"Thanks for never saying yes to me." She gave me one last smile, then turned and walked away.
But she had a point. This? Asking Ayla? It felt so right, and that scared the shit out of me. But when I tried to figure out why, it all came back to the same thing.
She could say no.
Eleven
Lessa
Icouldn't imagine Zasen settling down. I wanted to, but the image refused to form in my mind. Rymar? Oh, he was a softie under all his charming smiles and sexiness. Kanik? That boy had always been a romantic. I'd always thought he'd be thrilled with a half-dozen kids and a few partners to help him raise them.
And yet, I'd assumed they would not end up together. Rymar would get with some hot party-boy, a kid would happen by accident with some hookup they took home, and somehow it would all work out. Kanik would end up with a librarian or something. I didn't know, but some smart, quiet woman who doted on him. And Zasen?
He'd die fighting the Moles.
No, it wasn't fair, but that was what I'dexpectedto happen to them. My expectations had nothing to do with what Iwantedfor them, but I'd known those three guys long enough to understand their flaws as well as the good things about them. But Ayla? I hadn't seen her coming.
Or Meri.
And Zasen had said something that was now stuck in my head. Gay, straight, or polysexual - Meri wouldn't know any ofthem. Shit, she only understood two genders! Her view of the world had been too restricted for far too long, and I was the wrong person to help her with that, wasn't I?
Because the truth was, I liked the girl too much. Even pregnant, there had been something so beautiful about her. The contrast between her dark blue eyes and her silver-white hair made it hard to look away from her. The hourglass figure I knew she'd have soon? Yeah, I had a weakness for those.
My feet stalled out. There, in the middle of the market, Zasen's words slammed into place. I didn't like that girl because she was beautiful. I liked her because she was made of steel. I liked her for more than her appearance, how amusing she was for the short term, and all the things I'd been attracted to in others.
I liked her just because I did.
And the problem was I didn't know how to deal with any of this. My version of dating was telling someone I wanted to fuck them. Most agreed. After that was when I worried about whether or not I wanted to talk to them. I knew that was my trauma speaking, though. I'd learned at an early age that people didn't stick around. Not because they didn't want to, but because life simply didn't work like that.
I wanted Meri to stick around, though. Even if she had no romantic interest in women, I still wanted to spend time with her. She was fun, underneath all the fear and insecurities that had been pounded into her with a fist. She was smart, and driven. She was also the most considerate person I'd ever met.
Making my feet move again, I gave up on my impulsive shopping trip. I didn't really need more fabric. What I'd been looking for was something to keep me occupied while Meri healed. I refused to make her feel like she had to sit at that table and sew when her stomach had been cut open to get the child out. I would not pressure her to spend time with me! Ommy andDroz were taking very good care of her, and me? Well, I'd just mess that up.
But what if I didn't?
What if Zasen was correct and the right person made it easy to change? Not that he'd saidthat, exactly, but it had been hanging between us as we'd talked. He'd stopped trying to get himself killed and had started working toward stopping the Moles. And me? I'd stopped hating everyone around me. So why couldn't I use that to help Meri?
The walk back to my place felt like it simultaneously took no time and all the time in the world. The whole way, my thoughts were spinning around themselves. I liked Drozel. I really did. He was big, strong, and sexy. Those were the reasons I'd thrown him into my bed. Omden had been the reason I came back.
No, not because I was into Omden, or he'd done anything. He'd simply told me about Droz and all the adorable habits he had. He'd gushed, making me realize that brute of a man might be deeper than I'd realized. Curious, I'd asked Drozel to take me to dinner, and for the first time in far too long, I'd actuallytalkedto him.
So when I was almost home and saw Omden in the side yard, hanging sheets on the clothesline between our houses, I didn't even hesitate. I headed straight for him, wondering how I could even bring this mess up in my head. Shit, I didn't even understand it myself.
"Hey, Lessa!" Omden called when he saw me.
I smiled at him and kept walking until I was close enough that I didn't need to yell. "Hey, Ommy. How is she?"
"Sleeping," he said. "I had her help me cook lunch, and as soon as she had some food in her, that girl's eyes started drooping."
I chuckled because that sounded about right. "Yeah. So how much do you hate babysitting her?"
He scoffed. "Lessa, I like the girl. She's nice. I'd also like to point out that she doesn't hate housework."
"Seriously?"
He nodded, those green scales of his reflecting gold in the sunlight. "She knows tricks for removing stains, and informed me that I was using the wrong type of cloth to dust. I was simply pushing it around, not picking it up - and she was right!"
"It's all she was allowed to do down there," I reminded him.
