Chapter Fifteen
Adam
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OFFERING MY PALM TOher, I watched as she shuffled closer, her expression oddly coy.I hadn’t seen that look on her face for a long time.It reminded me of the woman I’d first picked up in the camp and brought back to my unit, of the terrified, trembling woman I’d coaxed back to confidence.
Thank God I took a chance and rescued her.
I hadn’t expected her abrupt outpouring of emotion, neither the sadness nor the anger anticipated, but speaking about Fortorus had triggered unspoken feelings that she needed to release.
That much I could understand.The camp I’d run had stripped her of her rights and her freedoms, and if Ian had got his way, it would also have taken her life.
“I really didn’t mean to be disrespectful.”Her voice was quieter than before, a sign, I hoped, that she was calmer.“I just feel like the threat of punishment means I sometimes can’t adequately express myself, and I don’t know how to deal with that, Sir.”
Her eyes fluttered closed as her fingers tightened on mine, and without another word, she fell gracefully to her knees before me.Her exquisite show of sweet submission was utterly fucking breath-taking.
“Keep talking to me, little girl.”I stroked small circles onto the back of her hand, watching her reactions carefully.Even though I’d given the order scores of times, it was still a wonder to me when she chose to kneel without command.“I know I haven’t been through all the shitty things you have, but I want to understand.”
Her mouth parted, and she pulled in what seemed like a steadying breath.“I don’t know how best to explain, Sir.”
“Try, please.”
I wanted to hold her, wanted to kiss away the new tears burning in her anguished eyes, but I sensed it was better to just let her talk.
To let herbe.
I realized it was the first time she’d really been allowed to be herself for years.Even before Fortorus had been built, women’s rights had been squeezed back to a time prior to the 1950s.Life must have been unbearable for her and all the others.
“I’ve just been muted for so long.”Her eyes flickered open.“Sometimes, when you give an order, it’s difficult to unpick what’s erotic about the instruction and what’s just plain chauvinism.”She heaved in a shaky breath.“And I’ve put up with that bigotry for so long.We all have.”
Chauvinism?
Was that what I was doing?
Is that who I’ve become?
I hesitated at the recrimination, suddenly unsure, and an image of my mother burst into my mind’s eye.What would she have thought about my misogynistic exploits?Would I, given the chance, have been able to look her in the eyes and explain my behavior?
I had been a part of the machine that had created and discriminated on the basis of biological sex and gender.I’d sat in those meetings where the plans and policies were discussed and finally enacted, dividing the nation not just by gender, but by the categories Ian deemed ‘worthy’.
Watching the water make tracks along her cheeks, it occurred to me, for perhaps the first time, that I didn’t just have culpability in what had taken place in Britain, or even at Fortorus, but thatIwas actually part of the problem.
Men like me were the reason women like her were afraid to speak.
