A genuine smile snapped to Sterling’s lips. “Yeah. That’s what I thought too. It seems I was wrong. My age mattered to him, and he broke something in me I couldn’t afford to lose.”
German cocked his head to one side, looking a little too scrutinizing for Sterling’s comfort. “Why do you sound like you’re still heartbroken over something that happened three years ago?”
Pain welled in his chest. “Three years is nothing when the love is real.”
“So you still want him?”
Sterling desperately wanted to be done with this. “Yes. I guess a part of me always will. Unfortunately, I’m still the secret shame and I’m not sure we don’t hate each other now. We can’t be fixed.”
German’s chest expanded on a deep breath. “Well, on that note. We should get something stronger than beer. Quince said we should have fun, and he’s more than willing to pick us up if we get shitfaced. I say we take him up on the offer. It sounds like you need to forget for a little while.”
Sterling couldn’t stop smiling. It felt good to get everything off his chest. He didn’t have anyone he could talk to about Buck. Maybe that was all he had needed to move on. He felt lighter.
“Absolutely.”
German waved down a server and ordered shots. Sterling stared at him in a new light. They really were friends. He wasn’t alone.
Despite the noise surrounding him, the thin wood panel behind his head did nothing to mute Sterling’s every damning word in the booth behind him. They sat back-to-back and Buck hung on to every confession. Guilt gnawed at his gut. It was bad enough that he was basically stalking Sterling. He couldn’t claim his choice of seating was a coincidence. When Sterling had left the property with German, Buck had to know. He had to see Sterling flirt with someone else, so maybe he could walk away. Unfortunately, now he couldn’t breathe. He hadn’t realized how much he had been hurting Sterling back in those days. Love had made him blind and dumb. He had never felt the way he felt about Sterling. Not before or after. Sterling was a sickness. An old fool’s dream come true. Until Sterling popped back up in his life a few weeks ago, Buck had forgotten how much Sterling made him feel. Now Buck couldn’t stop. He was back to acting crazy all over again. Buck needed a drink.
Three beers in, it hit him. Sterling had never been ashamed of them. All the times he saw the hurt in Sterling before he hid it again flitted through Buck’s mind. His chest hurt and determination grew with each passing second. He was the problem. Buck had always been the true villain in their story. Sterling should hate him. Yet Sterling had told German he still loved Buck. Buck didn’t deserve it, but fuck. He wanted that love with every fiber of his being. Buck had felt the loss and betrayal. He deserved to have a goddamn life outside of being a father. His son was grown. Sterling was too. They were all fucking adults. He deflated as quickly as his courage grew. Sterling was Tip’s baby brother. Tip was Buck’s boss. He didn’t know what to do.
Buck’s gaze slid toward the dance floor. Sterling had dragged German into a line dance and tried teaching him the steps. They laughed uproariously every time German missed a step or turned the wrong direction. Damn. Sterling really was amazing. His whole life, people had fucked over Sterling. But Sterling kept coming back for more abuse, because attention was attention, and Sterling had never gotten that. He had the world’s eyes on him now. No matter what he said, Buck wanted that for Sterling. Sterling deserved it. He made Buck proud as hell.
Buck chuckled when a busty server in a ripped, tight t-shirt appeared with more shots. Sterling and German smiled as they accepted. They tossed back the shots. The woman took one with them. A slow song started. Their new friend set her serving tray aside and motioned for German to dance with her. Sterling’s smile never dimmed as he watched German accept.
Buck couldn’t say what happened. He was on his feet and moving in Sterling’s direction without a single thought. Themoment Sterling spotted him, the air shifted. Sterling went from smiling to smoldering in under a second. Buck didn’t know what Sterling saw in Buck’s expression, but he didn’t move. This wasn’t a gay bar. Men didn’t dance with other men here. Buck didn’t consider that or anything else. He had Sterling in his arms with zero cares for the rest of the world. Sterling held on to him like a life preserver—like he was a drowning man. Too late, Buck realized that was exactly what he was to Sterling. Every epiphany made him feel and look worse and worse. He had murdered something as close to perfect as love got. But that emotion still choked the life from him.
Buck’s lips skimmed the shell of Sterling’s ear. He heard Sterling’s breathing change. Sterling’s fingertips dug deeper into Buck’s skin. Buck’s throat swelled. He didn’t know how to fix them. All he knew was how he felt.
