Everything about Buck was beautiful. His hard body. The way his blue eyes always stared at Sterling with hunger. But nothing about the giant cowboy stood out as much as the way he made Sterling feel. It wasn’t always good. Today was one of those days that left him torn. He still floated on a cloud, relaxing in Buck’s arms, basking in the afterglow of euphoria.
Buck toyed with Sterling’s fingers. He traced a circle around Sterling’s ring finger. “We should get married before you go.”
Sterling went completely still inside. “You’d have to tell AJ about us. I know we decided to hide this together, but we can’t pretend an entire marriage doesn’t exist, most especially from your son.”
“I know.”
Sterling heard the sadness in Buck’s voice. It was like getting punched in the chest. Buck genuinely sounded as if he had carried some small hope Sterling would agree to a whole-ass clandestine marriage. What the hell? Sometimes, Buck really knew how to hurt him in a way no one else did. That was saying a lot. Sterling’s entire family acted like he hadn’t been born. At first, with Buck, it hadn’t seemed like a big deal to stay quiet. What was one more person treating him as if he was nothing going to matter? It did. More than with anyone else, it did. Sterling couldn’t do this anymore.
Sterling rolled upward and eyed the loft. He had spent so many heated nights here, and even more heartbroken ones. He should just go home to Miami. Sterling didn’t have much left for him there, but he didn’t hurt like this there. At least, he hadn’t for the past three years. That wasn’t true any longer.
The sound of a loud diesel engine had Sterling moving to his feet. He pushed the doors open so the incoming hay could easily be lifted into the loft. He stared at the ground below for a second. It wasn’t that far down. Sterling still wondered what would happen if he jumped. As a kid, he had been convinced if he leapt from the upper storage area, he would die—like plunging to his death from a high rise. He had considered it more nights than not. Sterling had been lonely. Still was, honestly. But he had also been a dramatic kid, willing to do anything for someone to see him. That willingness hadn’t stopped at adulthood. Now he was darker inside than ever.
He stepped back, making room for the stacked bales. Sterling put on his work gloves and got started on unloading. He moved the first stack to the back corner. Unlike most people, he didn’t mind this part of farm work. It was a mindless task, ensuring they could get as much hay as possible stored off the ground and out of the weather.
“Damn. When are you going back to Miami?”
Even though Sterling’s racing heart tried leaping into his throat, he somehow managed to hide his surprise. He hated people sneaking up on him. Sterling tossed a quick glance Buck’s way as he headed for another bale. “Not sure.”
Buck went to work beside him. “You were always one to jump in and help. I couldn’t get AJ to do shit.”
“Not everyone cares for ranch life. How is AJ, anyhow?” Sterling didn’t look at Buck as he made the inquiry.
“Still living in the city. He has some sort of computer job, working for the government.” Sterling glanced over in time to see Buck shrug. “He doesn’t talk much about it, so that’s all I really know. Of course, you know AJ, he doesn’t talk much about anything. He always asks about you every time we talk.”
Sterling nodded, acknowledging the words. “Be sure to tell him I said hi.”
Silence fell between them. Sterling despised this part. He used to tease and flirt. Buck used to watch him with more hunger than Sterling knew how to handle back then. Now he knew exactly what it took to take on Buck. Unfortunately, no one hated Sterling more… except for Sterling.
Buck fought for his life. He had been such a crazy mixture of emotions for years with Sterling. Sterling had moved to Miami three years ago, and Buck hadn’t moved on. He no longer knew which of them was the most to blame. All Buck knew was he had fallen hard in love with Sterling seven years ago and obsession’s grip hadn’t released his throat since. The guy was only four years older than his son, for fuck’s sake. He was twenty-six to Buck’s forty-four. Buck had been aware of that every single moment since he realized Sterling’s nonstop flirting was real. It had been Sterling’s nineteenth birthday. Buck hadn’t meant to fall so hard in love, especially since loving Sterling was the worst thing to ever happen to him.
“I can go back to Miami now, if you want.”
The quietly spoken words yanked Buck from his dark thoughts. He felt like absolute shit. Two weeks ago, he had thrown Sterling into the hay and fucked him hard, punishing him for the past. He knew damn well his anger was a dark cloud that choked everything around him, including Sterling. Sometimes, he wasn’t sure which of them was the bad guy. It was Buck. He was the older one. Buck was the one who was supposed to know better. Still, he never could bend and admit his faults. Sterling knew them, though.
“This is your home. I’m just an employee.”
Silence met his words, forcing him to look Sterling’s way. That turned out to be a mistake. Sterling didn’t show his heart. But when he did, what he saw always punched him in the chest, because no matter what else Buck felt, he loved Sterling. The split second of soul-crushing unhappiness he saw wasn’t swiftlyhidden by a mask of indifference as quickly as he was sure Sterling intended.
Sterling looked away first. He took off his work gloves and shoved them in his back pocket. Sterling headed for the ladder without looking back. Buck’s chest hurt. He tilted his chin to the ceiling and slowly blew out his breath. When it came to Sterling, he never knew what to do. For him, Sterling meant much-needed laughter and off-the-chart passion. Buck had hopped through his fair share of beds of various varieties over the years. Doing that shit was how he became a single father. Sterling was different than anyone else for Buck. Before Sterling, Buck hadn’t realized exactly how hard he could fall in love. He also hadn’t known how big of a selfish asshole that particular state of being would make him. Buck would have done anything to keep Sterling to himself, except that wasn’t what he had done. Instead, he had kept Sterling like an embarrassing secret. Sterling had been right to leave.
“You won’t even know I’m gone.”
The ache in Buck’s chest said otherwise. “That’s not true at all.”
Sterling swiped a sweet kiss across Buck’s lips. “You know I’ll come back as often as I can. I can’t stay away from you.”
“Maybe you should.”
“Hey, Dad.”
Buck jumped back so fast, he didn’t know how he didn’t fall. He turned, pasting on a bright smile for AJ. “Hey. What’s up? You never step foot in the barn.”
If AJ had seen anything, he didn’t show it. AJ shrugged. “Dean’s parents are flying to Hawaii for the weekend. They asked me to join them, and I didn’t want to just disappear without a word.”
AJ was nineteen. While he still lived at home while going to college, he didn’t truly owe Buck any explanations. AJ was an adult now. However, Buck was grateful he still told him things, and didn’t have him filing missing person’s reports. It would suck to be stuck worrying. “That sounds nice. Have fun for me too. I’ve always wanted to go there.” Which AJ knew since his best friend’s ridiculously rich parents had taken AJ countless times over the years.
AJ’s gaze slid Sterling’s way before moving back to hold his stare. It wasn’t a knowing look—more like he weighed his words since they weren’t alone. “Well, we’ll have to figure out how to go sometime. But this trip means I’ll be out of the house for a few days. You’ll actually have the place to yourself. Maybe you should bring home some trouble or something.”
