“You think I’m sexist.”It was more a statement than a question as the reality surged over me like freezing water.I had been a chauvinist, even though the outcome had not been my intention.My behavior had spoken for itself.
She shrugged, evidently not wanting to upset me.“I think you have been sexist, Sir.”
I didn’t counter her.I knew I couldn’t.
Whether I’d believed the propagated bullshit the machine had churned out or not, I’d still overseen the imprisonment and torment of thousands of women.
I had done that.
Iwas the problem.
“Because I ask you to kneel and crawl?”The weight of responsibility was heavier than I’d expected.
There had been no consequences for men at Fortorus, especially for the man who ran the place, but holding her hand, the cogs in my head were turning, trying to make sense of what I was hearing.Even before Ian’s grand vision for the country had been rolled out, I’d always enjoyed dominating my lovers with pain and punishment, but maybe I’d allowed my personal kinks to become official policy, especially at Fortorus.Perhaps, somewhere in the lust for power, I’d forgotten that the people we were fucking with were real.
Women with children, with partners, and other people they loved.
Women with careers they’d invested time, energy, and money into.
Capable women who also cared about our country.
“Maybe.But then, I love that, too, so...”Her voice trailed away.
“So, we’re both just fucked up?”
I leaned closer, trying to push the weight of my guilt away.I would have to come to terms with what I’d done—not just to the woman I loved, but to all of the women we’d left behind, but my major concern was Caroline.Was she okay?Could she cope with the precarious dynamic we’d fostered, and most pivotally, did she still love me?
The surge of insecurity was crippling, tightening my grip on her delicate fingers.“Is that what you’re saying?”
“Maybe,” she repeated.“All I can tell you is that for so long, I haven’t been able to speak up.I didn’t even have a voice, and sometimes, I just want to scream into the silence and make sure I’m still alive.”Her brow creased.“For fuck’s sake, that doesn’t even make sense.”
“No, it does.”Somehow, in my myriad of competing emotions, her knot of emotional responseswasunderstandable.Deprived for so long, she sought freedom, yet the connection we’d found still demanded her submission to me.“You want to be free, but our dynamic means I still make the rules.Our love stifles your liberty.”
It was a crushing conclusion.
“And I don’t want to lose us or our dynamic,” she clarified at once.“I love this thing we have, Sir.It’s just, I suppose sometimes it reminds me of—"
“The dark shades of who I used to be,” I interrupted her unthinkingly, and possibly, proving her earlier point.
“Yeah.”She blew out a breath.“This is all a lot.”
“Come here.”
Patting my thighs, I guided her to her feet and ushered her onto my lap, where I tugged the throw closer and wrapped its soft warmth around her.“I’m here for you, and I need you, little girl.”
The admission echoed in my head, cementing the truth for me.Ireally didneed her, like I needed the fucking oxygen in the air.There was no future without Caroline.None I was willing to conceive anyway.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to listen to you and adjust to this new life together.If that means stepping back from beingin chargefor a while, then so be it.”
Though God only knew how I’d manage that feat.After so long, giving commands was almost second nature.
“Thank you.”She shifted over me.“I want you to be in charge, though.I mean, you wouldn’t be you unless you were bossing me around in some way, Sir.”
Laughter erupted at her quip.It should have been impertinent, but in the face of what was at stake, I decided her honesty was essential.To survive the next few weeks of living undocumented and ‘on the run,’ we needed to be a team, and that meant listening to each other and doing our best to respond to each other’s needs.
“Okay, so, I’m still in charge.”I was happy with that.“But I promise to give you ample time to share your views and feelings on what we do and where we go.”
“And the past?”She swallowed at the thought.“Can I be honest about that, too, Sir?”