“I’m sorry for everything. You deserve better than me.”
A ragged-sounding breath escaped Sterling.
Buck couldn’t stop. “There’s no reason for you to believe. I’ve never given you any reason to feel secure and loved with me. But goddamn, Sterling. I love you so much. It makes me insane and jealous and angry all the way back around to just drowning in how much I love you. My feelings for you make me feel like some sort of psychopath. I don’t know what I’m saying or asking right now. I just really need this dance.”
“Okay.”
The response sounded so small and weak. Buck’s eyes burned. He practically felt the way Sterling couldn’t trust him not to destroy him, but he gave Buck what he needed, anyway. How had Sterling lived like this? The inside of his head must be a painful mess. People just crushed him over and over, and Sterling begged for more. That included Buck. Buck no longer knew who he was the angriest with. The entire world had failed Sterling. Buck couldn’t keep adding his name to the list.
His throat burned, but Buck needed to say more. No matter how much it hurt, Sterling deserved more. “You look genuinely happy with German. Maybe you should hang on to that. You deserve to have the whole world at your feet.”
Sterling didn’t respond.
Buck’s lips lightly skimmed Sterling’s.
The song ended and Buck headed for the door without looking back or making eye contact with anyone. Maybe that was the goodbye he should have given Sterling three years ago. Maybe they would be free from this by now if he had. He supposed they would never know. But better late than never to do the right thing. Buck needed to get back to living his life shut down and on autopilot. Sterling needed to get back to being young. At least one of them needed peace. It should be Sterling.
Chapter Four
Hesmelledthesame.That was always the thought that owned Sterling the most every time he touched Buck. His sexy scent lived in Sterling’s heart and brought out every ounce of nostalgia when he smelled it. Every day, Sterling just sank deeper into confused despair. He didn’t understand anything anymore. All he had ever known was he loved Buck with every breath he took. Sterling didn’t know how to let it go even as he recognized their toxic love was killing him.
He paced his house. Why had he thought coming home would soothe him? Mostly, he had thought he would feel safe here, if not welcomed. Sterling didn’t feel safe anymore anywhere. Every noise made him jump. He couldn’t sleep. Images rolled through his mind that made his stomach churn. Being here wasn’thelping anything. All he saw were the days his family pretended he didn’t exist. Tip had built him this house on the ranch to give him a place to escape their mom. But then he had gone right back to his life as this huge soccer player, traveling all over the place. Sterling had lost himself in his horses and Buck back then. Now neither of those things belonged to him anymore. Truth be told, they hadn’t been his back then either.
Sterling stopped in the center of his living room. The moonlight coming through the windows cast enough light to illuminate the room. Everything looked cold and unwelcoming. Nothing and nowhere felt like home. Anger, bitterness, hatred, and fury pulsed inside him, getting bigger by the second. The way Buck had whispered his love and walked away again kept playing through his mind. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. Sterling didn’t understand why everyone got their kicks from his pain. He didn’t want this life. Sterling hadn’t asked for it. His existence was a huge joke, and the laugh was at his expense.
Without thinking or gathering a plan, Sterling yanked open the coat closet and grabbed a bat from his ball bag. This time, he paced the house, searching. He had to cut this thing from his soul that made him so fucking easy to walk on. He didn’t want to be weak. Sterling didn’t want to live at all anymore. That revelation sent the helpless rage overboard. Sterling swung, destroying every trophy he had ever won. His eyes darted in every direction. What else? He needed to crush anything and everything that had allowed him to lie to himself. To pretend he could be special. He was too far gone to think clearly. Sterling was stuck on self-destruct. He smashed everything, breaking everything until it looked the way he felt. He caught a quick glimpse of himself in the mirror. Fuck that. He hated that guy.Glass flew in his face and cut through his skin as his bat smashed into the mirror over and over again, doing nothing to squelch the rage and pain.
Sterling had no idea how long his tirade lasted. In the end, he was left standing in the center of a home that finally matched him on the inside. Tears mixed with blood to trail down his face. He deflated. Sterling was left with nothing but the truth. He was done. Sterling had officially tried every lifeline to save himself, but the answer was clear now. He shouldn’t have been born. His existence was unnatural. Sterling was too weary to go on. He touched his lips. Buck had kissed him goodbye. It was time to go.
