over you.
Maybe if I repeated it to myself enough times throughout the never-ending afternoon, it would start to feel true.
That was the first time that everything felt like a charade, but it sure wasn’t the last.
Chapter Sixteen
I don’t feel the tears until I push out of the dorm building’s lobby doors, the sunlight illuminating my wet cheeks. But I don’t feel hurt—I just feel numb.
Every time I blink, I see those socked feet. The surprised look on Jack’s face. The way his mouth moved when he admitted that yes, he wants to get to know Lilly better. I’m not sure whether to laugh or scream at my cosmic joke of a life, flying thirteen hours and thousands of miles across land and sea to surprise Jack, just to end up getting dumped. And it’s not lost on me that he did a weak job of even trying to apologize, not even following me out to see where on earth I was going.
Frustrated and entirely too overwhelmed, I drag my suitcase over to the greenspace down the path, sinking into the grass against the trunk of a twisting, bending tree. For a few minutes, I don’t do anything except sit there with tears streaming down my face, letting them fall into the mossy grass while I replay the events of the past hour over and over in my head. I keep it on loop until I don’t feel it anymore, too desensitized, and then I wipe my cheeks and stare up at the branches above me, thinking.I reach into my backpack and yank out my planner, opening to this week’s spread and staring at the cheerful rainbow of stickers dotting the page, the bright ink declaring things likefinish packingandhead to airport at 4AMandflight to Hawai?i. All things that should be marks of an exciting vacation, making my stomach sour when I look at them now.
