“And you’re stuck taking care of me?”
“I’m not stuck—”
“Don’t lie to me.” Lilian gave her a glare that was as infuriating now as it was growing up. “We have never been close enough for you to care about my feelings. Don’t pretend you like me now.”
“You’re my mom.” Toni knew she had a mirrored expression of her mother’s. “And you weren’tbadto me. We just clashed. I love you, so yeah, I found you a safe place to live.”
“I love you, too.” Lilian looked around her sitting room. “Posh for an old folks’ home. Did you do something reckless?”
Toni squirmed. “I wrote a novel, and it sold well. There’s a, umm, television show coming out, too.”
“Really?” Her mother’s expression was awe-filled. “All I did with my life was write a few songs.”
“Good songs. You still make royalties on them, you know,” Toni assured her. “Plus, you convinced me that the arts were worth a try.”
“Gambler’s spirit, right there.”
“No,” Toni objected quickly.
Lilian leveled her with a stern gaze. “If I wasn’t willing to bet on the impossible, I wouldn’t have sold those songs, or gone on stage, or kept my baby, or married your father. Sometimes, you have to take ridiculous chances if you want to win big. Your dad and I had that in common, you know? Gambler’s hearts. You never saw it, though, did you? He and I had that in common. No one else saw that side of me. Just him. Hesawme, you know? Warts and all, and he loved me.”
Toni felt like she was having a long overdue conversation, and she was inordinately grateful for her mother’s lucid window. “Even though he did all those things that hurt you? Youstilldon’t regret it?”
“We had a lot of fun, and I wasn’t always a picnic myself. I think Patty took you with her the first few times because of my temper.” Lilian looked a little sheepish. “I cut the crotch out of all his trousers the one time. Told him if he couldn’t keep his pecker in his pants, I might as well make it easier. That was an expensive choice.”
“If you could do it all over—”
“I’d still pick the life I had, bad times and good. I had you. I still sang. And I had a man who made my toes curl every time he kissed me,” Lilian said. “It wasn’t always easy, and he made mistakes. But I did, too. Love’s worth it, though. Nothing in the world feels like that.”
Toni shook her head.
Lilian continued, “Have you ever been in love? Felt like you might just die if you have to wait much longer to see your person? Like your heart might thump right out of your skin when you see them? Like you don’t care what other people say or think or do? Like the sun is inside them, and you feel warm and happy and safe in their arms? Like you areinvinciblebecause they believe in you?” Lilian stared off with a small smile. “That was how your father made me feel every day, even when we fought. I never wanted a life that wasn’t with him. The hard times were worth it because of the good times.”
And it occurred to Toni in a horrible flash of clarity that she knewexactlywhat Lilian meant. She understood every word her mother had said, and with each question, she thought,Addie.
Toni swallowed, trying to deny the clarity she’d been running from, trying to push this far down to wherever delusions lived so she could not lose Addie.I can’t love her. I won’t. I don’t.Toni wasn’t sure when or how it happened, but it had. She was in love with Adelaine.
“Patty?” Lilian reached out. “I forgot what we were talking about.”
Toni gave her a strained smile. “My brother.”
Lil laughed. “He’s ridiculous. Do you know he bought me a sapphire as big as a baby’s thumb? We’ll end up pawning it when he gets in too deep, but…” She shrugged. “What can you do?”
Toni tried to think of something to say, but her words were dry. She nodded, and she wasn’t sure whether her mother’s mental shift was a blessing or a curse in that moment. Lilian was laughing and telling stories now, and Toni was left reeling from her own epiphany.
What do I do now? I love Addie.
When she came out of the home, Toni had a distinct disjointed feeling at seeing Kaelee pacing beside her Jeep. Her mind was on Addie, not her job.
“Kaelee? Is everything okay?”
“Did you ask Ms. Haide to sign me? I mean if you did, thank you and all. I just want to make it on my own.” Kaelee crossed her arms over her chest tightly. “I’m not trying to be disrespectful. You know that, right?”
Toni stared at her. “Slow down.”
Kaelee nodded.
“Haide as in Emily? My Emily?” Toni prompted.
