“I felt bad for evenimplyingthat you needed a break,” Ben continued. “When I heard you’d quit I felt... I don’t know... sort of responsible for it.”
“Shame you didn’t think to check in on your young patient.”
“Quinn, I’m trying here, okay? Or should I not bother?”
He looked genuinely upset, and it almost swayed me. But I had years of built-up anger fueling me, and I wasn’t about to get lulled by his handsome sad face.
I remembered every minute of our conversation that night. We’d sat huddled together for hours while I cried and ranted about the state of my life. It got to the point where I’d nearly hyperventilated, and that was when Ben had pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me. I cried against his shoulder until I felt okay to keep talking.
That hug felt different from any others I’d gotten during Switzerland. I’d been falling the whole time, desperate for someone to grab on to me and tell me that I was still worthy, but only Ben hadreallyseen me. The way he’d held me, pressing himself to me like he could ground me with his body, made me feel safe in a way I’d never experienced.
It was no surprise what happened later that night.
Before that point, Ben gave me the space to rant, and offered me his perspective without judgment. He never came out and told me that I needed to consider quitting, but he didn’t have to. Little by little, through examples from his own career and a thoughtful examination of mine, the answer became clear to me on my own.
It felt like we were at the beginning of something real and important. Being so open had left me feeling bruisedandfree, like Ben was going to help me carry my load now that he knew it was crushing me.
“And I’m sorry, Quinn, but I need to remind you that I came back to the States dealing with my own shit. I won gold, and it was amazing, but I was also retiring. I had sponsorship commitments I needed to fulfill, and so much press.” His brow knitted as he broke off, like it was his turn to stop himself from saying too much. “Let’s just say there’s a lot you don’t know about that period. You were in my thoughts, all the damn time, but I needed to deal with my own shit first.”
It was a bucket of water on my fury, although being busy with his many gold medal commitments wasn’t exactly a rough go compared to what I’d dealt with when I got home.
He deserved a thimbleful of grace and nothing more.
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” I admitted quietly.
But still... how hard would it have been to send me a quick text? Just an “I’m thinking about you, stay strong” message would’ve been enough to make me feel less alone as I took an arcade rifle to my life and picked off the parts that were no longer working for me.
“No need to apologize,” he said quickly. “I’m sure from the outside it looked like I was having the time of my life. And I was, for alittle while. Then reality hit,hard. And let’s just leave it at that for now.” He took a long draw of coffee, still watching me over the rim of the mug. “I wanted to reach out to you, Quinn. I did, I swear. But you were sorting through your entire career, questioning everything. I thought I’d be a distraction. Plus...”
“What?” I pushed.
When he finally refocused on me I felt a tremor pass through my body.
“I was closing in on thirty. You were a child.”
I snorted. “Ohgross. Don’t make it sound so Lolita.”
“But you get what I’m saying,” he said in a strained voice. “The whole thing was complicated, given where we both were in our careers.”
I hated that he was making sense, but his logic couldn’t erase the pain I’d carried in the years since. Even an “it’s not you, it’s me” text would’ve been better than the ghosting he subjected me to. And I’d gotten a little unhinged as my unanswered texts piled up.
I still cringed thinking about some of the stuff I’d said.
“We’re both coming to this taping with baggage,” he said.
I snorted in response. His was a carry-on, mine was a steamer trunk.
“But wehaveto make it work. You’ll get to tell your story the way you want, and I’ll get my contract with the show.”
I allowed a single nod in response.
“So with that in mind, I was hoping we could lay out some ground rules for this interview,” he said.
“Please.” I spread my hands and swept the air in front of me. “Enlighten me, oh wise elder.”
“You’re so fucking annoying,” he said and chuckled.
“Childish, you might say,” I countered.