A perfunctory knock landed on the door before it opened. A nurse appeared with a shot and a gift bag. Sterling watched thewoman move his way, feeling absolutely nothing. She had purple hair and tattoos. Those were always the best caretakers.
She handed him the bag. “This is for you.”
Sterling checked the name on her badge as she passed the bag along. Shelby. “Thank you.”
Shelby flashed him a smile. “No problem. Now, I’m going to flush your line first, but I have more meds. It seems the doctor has ordered for you to still get everything intravenously.”
A humorless laugh burst out. “I’m not to be trusted to take pills.”
She patted his shoulder. “Everyone forgets to take their meds occasionally.”
Sterling allowed the falsehood to stand. He simply let the influx of drugs keep him mellow. Sterling had nowhere to go anyhow. When he was alone again, he stared at the bag on his lap. It was shiny blue and lightweight for its large size. He gave up trying to decide who might have sent it and moved the tissue paper aside. A smile exploded across his face. It was the Bakugan battle set he had begged Santa for when he was a kid. His dad had died that year. His mom had shut down. Tip had left to enjoy his new freedom and career. His sister cried all the time and Sterling had just sort of disappeared. He hadn’t wanted to bother anyone with a Christmas list. No one listened when he spoke anyhow. Sterling hadn’t been worried, though. He had told Santa. There hadn’t been a single doubt he would get the only gift he wanted. Then Christmas had come, and he watched Miranda open amillion presents while he waited patiently for his one lonely package under the tree. Turned out it was from a great aunt he had never met. It was a sweater. She had knitted it herself, which was fine, but it was about three sizes too small. The way he felt that day had stuck with him. Even though he had been twelve and had fully known Santa Claus wasn’t real, there had still been some small hope inside him that life wouldn’t fail him just the one time. There was only one person who knew that story. A letter was taped to the box. Sterling stared at the folded paper for much longer than necessary. His hand shook when he finally peeled the note off and unfolded it.
Sterling,
I actually bought this for you three Christmases ago. Well, you know why you didn’t get it then. I found it in the closet. It was past time I should’ve given it to you. When you left, I was so angry with myself for not telling everyone about us, so maybe you’d finally take mercy on me and marry me. I was scared as hell people would think I was some pervert, since my son isn’t that much younger than you. Plus, I was terrified Tip would fire me and I’d have no way to support you. Mostly, I just knew you could do better than me. I knew, if we got married, you’d get to Miami and have men way better and younger than me throwing themselves at your feet. You’d stay faithful because that’s who you are, and I would’ve cursed you to some sort of half life. Not once have I ever known what the right thing to do is. All I’ve ever known is that I love you. For real. All the way to my soul. That means putting you first. Except, maybe my idea of putting you first was the wrong one. I don’t know. All I know is I fucked up so goddamn royally and I’ve been nothing but miserable since you left. You love your career. You earnedthat and deserve everything you’ve accomplished. I just wish so damn badly I had found the courage not to be left behind because I’ll never stop loving you. That love is something I wake up with every day and take to bed every night. I don’t even know the point of this letter. Just please don’t leave me. Just please be happy. If you need a Bakugan partner, just let me know. I’m pretty sure all AJ’s old battle brawlers are still around here somewhere. Somehow, I still step on one about every six months. I think they’re breeding. I miss you.
Buck
Sterling set the bag aside and rolled. On his side, he hugged the box and letter against his chest and stared at nothing, seeing everything. Too many nights to recall, Buck had held him while they told each other endless stories. They had known everything about each other, even down to the funny little dance Buck did while waiting for food to heat in the microwave. A sad smile tugged at Sterling’s lips. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember why anything at all had mattered more than their love. Sterling had pressed and pressed for some sort of big announcement about their relationship. When he looked back at things, he was pretty damn sure everyone actually knew. It wasn’t like they were slick or even really tried to hide. Their love had been so big, it was like they were incapable of not touching each other. Then Sterling had left, and the ugliness inside his mind had beaten him. The emptiness always won. It was a dark hole, sucking every ounce of joy from him, turning his mind against him. Truth be told, the darkness was still beating him. Sterling didn’t know how to stop it. He didn’t know if he had any fight left.
Chapter Six
Ithadbeenweekssince Buck set eyes on Sterling. He was right down the road and across the street. Buck could walk to him in ten minutes and drive there in two. Sterling had to come to him. He had to be the one to choose. At least, Buck thought so. Fuck, he didn’t know. He never knew shit. But Buck had sent a letter every single day. After sending a gift in the hospital, Buck started keeping Sterling up to date on the farm, telling him funny stories about the horses. Without meaning to, the notes had turned more personal. Buck couldn’t help himself when it came to Sterling. He just wanted to hold him so goddamn badly. Hell, for all Buck knew, those letters had probably gone straight into the trash without Sterling reading a word. Still, Buck couldn’t stop trying. If he hadn’t stopped trying in the first damnplace, everything could be different now. For all Buck knew, maybe Sterling would have married him. It was hard to say.
Dust fell from the ceiling.
Buck looked up, losing the threads of his thoughts. Someone moved around in the hayloft. Buck went on alert. It had been a long time since they had a trespasser on the property, but it wasn’t unheard of. Buck quietly moved to the ladder. He didn’t have his shotgun, but Buck was a big guy. There wasn’t much that scared him. The guys were out in the field today. Quince was still with Jathan in the city. There shouldn’t be anyone in the barn.
Buck poked his head into the loft just in time to see Sterling take off his shirt and wipe the sweat from his face. Damn. Buck’s knees turned to jelly so fast, he almost fell off the ladder. Instead, he moved to step back down and let Sterling have his peace.
“Hey.”
Sterling’s greeting had Buck freezing in place. Buck’s gaze returned to the beautiful body on display. “Hey.”
“I thought the barn was empty.”
Disappointment hit like a load of bricks. “It probably was when you got here. I just came in. I’d planned to run the horses today, but Quince still hasn’t returned.”
Sterling nodded. “How’s it working out for you, being co-foreman?”
Buck climbed the rest of the way up the ladder and sat at the edge of the opening with his legs resting on the rungs below. “It’s good. Honestly, I imagine the job will be a lot less stress on the both of us with backup. We can actually take time off without worrying. What have you been working on this morning?”
Sterling motioned toward the broom leaning against the wall. “Cleaning. When I was up here the other night, I noticed the bales were all over the place—like the guys have been grabbing stacks willy-nilly. Eventually, it would’ve gotten out of control with stacks being—” Sterling stopped and smiled. Buck’s breath caught. He barely heard Sterling’s next words. “Well, you know, since you do it all the time.”
“One of the many things I’ve always loved about you is your willingness to jump in and help. It’s not your farm or job, but you never seem to care about any of that.”
Sterling shrugged, looking uncomfortable with the praise. “This is Tip’s place. As soon as I turned eighteen, he built me a house to get me away from Mom. You know all that, though.”
He did. Buck knew everything about him. “I can send someone else up here to do all this, if you want.”
“It’s all good. I need something to keep me busy and in shape.”
What a gorgeous shape it was too. Buck was hot as hell, and it had nothing to do with the weather. Heat simply consumed him. He swallowed. Buck needed to move along and let Sterling be. “Then I guess I should let you get back to work.”
Sterling never looked away from holding Buck’s stare as he nodded. “You probably have a lot of shit to do.”
Buck gave a sharp nod, as if the matter was settled. He had no idea why. It wasn’t that things were uncomfortable. His unease was more due to not knowing where they stood any longer. Maybe they weren’t even friends anymore. With an inner sigh, he moved to go down the ladder.
