I could have pointed out that he’d not really given me an option. I could have also told him that he’d done exactly what I’d wanted to do since seeing it earlier in the day. I did neither.“Tell me why we’re here, Therin. You’ve spent the entire time I’ve been with the Chromis doing your best to pretend I don’t exist, and now you want to meet on our own in the middle of the night away from the rest of the tribe. You’re lucky I showed up at all.”
A mix of emotions played across Therin’s typically stoic features.“I have wanted to speak to you about that since our hunt for the Great Spirit, but I could not raise the courage within myself to address you until there were other matters to discuss and it was too late.”
As curious as I was to what these other matters might be, my daddy issues pushed that curiosity out of the way.“Go ahead. Take the time. We’re in the middle of the ocean, away from everyone. We have as much time as we need.”
“That is not necessarily so.”He glanced over his shoulder as if expecting someone to have followed him.
I followed his gaze but found no one. When I looked back, he was gazing at me once more. At my age, especially considering that I had demon blood in me, a person would think I’d be more of a man, less concerned about what others thought about me—be those people my dead grandfather or my long-lost sperm donor, hovering in front of me. A person would think that, but they’d be wrong. With him so near, finally talking to me once more, I wanted nothing more than to hear why he’d abandoned me so soon after finding each other. Whether he was going to wrap me in his arms and tell me how sorry he was and that he’d always be my father or if he was going to tell me why he hated me. At this point, I didn’t really care. I just wanted an answer.“Take the time, Therin.”
He hesitated. Whether debating the wisdom of taking the time or trying to avoid the confrontation, I wasn’t sure.
“Take the time, or I’m going back to the tribe. Before I’ll be willing to listen to anything else you have to say, I want an explanation.”
He hesitated still.
“Why did you treat me like a stranger, Therin?”Even in my mind, my voice broke, and I cursed my weakness.“After all those years of never knowing you, all I got was a few weeks with you. Then you shut me out.”
Again, he didn’t reply.
“Was it really because you found out I was gay? Because you found out I loved men?”
He held my gaze, though it looked like it took every ounce of his determination not to look away.“I have come to realize that it is my fault.”
I flinched. I hadn’t expected that.“What’s your fault?”
“Your affliction!”He glanced away, but then his ice-blue eyes darted back to me, the flames from my hands reflected in their depths.“It is my wrongdoing that Moheetla has distributed upon you. How am I supposed to be in your presence now that I know what my actions have brought upon my offspring?”
“It’s your fault that I’m gay? Is that what you’re talking about?”I gaped at him in utter confusion.“How in the world do you figure that?”
“I broke our laws. I betrayed my people for a few moments of pleasure. You are cursed with demon blood from your mother, and Moheetla has cast my shame upon you.”
The pieces of meaning clicked, forming a perfectly clear picture.“You think that because you had sex with my mom, produced a child with another species besides a mermaid, that Moheetla is punishing me? That I’m gay because you did something wrong?”
He didn’t respond. He just stared at me, as he had for weeks when not avoiding my eyes. What I had seen as hate or disgust for me was actually guilt and disgust with himself. I cursed myself for not having recognized it instantly. I should have. I’d seen that look on Grandma’s face for ages. The pastor had told her that boys were made gay by absent father figures and overbearing mothers. Grandpa and Grandma had fit that recipe, he barely able to offer me any more praise than he would for an annoying puppy and she overcompensating by micromanaging every aspect of my life. The preacher’s words had nearly destroyed my grandmother. Believing your actions had damned your beloved grandson was more guilt than any grandmother could bear. And here we were. Different god, different recipe for gayness, but the same damned thing all over again.
I swam forward and reached out, calling the flame back inside me, and clasped Therin’s hand. I thought he’d pull it away, but he didn’t.“I don’t expect you to understand it all, but I know what you’re feeling. My grandmother—she was my mom’s mom, but human, not demonic at all, and a very good woman—you would like her. Anyway, she believed it was her fault too. It’s nobody’s fault, Therin. Me being gay isn’t a curse from god, the human one or the mer one. Moheetla isn’t punishing you for anything. It’s just how I was born. It’s just who I am.”
It was clear my words didn’t alleviate any guilt or persuade him in the slightest. Had I really expected them to?
I tried another approach.“Why does Moheetla say it’s a sin for a male to love another male?”
“A sin?”
Damn language barrier.“Why does he say it’s wrong? Why does he command that I not be gay?”
More confusion crossed Therin’s face.“Moheetla does not care about such things. Why would you think your sexual behavior is of concern to Moheetla?”
That was a question I’d been wondering about God for as long as I could remember. I returned his confusion.“If you’re not worried about what Moheetla thinks about it, then what’s the matter? Why do you care, and why do you think he’s punishing you?”
He looked at me as if I was asking the most obvious questions in the world.“Have you not seen that our race is in danger of extinction? That we are growing fewer in number?”
“You mean the mers not having babies very often?”
He nodded without answering.
“What does that have to do with me being gay?”I took it one step further.“And what does that have to do with you being punished for reproducing with my mother?”
“I should have reproduced with another mer. You should have been more a mer, not a blend of different species. You do not exist as you should, and it is my fault. Had I fathered you with a mer, you would be as you were meant to be. You would be fully mer. You would not have the desire to mate with males. You would father children and help our race survive.”
