“Yeah?” Addie hated her own insecurity, but there it was. Shewasn’t sure what Toni thought about that night. It was on the list of things Addie wanted to know, but couldn’t figure out how to ask without sounding super needy. Her face flamed as she asked, “Even though I didn’t… know how to… when I…”
Toni had no hesitation at all. “Yes. Some womendon’treciprocate at all, you know.”
“Is that what you want?” Addie felt like she’d fallen into a strange world. Lesbians, in general, tended to be more “let’s discuss” than the few men she’d dated, but that openness never stopped fascinating her—and, well, she hadn’t even thought about dating anyone the last year. There were a few flirtations, but no one had made it to an actualdate.Her mind had been too full of Toni, waiting for the next email, hoping they’d evolve to talking about big things, like the fact that Toni was the only person to touch Addie intimately or that Toni had named her main character after Addie.
Talk about grand romantic gestures.
Toni stepped closer, not all the way into the surf but moving nearer so she could speak softly and still be heard over the sound of the ocean. “I’m not at all opposed to being touched, Addie, but… if you’re not ready to do that…” Toni paused, like she was trying to find words. “I still take satisfaction ingivingpleasure. I’m flexible. If all you want is friendship with no sex, I think that sounds good, too. Between my two jobs, I don’t have a lot of time with friends. I work. I go to the gym. I mind my monstrous cat, Oscar Wilde, when he’s not angry because I had to travel.”
“What if I want both? The friendship part and the other part.” Addie felt like her face was bright enough to be a beacon even though the sun had set. She stared at Toni and made herself use the actual words. “The friendship and the sex.”
Toni smiled. “I’d like that.” She looked around then, and in a teasing voice, added, “Not here, though. It’s a bit more exposed than that garden.”
“So what about a hotel room…?”
“I do happen to have one of those tonight,” Toni said. “If you want.”
“It’s been ayearof thinking of you,” Addie said. “One night. Then nothing for a year. I touched myself to one of your history lectures, Toni. So yes, I definitely want.”
The look Toni gave her was half-craving, half-awe. She held out her hand. “Let’s go.”
Chapter 17Toni
Addie had pulled her hand free when she slipped out of the car, and Toni had to restrain herself from grabbing it back.I don’t evendoPDA. This is ridiculous.But whether it was absurd or not didn’t matter; what mattered was that they weren’t touching, and after holding hands in the car and on the beach, Toni was not okay with all these minutes when she wasnottouching Addie. It was ridiculous to be aroused by holding a woman’s hand, especially at her age, but there was no other explanation Toni could think of for feeling like this.
By the time Toni led Addie across the lobby, her panic was at war with her libido. Something about Addie made Toni keep confessing things she wouldn’t typically share with anyone other than Emily. Talking was different in email. In writing, a kind of distance made it easier to control the narrative, to limit what she confessed and what she kept hidden, but being so open in person was different. That kind of trust was unheard-of for Toni, and she was trying to focus on the good parts, not the panic that kept rising up.
What if she betrays me?
What if she doesn’t?
Traditionally, Toni had acquaintances, colleagues, and that one trusted person. Emily. Em was the only family she’d had since Aunt Patty died. She was the only one Toni fully trusted.
When did I start trusting Addie, too?
Toni swallowed her panic as she looked at Addie, who was smiling and keeping pace despite her shorter legs.Those legs…Toni wouldn’t be surprised to discover that the jeans hugging Addie’s legs were painted on somehow.
“Do you need me to slow down?” Toni asked.
Addie laughed in such a way that Toni felt like Addie understood her impatience. It was taking an irrational amount of self-control to keep her hands to herself as they crossed the lobby and stood at the elevator bank.
When the elevator doors opened, Toni gestured Addie into the elevator car. “After you.”
“Or maybe before me this time,” Addie murmured.
Toni shot her a heated look, and Addie gave her the same innocent expression she had over a year ago in the pub. They stood side by side silently as the elevator doors slid open and let several people out.
Addie reached out and slipped her hand under Toni’s jacket. There was nothing inappropriate in the gesture. Toni still had on a shirt, but it felt like Addie’s palm was searing through the thin fabric.
“Adelaine…,” Toni started.
The elevator stopped again. The remaining passengers got out. And Addie stepped in front of Toni, so they were suddenly face-to-face. She stared up at Toni and said, “I want you to be patient with me, tell me what you like, show me what you like. I am not a pillow princess.”
Toni’s mouth gaped open, but no words came out.
But Addie wasn’t done. “I’ve thought about thisa lotthe last year, and I know what I like with my vibe, but I want to know how to please you, too. I want to learn more about what I like, too. I mean, I know I liked when you told me I was a good girl.” Addie laughed self-consciously. “I liked it enough that when you were all brusque at the studio…”
When she left the rest of the sentence unspoken, Toni asked, “Enough that what?”
