Buck had a million questions, but he was too scared to ask. If he opened his mouth, everything inside him might fall out.
Tip’s chest expanded as he took a deep breath. His stare seemed to deepen. “It’s time for everyone to stop pretending you’re not involved with my brother.”
The statement finally shook Buck from his shock. He opened his mouth. Buck had no idea what he planned to say. Everything inside him screamed for him to deny it. His tongue refused to tell that lie.
Tip held up his hand, stopping him. “This isn’t your fault.”
Buck snapped his mouth closed. He couldn’t even think clearly anymore.
Tip kept going. “He’s having a manic episode.”
Buck sat.
Tip eyed him. “By your reaction, I assume you didn’t know Sterling is bipolar.”
Buck shook his head. His voice still wouldn’t work.
Tip nodded, as if he expected as much. “Unfortunately, there’s more. Under most circumstances, I’d never tell you all this, but I honestly think you love him.” He took no mercy on Buck. “It seems he purposely stopped his medication about a month after coming home. He wanted the intrusive thoughts to finally drive him over the edge.”
“Why?” It was all Buck could croak out. There was so much pain in that one word that even Buck flinched. He didn’t know why he asked why. Buck knew. It was him.
Tip took a shaky-sounding breath and rubbed the center of his chest, as if absently trying to scrub away the pain. “It seems, after their final match of the season, the team’s head coach drugged Sterling and sexually assaulted him.”
Buck wanted to die. For so many reasons, he wanted death to take him. He swallowed. “I didn’t know.” Buck lasted half a second. “Did he call the police? Was this reported?”
Tip shook his head. “He didn’t have any definitive proof. In fact, he blames himself. Sterling says you always told him his careless flirting would get him hurt.” Tip held his stare like he recorded every minute detail of Buck’s reaction. Buck watched the realization grow in Tip that maybe Buck was to blame after all. Tip didn’t slow. He kept ripping Buck’s heart out. “The thing is, it’s not careless flirting. It’s a nervous tick. Fear of people dismissing his existence. He doesn’t know how to connect with people. No one gave him love when he needed it the most. He wasn’t taught what healthy love looks like. His entire life, he’s been rejected by everyone. The only attention he’s ever gotten was from polo and being sexualized. I failed him.”
Buck stared at nothing, seeing nothing except all the ways he had punished Sterling since he came home. That night in the hay. Goddamn. “If you want my resignation, you can have it.”
Tip snorted. “I have no doubt Sterling pursued you with everything he has. The only time I heard any emotion in his voice tonight was anytime he said your name.” Tip shook his head. He looked every bit as shell-shocked as Buck felt.
Buck couldn’t take it anymore. “What now?”
Tip startled, as if he fell into his thoughts and forgot about Buck. His eyes looked haunted when he focused on Buck. He cleared his throat. “The hospital will keep him until his meds have him stabilized again. After that, I don’t know. He doesn’t want to come back here, but, according to him, he can’t go back to Miami. I just don’t know.” Tip stood. “But I know one goddamn thing, after I go home and hug my husband, I’m about to have my foot so far up a coach’s ass, he’ll be the one wishing for death.”
Buck felt the same rage Tip did, but the pain and guilt eclipsed everything. He felt too fucking helpless to move.
Tip headed for the door.
Buck spoke without thinking. “I do love him, you know. You’re right about that. I’ll do whatever it takes to help.”
Tip gave him a sharp nod and left Buck alone with the destruction he had caused. Buck would never forgive himself for this. Every dark thought led to another until he had to fight the urge to head to Sterling’s mom’s house and put her down like a dog. Her shitty parenting started everything.
Buck dug out his phone and called his son. He needed AJ to know he was loved and accepted in every way and always would be.
AJ answered on the third ring. “Hey, Dad. What’s up?”
“I love you.”
An uncomfortable-sounding chuckle tumbled through the line. “I love you too. What’s wrong?”
Tears welled in his eyes. Buck had no one to lean on. He couldn’t tell AJ the things Tip had told him. But he could do one thing he should’ve done years ago. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
It was easier than he expected. In the face of so much horror, loving someone nearly half his age seemed like nothing. Everything started with no one loving Sterling the way he deserved. Buck would be goddamned if Sterling ever felt that way again. It was time for that healthy love Tip mentioned.
All he did was sleep. Sterling couldn’t help it. It was like his months of silence, rage, pain, and depression had finally caught him and crushed him. He was alone. Sterling always was, though. Sometimes he preferred the silence. He hated feeling like he had to be funny or talkative out of fear of someone not wanting to be his friend anymore. Then, when they left, he second-guessed everything he said and did, certain he made an idiot of himself, and they would block his number. He felt like an inconvenience. Life wasn’t easier alone, but at least he could sit in silence, only being judged by himself. That was why he had told the hospital to refuse visitors. He had nothing left to give.
Sterling supposed the meds were working again. Honestly, he couldn’t tell any longer. He didn’t enjoy anything anymore anyhow. Sterling simply took up space and racked up medical bills. Maybe he should move somewhere with universal healthcare. Maybe Canada. Nah. It was too cold. Sterling had gotten accustomed to the Florida heat. Now he wore a jacket when it hit sixty-five degrees. He would say Australia, but the spiders were huge. Maybe Spain. Did they even have universal healthcare? That wasn’t a bad idea if they did. Sterling had to think about anything at all. He needed to look toward the future. Sterling had a bad feeling the whole world was about to know his business and see him as only a victim now. Polo didn’t create many household names. He wasn’t really famous or anything. It was possible this entire thing would barely be a blip on the news. No matter what, Sterling didn’t want to be here anymore. Since it seemed he wasn’t really brave enough to off himself, he would need a new plan. Sterling could work on that and busy his mind.
