I think back to Christmas break—when Jack was home for a few short weeks, and most of that time was spent catching up with friends and family, celebrating the holidays, and ultimately packing before going back. How our few date nights and dinners and hangouts felt more like he was ticking things off his to-do list versus actually looking forward to spending time with me. At the time, I chalked it up to busyness, that he had a lot to catch up on and a lot of people to see in the few short weeks he was home. I forced myself to be okay with it, to not overreact, to adjust and convince myself that this is what happens when someone goes away for college—their time home gets divvied up a lot more particularly and you can’t have them to yourself anymore. I convinced myself that it was normal, just part of the regular growing pains we were bound to experience in a long-distance relationship.
But I’m not so sure anymore.
He sighs and picks up my hand, threading our fingers together. I’m still pissed off enough to want to yank my hand away, but my heart jumps at the feeling of his warm skin against mine. “It reallyhasbeen busy,” he admits sheepishly, giving my palm a gentle squeeze. “So at first, when I came back for the spring semester, I really was getting swept up in it all. Starting back up after the holiday break. It was chaotic, new professors, new classes, new textbooks to track down…” He trails off and sees my expression, which I’m sure is blindingly obviousin conveying that we’re straying off the mark, so he rushes to course-correct.
“So it was getting really busy, particularly this calculus class, which has been a killer. And then I met Lilly in the class, and she’s so skilled with this stuff, so we started studying together. And really, Olive, with the time difference between us, and the distance, and everything that’s been going on, I just…” He takes a deep breath and my stomach tightens and I steel myself for the inevitable. “I thought it was best if I gave myself a little space from everything at home for a while, to focus on all of the craziness here.”
Several things hit me in that moment.
One: Jack needed space from home.
Two: Jack needed space fromme.
Three: Jack saw every message I sent and actively chose to ignore them.
Four: Jack is gravitating toward a woman who is a better fit for him.
“Oh my god.” I can feel the pain inside settling on my chest, thick and heavy and hard. “You just promised that nothing happened between you and Lilly, but that doesn’t mean you don’twantit to. You want to break up, don’t you?” I tear my gaze from the pilled carpet and risk a glance at his face, praying that I’m wrong, that he rushes to correct me.
He doesn’t.
Instead, he keeps talking, each word digging like another razor blade deeper and deeper into my heart. “Lilly and I…we have a lot in common. A lotmorein common. Nothing’s happened between us, but the spark is there, and…” He doesn’t fillin the blank, looking at me helplessly, so I’m the one who hammers the final nail into my own coffin.
“You want to see where it leads.”
He coughs awkwardly into the floor, eyes skirting everywhere except toward me. “Yeah. I do. But Lilly has no idea I feel this way, that I want to act on anything at all. That wasn’t some front she put on. And I haven’t made any solid decisions yet—I wanted to talk to you about it when I came home for the summer.”
I don’t answer that, closing my eyes and seeing the image of pink and white socks dancing across the backs of my eyelids.Was he going to let this weirdness go on for three more months before coming clean about it?
Jack squeezes my hand again, drawing attention back to him. “I’m sorry I didn’t go about it better.” He looks like a kicked puppy, and in any other situation, maybe that would’ve made me feel bad. But instead, all I can think about is my mother, those nights on the couch, the ice cream and the wine and the crying.
Is this what it feels like? To put so much stock in a person and have them stomp on your heart anyway?
And then, a tinier voice, the quietest whisper in the back of my mind:Did I make a mistake?
Which decision was a mistake, though? Letting Tyler go? Letting myself get comfortable with Jack? Turning off my heart to side with my brain?
It’s too much to process all at once, so I simply don’t. I act.
I slowly detangle my fingers from Jack’s and pull my hand away. It doesn’t leave me feeling any sort of empty or cold,the way letting go of Tyler’s hand felt on the plane. “I think I shouldgo.”
“Go where?” Jack echoes my own thoughts, frowning. “You just got here; where are you going to go?”
I’m already standing now, brushing off my hoodie. “I have to go, Jack. Somewhere that isn’t here.” I’m too paralyzed to think that far ahead, the only thought circling my brain being that I have to remove myself from this situation before I lose another piece of myself.
Jack rises to meet me, putting a hand gently on my shoulder. “Listen, Olive. I know it isn’t ideal to stay here, but you shouldn’t put yourself up in a hotel around here. They’re outrageously expensive. I’ll sleep on the floor all week if you want, and you can take my bed. Just…please don’t leave.”
I shrug his hand off my shoulder, the rage fully sparking and igniting now. “I’m not staying here so you can feel better about doing this to me after I flew all this way. I’m not your charity case.”I’m not his anything now.Hurt and pain and embarrassment swirling in my brain, I step into the hallway and don’t look back, even as Jack calls after me helplessly. I force my feet to keep going, one step in front of the other, away from the wreckage of yet another failed relationship.
Oh god,I think as I grip my suitcase handle and head toward the elevator.Am I turning into my mother?As much as she loves and protects and cares for me, my stomach churns at the thought.
For the second time in my life, I’m leaving someone I saw a future with behind. Only this time, the only heart breaking is mine.
Chapter Fifteen
I wish I could say that this was the first time Jack had chosen someone else over me, but that would be a lie.
Jack’s graduation had been a weird experience for me, for several different reasons. First, my boyfriend was graduatinghigh school,and I wasn’t standing there beside him clad in my own scratchy graduation gown, because I still had another year to go.
