He ignored me. “We both have a lot riding on the next couple of weeks. I need your episode and then my coverage of the Games to be flawless. After a bunch of false starts, this job feels like a fit for me. I can envision an actual future with the show, so I need everything to go smoothly.”
I ignored his bossiness. “Future? What’s that?”
“Yeah, my point exactly,” he said. “So what I’m asking is for us to enter into an agreement. We’ll forget about our past and focus on making something inspiring together. Remember, this interview will help you, too, Quinn.”
“Fine,” I agreed. “But you’re not the only one who gets to lay down rules, so it’s my turn.”
“Go for it.”
I forced myself to ignore how willing he seemed to hear me out, because it was only for selfish reasons.
“I expect this to be one hundred percent professional. That means you have to forget everything personal I told you in Switzerland. Don’t evenhintat it. I opened myself up to you, not your viewing audience. You can’t act like we have any shared history. And don’t try to be my buddy. As far as anyone knows, we were both at the Games four years ago, and that’s the extent of our relationship. Distant teammates.”
A quiet settled over the booth as we considered the fiction I was proposing, because there was still gossip residue about exactly what had happened between us in Switzerland, and doing the show would resurface it. The last thing I wanted was to be considered nothing more than one of Ben’s conquests.
“You probably don’t even remember half of what happened that night,” I scoffed at him. It was how I’d consoled myself when he didn’t reach out to me. Maybe he’d been drunk for twenty-fourhours? It was the only acceptable explanation of why he’d let me twist in the wind once we got home.
Ben went still, his eyes locked on me.
“I remember every second.”
My stomach dipped like I was on a small-town carnival roller coaster.
I’d shared the ugliest parts of myself with him, and he’d accepted me anyway, at least for that night. Would it even be possible for Ben to forget all the crap about my mom if he got the chance to interview her? And when I talked about how pumped I was to be going to the Olympics again, would he know that it was an act, and that I was actually terrified of blowing it for a second time?
Of course he would. After that night of truth telling I felt like Ben knew all the parts of me I tried to keep hidden. That the burned-out gifted kid was still fighting for her chance at gold.
He’d heard it all and acted like none of it mattered. That night, all he’d cared about was making sure that I was going to be okay.
In another life, Ben and I would be soulmates. In this one, we were nothing more than temporary colleagues.
Chapter Six
I still had one more question for Ben before we started our weeklong game of make-believe. I waited for the waitress to finish refilling his coffee before asking.
“Whyme?”
Ben froze, and his face tightened as if I’d slapped him. But his serial dating wasn’t exactly a secret.
“You knew all of Team USA was chasing you,” I continued. “Hell,everyathlete that was there wanted you. So why did you pick the one person who was crashing out? You could’ve had a shit ton more fun with someone like Nari Choi or Deanna Wilcox instead of wiping my tears all night.”
I hadn’t even wanted to turn up at the impromptu gathering of athletes—we weren’t allowed to call it a party—after what I’d been through on the ice. I felt so ashamed, like I’d let down the entire country, let alone all my teammates. Our plans to dominate the figure-skating podium were crushed, all thanks to me. I wasn’t exactly in a great headspace for having fun, but my teammates Alyssa and Charlotte convinced me that being around other humans might take my mind off my many failures.
I wanted to forget about everything I’d done wrong for the night. My falls during my long program, the many close-up photos of my tearstained face afterward, Carol’s obvious disappointment that she didn’t even try to hide from me. I didn’t need anyone else to make me feel bad for my shitty performance, I was doing an amazing job of it all on my own. Still, both Coach Carol and my mom were more than happy to point out in excruciating detail where things had gone sideways.
It felt impossible to get away from my sadness. Mygrief. I’d been training for the moment for my entire life, and I’d blown it. One of the headlines actually saidthe swan gets plucked. That night, I tried to fake being okay with the rest of the gathered athletes. I wasn’t the only one with a black mark next to my name after competing, but it felt like the spotlight was harshest on me.
We’d been outside under the stars, gathered around a firepit in a common area, hiding our beers in the sleeves of our official country parkas like high schoolers. At just nineteen, I was happy that I was legal in Switzerland. I didn’twantto get drunk, but it felt good knowing the option was available to me.
The night wore on and everyone started scream-singing the goofy Olympic theme song “Striving,” which had lyrics in our host country’s languages, including German, French, Italian, and English. I retreated into the background, clutching my still-full beer as tears slid down my cheeks.
And that’s when Ben finally walked over to me.
At first I thought he was just passing by on the way to get more alcohol, but he wound up in front of me, clutching my elbows as I quickly swiped away my tears. But his nearness—theMagic Martino was asking me how he could help me—only made me cry harder. I was mortified, but I just couldn’t stop. The mix of embarrassmentthat he was witnessing my breakdown combined with my bottomless grief meant that I couldn’t morph into a cool girl. I was fully inhabiting my mess.
I wound up nearly hyperventilating with snot running down my face, until he offered me a crumpled napkin from a kebab house and pulled me into a tight hug.
I finally managed to calm down thanks to a breathing exercise he suggested, until the two of us inhaling and exhaling in tandem, staring into each other’s eyes, started to feel a little tantric. That’s why it made total sense when he reached out to cup my cheek and gently draw me to him.
