"Yeah?"
She nodded. "I don't want children either. I think you're brave for doing this, and even more for choosing someone you might see again. If it was me, I'd want the baby as far away as possible."
"But it's not his fault," I told her.
"It's not," she agreed, "but you deserve to be protected from those memories too. I also don't want you to feel like youhavetopick your friends. If you want someone else, I'll make sure Jeera and Brielle are told child services placed him elsewhere. They won't ever know you asked."
"No, them," I insisted.
And she smiled. "Then we'll make sure they are the ones." Her pen scribbled on the page, and then she reached over to pat my leg. "So you know, you're making them very happy with this."
"I just don't want him to become a Mole."
"No, we're Dragons here."
And then it was done. I had to sign a few places, and Viema reminded me there was still a waiting period, but that little boy was no longer something for me to worry about. Then she asked if I wanted to see him.
"No!" I hissed.
She simply lifted a hand to calm me. "Then you don't have to. You'reallowed to,though. I can take you past the nursery, or I can bring him in here. Meri, I'm simply making sure that after all you did for us, we Dragons are being fair to you. You deserve to know all your options without feeling pressured, and today, I'm the one who gets to help with that."
"I don't want him," I whimpered. "Viema, he's going to look like Gideon, and if I see it, I'll never be able to stop!"
"Then you will never have to see him," she promised. "Now let me get this filed. Meri, you're done."
"Yeah?"
She nodded. "All that's left is some rest and recovery." Standing, she reached out to pat my leg again. "If you need anything else, let me know?"
I nodded, and then she left, closing the door behind her. For a bit, I leaned back, trying to nap again, but I'd slept so much lately. In all my life, I'd never been allowed to sleep this long at a time, and now my mind had no reason to pause.
Instead, it spun.
I'd given the baby to my friends. I knew Jeera and Brielle wanted a baby. They'd told me all about how much they'd love to have a child in their lives - it was why I'd picked them. Well, and to repay their kindness. But I hadn't planned for one thing.
I lived with them. The baby was going to live with them now, and that meant I would have to see him every day. Viema said I was done, and in the infirmary, once we were stable, we were sent to our own rooms to heal, but where was I expected to go?
I couldn't go to Jeera and Brielle's. Maybe Ayla would help me find somewhere else? She'd said she'd share a room with me if I needed it, but that had been when I'd first arrived. I knew Lessa didn't have any room. The one time she'd hosted me, she'd given me her room to rest in because it was all she had.
Easing myself up, I looked around the room, wondering what had happened to my clothes. I'd been wearing them when Naomi had taken me to surgery. Now I was in a wrap-around thing that tied loosely at my waist, but there were cabinets in this room.
Easing myself out of the bed - and feeling my body protest - I opened the closest. In there were things like pillows and blankets. When I moved to the next, however, I found it. The dress I'd worn to help during the battle had been folded nicely. Even my underthings were in there!
I changed quickly, aware of how often people knocked and then walked into this room. Then again, "quickly" wasn't as fast as it used to be. My bodyhurt. The incision along my belly had a bandage over it, but every movement I tried to make was like a sharp pain, reminding me I was not whole yet.
When I finished, I paused to look around the room one more time. The flowers were beautiful, but were they for the room? I wasn't sure, and I had nowhere to take them, so I did my best to memorize how beautiful it was in here with all these plants around me. Real, living ones!
Finally, I pulled open the door and stepped out. I was fine, so it was time for me to leave. I didn't want to use a bed someone might need. I also hoped I'd make it across town before Ayla left to go hunting.
Then I took my first step.
My body wanted to hunch over. Breathing slowly, I pushed through the pain. Beside me, the desk for the nurses was empty. It was their time for an evening meal, and the few still here were probably caring for the ones who needed help still. That meant there was no one to help me, but it was okay. I would help myself.
Pressing a hand over the wound, I felt like I was holding my guts in, but that made it easier to stand straight. My steps were small, but I'd run around this building enough to know how to get out. I might be dreading the stairs, but I could do this.
I was fine.
I'dsurvived.
