"So if Lessa makes you happy, or Drozel, or Omden, or anyone else in all of Lorsa, then I'm happy for you too." Then I rocked my head from side to side. "And if they're mean to you, I'll shoot them with a venom arrow."
"Oh, Ayla," she breathed, surging in to wrap her arms around my shoulders and hug me so tightly. "Thank you! Thank you for always making me feel like I'm right, and helping me remember what it was like to be brave."
"You," I told her, "are the bravest person I know. Maybe everyone else thinks getting married and having a baby is normal, but it wasn't for us. You know that. I know that. So justbecauseourthings are different doesn't mean it makes us stupid to be confused, or weak to be happy we survived." I leaned her back so I could see her face. "Or wrong to find someone - anyone - who can make us happy."
"Lessa makes me confused," she admitted.
Wrapping my arm around her shoulders, I got her walking again. "How?"
"She does the same things you do, Ayla. Hugging me, or clasping my hand. Those sorts of things, but it doesn't feel the same."
"Does it make you feel like you want to smile, and also like you're safe with her? Maybe it feels like her smile is better than anyone else's, or the way she looks is hard to ignore? Do you find yourself angry because someone says something bad about her, and you know it's not wrong, but you also know it's not right? Like that her color is boring, or she isn't serious enough, or she's too serious?"
I was thinking about the things people had said about Zasen, Rymar, and Kanik and how I'd felt about those things. The confusion didn't make sense to anyone else, but they hadn't been terrified of a relationship the way Meri and I had been. They hadn't been raised to think of affection as something a man was due when he claimed us as a possession. They couldn't understand how impossible it was to feel any of this when we were barely even allowed tospeakto the men we were supposed to spend our lives with!
So I did my best to offer examples of what I'd been through up here. The confusion, the bond we'd formed, and how it had been so foreign to me that the only word I had for it was the one I used for the only two people who'd ever been kind to me: Meri and Callah.
"She makes me feel like I did when Gideon smiled at me," Meri finally admitted.
"Then I think you like her," I said. "Meri, you did like Gideon. He lied, but you liked what he showed you, and that's not your fault. So, maybe you like Lessa too. And maybe, when you're ready, you can see if she likes you back."
"How?"
I leaned in, hugging her from the side. "You have to ask, Meri. The same way you'd ask me or Callah. That's how people do things up here. There aren't rules theyhaveto live by. There aren't expectations for them. Instead, they try things. They ask people what they want to know, but there's one problem with the way Dragons do it."
"What's that?"
I pulled in a breath, hoping she'd understand this. "You have to ask, but you might not like the answer. That doesn't make how you feel wrong. It just means they don'thaveto feel the same back. That, Meri, is what makes being up here so amazing."
Twenty-Two
Meri
Ayla took me to the same place as where I'd had my first checkup. This time, she signed me in, since Jeera wasn't here to do it for us. When the man behind the counter called me back, Ayla asked if I wanted her to wait, but I caught her hand, pulling her with me.
Then I had to change into that smock again. Like the first time, Naomi looked between my legs and checked my body, but she also checked the incision on my tummy. After that, she pushed and prodded my belly, and the whole time she explained everything she was doing.
But when she was done, she slid her chair back and let out a pleased sigh. "Meri, you're healing perfectly. I think you've put on some weight too. You're likely still anemic, so I'm only going to clear you for moderate activity, okay?"
"Can I still have children?" I asked, not quite sure which answer would be the one I wanted.
"It looks like you'll be able to have them again without any problems," she assured me.
And yet my guts twisted with worry. I wasn't ready to do that again. I wanted to find myself, and Ayla had just made it clear I could do that easily here. I wouldn't lose her, even if she didn'tlike it herself. I could have hopes and dreams, so I wasn't ready for a child.
Another child.
But Ayla asked, "What about birth control?"
Naomi nodded, but her answer was directed at me. "It lasts for six months. You will get a reminder when you need another dose, and the injection is the best option for you at this time. If you were debating having a child, I'd suggest something else, but this way you won't have to think about it. Do you want that injection today, Meri?"
"Yes!" I hurried to say.
She simply stood and began rummaging in her cabinets. "Now, you are not allowed to have any sexual activity for two more weeks, but I don't think that will be a problem. We just want to make sure your uterus and cervix can recover fully."
"But I thought the baby came out of my belly," I said, looking at Ayla in hopes she'd understand what I was missing.
"Your body still tried," Naomi told her. "That means there were changes, and it took plenty of time for those to happen, so now we get to wait six weeks for your body to undo it all. Lifting something too heavy, or pushing yourself too hard, and definitely having anything inside your vagina will all make that harder."
