“Maybe you’re just stressing too much?” I shrugged helplessly. My heart went out to Katie. She and Ben had been trying to conceive for the last two years. They wanted to have a bunch of kids all close together in age, like the families they’d both comefrom.
“Maybe,” Katie said, grabbing a nacho and popping it in her mouth. “What aboutyou?”
“I’m fine,” I shrugged. My thoughts went back to Travis. Soon, he’d be back for the summer, and our arrangement had to end. This summer wasn’t like the previous summers. My older brother was getting married, and both Travis and I were in the wedding party. We’d be spending a lot of time together, and I was worried it would be just a matter of time before we werecaught.
I didn’t want Brock to find out about Travis and me. He wouldn’t understand it, and he’d likely be livid at Travis. He’d assume that Travis was taking advantage of me and likely wouldn’t believe that I’d been the one making the rules and drawing thelines.
“Are you bringing anybody special to the wedding? FWB perhaps?” Katie leaned forward, snagging anotherchip.
“No, I’m not bringing anybody to the wedding,” I answered with ashrug.
“Will FWB be there anyway?” Katie pressed hopefully. I gave her a look, and she pouted. “I can’t believe you won’t tell me who it is. I’ll figure it out, youknow.”
I laughed to cover my unease, hoping that she wouldn’t figure it out. Katie had been relentlessly pushing me to move on and actuallydate. If not FWB, thensomeone else. Every year, she got more intense in her quest to convince me. Having a friend with benefits had only appeased her for a shortwhile.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m going to break things off with him anyway,” I responded with ashrug.
“Why? Did you catch the feels?” Katie asked, her eyes sparkling withmirth.
For the last four years, she’d been my coverstory.
“No, I didn’t catch the feels,” I responded, rolling my eyes. But even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t exactly true. “We’re both too busy,now.”
Feelings—especially feelings of the romantic kind—unnerved me, so I wouldn’t allow myself to think about them. But I’d be lying if I said my desire to call off the arrangement with Travis wasonlybecause of the wedding and not wanting to getcaught.
Memories of that fateful night when I’d blatantly asked him to sleep with me rushed over me. Maybe my decision making skills, marred by grief, were questionable when I made theoffer.
In truth, I hadn’t believed he’d show up at the hotel room I’d booked us. I wasn’t naïve enough to assume that Travis hadn’t heard rumors of my broken life. He was a part of Brock’s circle, he had to have known. He could have any girl he wanted, why would he want me, as broken and lost as Iwas?
But despite that, he did…and when I was with him, I didn’tfeelbroken. I didn’t hear the ghosts of my past. I just enjoyed being in the now with him, because ultimately I knew we’d both return to our separate lives. There was a security in that, and I clung to it. I knew what toexpect.
I enjoyed the escape heoffered.
And yet…I cared about him. I considered him a friend, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. What was bad was just how much I looked forward to our summers together, to being with him. Not only was he skilled at reading my body and figuring out my needs before I could even voice them, but he was fun. He encouraged me to let my hair down a little, something my life of structure and routine was sorelylacking.
His life was such a stark contrast from mine; and I was drawn to it. It was like he was the sun and I was the earth, always striving to have his rays of warmth on me, never truly satisfied in its absence, in thedarkness.
Thosewere feelings, and they were not a good sign. And recently, I’d started having dreams. I blamed the wedding—weddings were notorious for stirring up emotions better leftsleeping.
I liked my life the way it was. I liked that it was just me, Aiden, my brothers—and Tessa, of course. I had a family that loved me, and a son that was my entireworld.
Sometimes it got isolating and lonely, but not letting people in was preferable to accidentally opening the door for amonster.
Travis wasn’t a monster; I knew that. He would never purposely harm a hair on my head, but he did carry the ability to wreck me in far more devastating ways than that. The dreams I’d been having as of late provedit.
“Well,Idon’t think it’d be a bad thing if you felt something for the dude you’ve been casually screwing for the last several years,” Katie shrugged. She grabbed the last nacho off the plate and ateit.
I sent her a withering look much like the one I’d use on Aiden if he was getting smart withme.
“Don’t do that, I recognize that look. I give it to Alyssa at least six times a day,” Katie laughed. “I just want to see you happy, is that sowrong?”
“I am happy,” I told her. “I like my job, I have an incredible kid, my brothers, Tessa,you. What more could Iwant?”
Katie said nothing, watching me with a sad smile. “Someone to share that with?” she finally said,shrugging.
I chose not torespond.
Her cell phone vibrated in her back pocket, and she pulled it out with a frown. “Hello? Seriously Ben? Alright. I’ll be right home.” She ended the call and sent me an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, I have to go…Alyssa is throwing up. Ben can handle a cow giving birth but he can’t handle a little bit of kid puke.” Katie rolled her eyesdramatically.
