The next daywhen I arrived at the grow house, Sean was waiting for me, leaning against a table with his arms crossed. I knew immediately that we weren’t going to talk about what had happened the day before.
“I’ve fitted the filters,” he told me. “You can’t smell the weed from the outside, anymore.” Then he nodded towards the corner and I saw the mattress. “I’m going to start sleeping here,” he told me. “Every day, the crop’s worth more. Someone could just roll a truck up and take the whole thing. And at night, this place is completely unprotected.”
I looked around. When he put it like that, itdidfeel very vulnerable. But this was about more than just that. “So you’ll be here at night...but not during the day?”
He nodded. “You’re here in the day. And if someone tries to break in, they’ll do it under cover of dark.”
I stared at him. I nearly said,But I’ll never see you.But that was the whole point. He was separating us.
I kicked at the mattress. “Doesn’t look very comfortable.” I could hear the bitterness in my voice.
I could feel his eyes on me. “I’ll be okay.” Then his voice softened. “It’s simpler, this way.”
My guts twisted. I wanted to scream at him that I didn’t want it to besimple.I wanted the way he made me feel, when he touched me, when he whispered in my ear in that granite-and-silver accent. Even with all the complications they caused, those moments we’d had were better than...this!
Then I looked up and saw his eyes. The pain I saw there made my chest ache...and underneath that, the burning throw-me-down-on-the-table-and-fuck-me lust, stronger than ever. Every muscle in his body was coiled, a panther ready to spring. He was only just holding himself back.
Being around me was tearing him apart. He was just trying to do the right thing, what he thought he needed to do, to protect the cropandme.
I closed my eyes. “Fine,” I said. And stalked out to my car, not looking back. I told myself that he was right, that it was better this way. That getting the money and saving Kayley was the only important thing and to hell with my feelings.
I didn’t know that the new arrangement would put me in more danger than ever before.
30
LOUISE
July/August
Two months flashed past.Between mornings at my job, afternoons at the grow house and checking in on Kayley at the apartment, things became a blur. I was a machine, existing only to feed and water the plants, my sister, and, when I remembered, myself. I stopped caring about dates and measured time inthings: three more bags of fertilizer until I had to go to the store, two of coffee, one of Kayley’s favorite instant oatmeal. I was trying to treat her in any little way I could because the inexorable slide Dr. Huxler had warned me about had started. Each day, she looked a littler paler, a little weaker.
I was so focused on the changes in Kayley, I didn’t realize how big the plants had gotten until I saw Sean one day, right at the end of August. I’d only run into him a few times since the new arrangement began: normally, he’d be gone when I arrived at the grow house each day and he’d show up to sleep there after I left. One afternoon, I stopped by in the late afternoon to drop off some supplies and found him standing there in the middle of the room, gazing around in awe.
Immediately, it was like someone had thrown a switch in mybody. My chest went light, my head clouded and that slow, dark twisting began in my groin. The feelings hadn’t shrunk for being ignored; they’d grown stronger than ever. He was facing away from me and I marveled at the movement of that sculpted back as he breathed.
A floorboard squeaked and he spun around. I saw the shock in his eyes...and then the way it changed to raw, almost uncontrollable heat. There were two tables between us and, for a moment, I thought he was about to smash them out of the way to get to me.
Then his eyes flicked to the side. I could see the tension in his forearms and shoulders, every vein standing out. “You’ve done good,” he muttered.
I could barely speak. “Thanks.”
His eyes returned to me, searing into me. “They look great.”
I felt myself flush, feeling his gaze stroke down my neck and then down, down, down. “So do you,” I blurted. Then, as I realized what I’d said, “You’re early.”
“You’re late.”
“I got stuck in traffic.” I dumped the bag of fertilizer I was carrying on the floor. “What’s your excuse?”
That seemed to snap him out of his reverie. “I’m not staying,” he said. “I just stopped by to check on the place. I can’t be here tonight.” He headed for the door.
“What? Wait!” I reached out and grabbed his arm as he passed.
He slowed to a stop as my arm drew tight. It was such a ridiculous sight, like a battleship being pulled up by a rowboat. He looked down at my pale hand on his bronzed forearm as if I had all the power in the world.
We were standing so close, his trapped forearm was a hair’s breadth from touching my breasts. I could feel the heat from his body throbbing into mine. But something was wrong—his face was drawn and tight with worry. “Why can’t you be here tonight?” I asked. “You’re here every night.”
He wouldn’t meet my eyes.Another secret,I thought.“I just can’t. Something I have to do.”
