“If you don’t like it in here, I turned the third bedroom to a home office, so I could move my stuff into this one if you —”
“No, no —I would never ask you to do that.” Ran looks a little abashed. “This will be great, I’m sure.” When he plunks down onto the bed, though, he can’t quite hide the uncomfortable look on his face.
I cringe. “Yeah, that mattress isn’t the best. Actually, it’s probably fifteen years oldat least, so I’m sure it really sucks.” I rub the back of my neck and figure this is as good an opening as I’m going to get. “So, um, listen. You can treat my house like a crash pad if you’re looking for an apartment around here. But I’m not — I don’t mind if you want to stay here. You know, on a more long-term basis.” I study his face carefully, trying to see what he’s thinking.
Ran looks surprised. And grateful — I definitely see gratitude in his eyes. “I wasn’t expecting this. I don’t want to upend your life and all.”
“Upend it,” I blurt out as I give up trying to act nonchalant. My emotions steamroll my cautiously polite approach. “I’d actually be happy with the company. I mean, I don’t wantany random-ass roommate, but I’d be really happy withyourcompany. If that works for you, of course.”
I’m thrilled to see relief on Ran’s face. “Are you sure?”
“A hundred and ten percent,” I assure him.
The bed squeaks when he gets up and we hug for the second time today. I’m surprised at the nakedly fierce need I feel in his embrace. His ex must’ve done a number on his self-esteem.
I don’t let my self-consciousness about my belly stop me from returning the hug. The fabric of his expensive T-shirt is almost comically soft against my face. When I inhale, I breathe in the crisp scent of cedar and salt with a hint of something wild and warm-blooded underneath. Damn, Ran evensmellslike California.
My mind drifts back. The summer before senior year, he got in the habit of throwing an arm around me in a quick goodbye hug when I left his parents’ house. Every single time, I reminded myself that it didn’t mean anything, that it was just what friends —even guy friends —did. But once I got home to the privacy of my room, I would shut my eyes and press the front of my jacket or hoodie to my face, hoping to catch the lingering scent of him on the fabric.
Since I don’t want Ran to feel awkward, I start talking as soon as we separate. “So, I was thinking. If you’re planning to stay here, you’re welcome to order a new mattress, and I can just toss this old thing. I mean, I don’t care if you want to replace the rest of the furniture in here, too. I’m sure grandma-garage-sale isn’t exactly the kind of aesthetic you were used to in New York City,” I say with a laugh to cover my embarrassment.
Thank God I atleastgot the damn wallpaper off in here already. The walls are a warm light gray that brings out the richness of the dark walnut shade I used to refinish the floor. Ran glances around. “This isnice, actually. I really like the floor. You did this yourself, too?”
Sanding down and restaining the hardwood was a big job, so I preen at his compliment. “Yeah, thanks! I was thinking about redoing all the floors in this color, but wanted to try it out in one room first in case I wound up hating it or the color didn’t come out right.”
I glance up and make a face at the godawful brass fixture in the center of the ceiling. “Ugh, I'll get that swapped out, too. This weekend —promise. I’ve got the model I want bookmarked. I just hadn't gotten around to ordering it yet. I was going to see if I could find it at a discount any —”
“Hey, hey — Errol.” Ran’s tone stops me in my tracks. “It’s fine. Really. More than fine. I wasn’t expectinganyof this, so it’s not like I had any standards or expectations.” He gives his head a little shake. “I just can’t thank you enough. I’m really happy about this.”
Not as happy as I am.I can’t tell him that, though. I’ll never get the chance to be all I want to be for him. But he’s still my best friend. Just like before, that has to be good enough.
So why is it so hard to ignore the pang in my chest when I think about the way his arms felt around me?
6
ERROL
“Whatcha doing?” When I come downstairs on my way to work, I find Ran in the living room. He’s frowning at his laptop, a mug on the coffee table in front of him.
“Nothing.”
I take in his expression. “What’s the matter?”
He looks up from the screen with a sigh. “Thatis. I’m bored. Bored! I’m a grown-ass, twenty-nine-year-old man —I shouldn’t be bored. I should be busy, I should be hustling —I should beworking. Or doing something at least. But I don’t know what. I just don’t know…” He trails off and shakes his head. “It’s like I said that first day when I ran into you, when I first came back a couple weeks ago. I feel like I’m having a midlife crisis. But I’m too young for that. And at the same time, I feel like a kid trying to figure out what I’m going to be when I grow up.”
“That kind of makes sense.”
The rawness of his laugh catches me by surprise a little. “How do you figure? What about any of me sitting here just spinning my fucking wheels makes sense?”
I shrug. “You’ve done more professionally than a lot of people do in their entire careers. You did it all on fast-forward and now you’re so far ahead of the game that you can’t really tell where you are. Maybe part of the reason you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing is because there isn’t really a roadmap for where you’re at. Have you thought about maybe just taking some time to figure out what you want to do next?”
He sighs and rakes a hand through his hair. “That’s what Iamdoing. And badly, at that.”
“No, I mean deliberately. Not just feeling bad and unproductive because you think you should be doing something more or different. I mean tell yourself that you’re going to take some period of timejustto think about what you want to do next. You’re not slacking off because taking the month or two months or whatever to figure out what you want to doisthe assignment.”
“Huh.” His face takes on a contemplative squint as he looks at me. “How do you know all this stuff? When did you get your psychiatry degree?”
I grin. “For a lot of my regulars, Finn’s is their therapist’s office. Lot of times, it’s guys who probably spent their lives hearing and internalizing the message that they weren’t supposed to have feelings, or were supposed to keep them bottled up if they did.”
